Also I'm not sure why I put Kevin Green on here but I trust a drunk me more than a sober me so whatever.
Kerry Collins: SUP MY NIGGERS!
Kerry Collins came into this town like a malevolent wave of death and would leave with a whimper. He sat most of 1995 behind Frank Reich before finishing the year as the starter and not really accomplishing much. He took the reigns in 1996 and established what would be the Panthers’ MO on offense that year that year; get the team within field goal range, don’t turn the ball over, hope the defense does something awesome. He even managed a pro bowl appearance that year because about 7 QBs ahead of him got injured and he just “happened” to be in Hawaii, something even a 10 year old me thought was a little suspicious. Appropriately he threw a game losing interception.
1997 fell apart like a Polish submarine made of shit. Kerry got his jaw broken in the preseason by Bill Romonowski and collapsed into himself. He called Muhsin Muhammad a nigger and Norberto Davids Garrdio a spic because he thought it would help them bond. Has there ever been a worse idea in the history of mankind? What does some ugly white boy from Pennsylvania think he can gain from dropping the N bomb to the OG, Muhsin Muhammad? Garrido has that immigrant work ethic thing and you know he wasn’t going to put up with that. Apparently Norberto stuck Kerry in the eye that night, and he’s lucky that’s all he did because I’ve seen Oz and I know how much Mexicans like to stab people.
Kerry descended farther and farther into alcoholism and began terrorizing the streets of Charlotte. Then, the coup de grace, in 1998 Kerry decided his “heart wasn’t in it” and decided to turn the team over to Steve Beurlein (thank Christ for that!) and quit. He bounced around to the Saints, then led the Giants to a ridiculous Super Bowl appearance, then the Raiders and has settled in with the Titans where he is currently the backup to the worst quarterback in the NFL, Vince Young.
The “Kerry Collins Affect” meant a whole lot more than just the 1997-98 collapse. It’s very difficult to recover from blown first round draft picks, but it’s even harder to do so when it’s a quarterback. God only knows how bad 98-00 could have been without the Steve Beurlein experience to back us up. Collins was indicative of the first seven or so years of the Carolina Panthers: Shitty draft picks, questionable character, and indefensible play on the field.
That’s the Panthers I know and love!
Kevin Green: Wheel Chair Wrestling
A lot of you are saying “um what the fuck” at Kevin Green. It’s deservedly so, until you remember that he went to San Francisco so he could be a professional wrestler. Think about that. He would rather join the WCW than play for the Panthers. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
He finally came back and what did he do? He got in a fight on the sidelines with one of the coaches in a nationally televised game. Lamar Lathon had to pull him off of somebody. I’m fairly certain Pat Summerall called that game and said, “And things are falling apart on the Carolina sideline.”
Also that picture at the top pretty much encapsulates his wrestling "career." Although I have no idea because wrestling is gay and I don't live in a trailer so I don't watch it.
I’m really drunk and I’m taking a break from watching Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood to write this in but seriously Kevin Greene, when you’re not being totally awesome on the field, eat a dick.
David Carr: David Carr's brother called me gay
David Carr was brought in after 5 years of underachieving in Houston. He was thrust into the starter’s role in his rookie year, a move most would consider a grievous mistake (undertaken by our old friend Dom Capers) and proceeded to not live up to expectations. There was hope for us, however. He had a great completion percentage his final year in Houston and the optimistic opinion was that he had been ruined by awful coaching. A year under Mike McCoy (why did this give anyone confidence?) and he would be right as rain.
By now we all know what happened. Jake Delhomme got injured and David Carr shit in the pancakes. He had regressed physically and mentally since his days in Houston. He didn’t look like he wanted to be out there. He had a penchant for forcing it to Keary Colbert. He ignored Steve Smith. Defenses would send one person after and drop 10 in coverage because they knew he’d freak out. It was some of the most pathetic football I’ve ever had to witness as a Panthers fan, and believe me there’s been a lot of it.
The worst part about David Carr is that he’s a fucking microcosm of Panthers free agents moves of late. Instead of bringing in capable, competitive, proven contributors like Ricky Proehl, Steven Davis, and Greg Favors, they go after big splashes that just blow up in their face. David Carr also personifies something else: failing epically. Remember in King Pin where his name (Munson) became synonymous with getting screwed? We should do that with Carr.
“Oh wow, Vick really Carr’d his career with that dog thing.”
"Chad Pennington is totally Carr'd."
"Way to Carr yourself there Pacman Jones."
