Tom Sorensen: Somehow manages to not write about the Panthers

In a stunning move that achieves new heights in mediocrity for even Tom Sorensen, he has managed to write an article about the Panthers that isn't about the Panthers at all. When looking for a picture of him, hopefully eating a stick of glue, I came across this picture of a Dutch goalie with the same name.

I think it's now safe to assume that not only has Tom Sorensen never seen a Panther game, but he also plays the most boring position in the most boring sport in all the god damn land. Seriously, I'd rather watch 4 hours of jai'lai than ten minutes of soccer.

The faggotry starts right at the title for Tom, as it often does.

Panthers should pass
on run-oriented attack

New England a good role model for Carolina

Tom comes right out and says that the Panthers should model themselves after the best team record wise in the NFL. I'm sure about thirty five reasons that's not possible just flew through your head, but that's not going to stop Tom! Here are the highlights.

Run the ball, drink at least eight glasses of water a day and, speaking of water, don't dive in for at least an hour after you eat.

Tom Sorensen as this bizarre habit of filling his columns with absolutely meaningless tripe like this. Instead of actually writing anything they let him get away with taking up a paragraph worth of space with shit his kid wouldn't be able to turn in for a passing grade in his fifth grade class.

But when owners, general managers and coaches look at what New England has accomplished this season, they have to be tempted to borrow its philosophy if not overtly steal it.

Oh okay so all we need is a Hall of Fame quarterback, a Hall of Fame Wide Receiver, a Hall of Fame coach to implement it, and a legion of asshole fans to lean on. Consider it implemented! What else do you need Tom?

It also must have imagination. Not only do you have to take on defenses, you have to take on convention.

That's the missing ingredient to the Panthers! Imagination! Quick, we need some imagination inspiration!


Woo, I don't know about you but I sure am ready to go out and break passing records.

Sorensen ends this piece of shit with this gem.

Would the Patriots fail with a lesser quarterback, blockers and receivers?

Or instead of going 16-0, would they go a mere 10-6?

[masshole]Anything less than 16-0 is failure for the Patriots![/masshole]

I don't know, Tom. Let's give them the Panthers offensive line and see how many games they win. Or maybe Keary Colbert and Drew Carter. I'm sure Belichick can get the most out of them! Maybe with David Carr under center they'll be able to eek out a few wins.

Look, it's not Tom Sorensen's fault he doesn't know anything about football. The Charlotte Observer has shown for years that knowing anything about the subject you're covering isn't a prerequisite. He just sees the Patriots on his television, takes his toes out of his mouth and says, "We do that good then will be!"

The Patriots are a lot of things the Panthers aren't, and have a lot of things that the Panthers don't have. They have an offensive line that is good, effective, and allowed to hold on every play. They have receivers that are allowed to push off and can bail out Brady's wounded ducks past 30 yards. They have a QB that can see the entire field, pick apart a defense underneath the coverage, and knows if anyone touches him he can bitch to the officials and get a 15 yard penalty. They also have a defense with a great defense line and a back 8 that doesn't get called for a single penalty, masking how horrifically ineffective they are.

The Panthers have a good wide receiver. One. That's it. I'm confident that the Rhyne Robsinon love train will get into full gear this season, but they still need 80 percent of an offensive line. They still need complementary receivers. And most importantly, they need someone who is not: