Panthers Superlatives: Team Least Likely to Give a Shit

Remember when you were in High School and at the end of your senior year they gave you cutesy little superlatives like "Best Dressed" or "Most Likely to do Meth"?

Well, now we have Panthers superlatives! Yay! Another article with zero content! You'd think these players were impossible to get a hold of for an interview or something. Half of them live in Charlotte for Christ's sake. Just walk up to Jake Dehomme and ask him to talk about anything. There's not a thing Steve Smith could say that's less interesting than this. Ask Beason to freestyle for you.

anyway....

BEST OFFENSIVE PLAYER

Right tackle Jordan Gross. Not spectacular, but steady. Gross allowed just three sacks all season, and was called for one holding penalty and four false starts. He's a key to establishing a consistent offensive line for next season.

Well here's the fucking problem right here. When the best player on your offense is a fucking tackle you're not going places. If this is true I'm just surprised he even got the start. If he's so good, why didn't Fox sit him behind Evan Mathis?

BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER

Middle linebacker Jon Beason. Despite being a rookie, he opened the season at weakside linebacker and moved into the middle when Dan Morgan was injured. He quickly became the captain of the defense, and wound up leading the team in tackles by a wide margin.

Okay, there are seven players on that defense who I'd want if I was starting over completely. Beason is four of them. The others are Julius Peppers, Richard Marshall, and Chris Harris if you're wondering. The kid is absolutely amazing. He plays his heart out, he's a joy to watch, he's always around the ball, and we got an extra second rounder for him. And he raps like a motherfucker.

BEST SURPRISE

Rookie quarterback Matt Moore. Remember, this guy wasn't drafted. Then he was signed as a free agent by Dallas but cut at the end of training camp, only to be snatched up by Carolina to be a backup's backup. Moore wound up starting the Panthers' final three games and helping the team to victories in two of them.

awwwww yeah

BEST PLAY

Linebacker Thomas Davis' combination sack-forced fumble hit on Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck late in the fourth quarter of Carolina's 13-10 victory against the Seahawks. Richard Marshall recovered the ball for the Panthers, teaming with Davis to save the game.

Alright Stan Olson. Listen to me very carefully. You're writing a fluff piece on the Panthers with absolutely no content whatsoever. This is an article anyone could have shit out after a couple of cups of coffee and a Grand Slam at Denny's. You got paid for this shit.

Yes, I know that play sealed a win against a playoff team and the first home win in over a year. Yes, I know it involved one of my favorite players. Yes, it was a great game and a great play. However.



Steve Smith shrugged of the ENTIRE TEXANS SECONDARY to score this touchdown. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT THE BEST PLAY!?!? Have you ever broken a tackle in your life? Looking at your picture, imagine there is a person blocking you from the scarf store and they grab you. Now imagine five more of them grab you. and you still get your scarf!

It doesn't have to be a scarf. Whatever you're in to. Neckbeards, members only jackets, pretzels, whatever.

There's more to this article but really it's not worth it.

God fucking dammit