I think it has a nice ring to it.
Sean Gibert: Why God Why?
Holy hell what a bucket of fail this turned out to be.
Dom Capers decided that he needed a game changig defensive end. Okay, cool, that’s a good idea I guess. True to Dom Capers form, he decided the answers to his prayers were a former number 3 pick from University of Pittsburgh who had held out an entire year for the Redskins in a contract dispute. Free Agency is a good idea because we were starting to realize that he didn't know how to draft.
Now the price. Keep in mind this is a guy who just sat out for an entire year. He’s not exactly a team first guy or even that great on the field; after a Pro Bowl year in 1993 his biggest selling point was a Defensive Player of the Week award in 1996. This guy went downhill faster than an out of control wheel chair in San Francisco and EVERYONE knew it. Dom Capers decided he was worth not one, but TWO first round picks.
This wouldn’t have been as bad if it happened in like 1984. Before Jimmy Johnson fleeced the entire state of Minnesota in the Herschel Walker trade, no one really understood what draft picks were worth. You could get a first rounder in the eighties from Atlanta, for example, for a bucket of friend chicken and a bag of magic beans. Jimmy Johnson basically came out with a chart that explained it all, and the gist of it is that high first rounders are basically untouchable for anything except an elite, established player. This was known.
What did those picks become? One of them, the 2000 draft pick, eventually landed in the hands of the Jets who took Chris Samuels with it. The other was sent to New Orleans for the rights to Ricky Williams in exchange for a butt load of picks and turned into a bunch of players, including Lavaar Arrington and Champ Bailey. Here, you try to figure this out.
DE Sean Gilbert to Carolina (1998) from Washington for a 1-5-99 and a 1-12-00 pick. The 1-5-99 pick went to New Orleans (see next entry) while the 1-12-00 pick was traded to the 49ers, who sent it to the Jets (see 2000: T Chris Samuels and DE Shaun Ellis).It turns out that Sean Gilbert was a gigantic bust, set the entire franchise back four years, and was the final nail in the coffin for Dom Capers. Gilbert managed to get six sacks but wasn’t exactly the game changing force they’d hoped he be. He never adjusted to the 3-4.
RB Ricky Williams (1-5-99) to New Orleans from Carolina/Washington for eight draft choices, three of which netted Washington LB Nate Stimson (4-107-99), LB LaVar Arrington (1-2-00) and DB Lloyd Harrison (3-64-00). Five of the eight picks were included in other trades made by Washington.
1. 1-12-99 and 3-71-99 picks from New Orleans/Washington to Chicago for DB Champ Bailey (1-7-99). Chicago selected QB Cade McNown and WR D'Wayne Bates.
2. 5-144-99 from New Orleans/Washington, along with a 2-40-99 from Washington, to Chicago for T Jon Jansen (2-37-99). Chicago chose LB Khari Samuel (5-144-99) and traded Washington's 2-40-99 pick to Oakland (see 1999: DE Tony Bryant).
3. 6-179-99 and 7-218-99 picks from New Orleans/Washington to Denver for T Derek Smith (5-165-99). Denver chose TE Desmond Clark (6-179-99) and WR Billy Miller (7-218-99).
It’s hard to hate Sean Gilbert for this. It’s not his fault Dom Capers overpaid so ridiculously for him. However, he’s sorta the face for that entire debacle. Mentioning Dom Capers brings up an entirely different reaction from people and they usually don’t realize you’re talking about Sean Gilbert.
Bill Polian - Later, bitches!
Once again, a guy who did a lot of good for the Panthers. He basically put together a NFC Champion contending team in a year using scraps from other teams and an expansion draft that has since been toned down because of how great an advantage it gives to new teams.
But then holy hell did he take the money and run. In 1997 he became the President of the Indianapolis Colts, leaving the Panthers in the incapable hands of Dom Capers. Capers would proceed to follow Polian’s habit of drafting the team into the ground.
Polian’s draft picks while in Carolina weren’t just horrible, he passed on legitimately great players while making them. He took Tshiamunga Biakabtuka over Eddie George. At the press conferece he was asked if he “…had any concerns about Biakabatuka’s injury history.”
“None,” was his response. Boy that would become a recurring fucking theme.
Muhsin Muhammad over Marvin Harrison? Check. Wide receiver who murdered his pregnant girlfriend? Check. Alcoholic shit smear from Pennsylvania? Check.
Not to mention he threw a chair in a press conference.
Die in a fire.
Also, holy hell a Colts fan wrote his wikipedia page
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