2003 Panthers: One Step From Greatness (2010)

Well, the Panthers brass contacted me yesterday and told me that they were so impressed with my writing abilities that they want me to pen the 2003 Panthers' Superbowl season script. Of course, I accepted, and got down to writing immediately. I'm almost done.

The plot follows the story of a dying cancer patient (Sam Mills) coming back to coach the team one last time. It is led by a plucky undrafted QB (Jake Delhomme), a saucy wide receiver (Steve Smith), and a coach that just doesn't know how to quit (John Fox).

Together, they not only rise to overcome the odds, but learn more about themselves and grow not just as player, but as people.

And there is a lot of gratuitous hardcore sex.

Part of my contract was that I had input in regards to actors. I had to fight hard for this. I didn't want them to fill this movie with a bunch of assholes from WB shows. We need legit actors to tell the greatest football story of all time. Besides, I'm pretty sure legally you have to be like 28 to be in some of the scenes I'm writing.

The Good Guys

Jake Delhomme

Sean Penn would play Jake Delhomme, a mildly retarded, lovable shit shoveler from Dipfuck, Louisiana. He grew up dreaming of the day he could throw a football. He was discovered on the job, handing out water for the Saints. Unfortunately, Aaron Brooks was slightly less retarded than him and was allowed to start.

The film starts off with John Fox meeting him in a Denny's. Jake says all he needs is a chance, then proceeds to drool all over himself and drops his Grand Slam. John Fox likes his moxy and signs him right away.

As the season progresses, John Fox teaches Jake Delhomme how to read, how to ride horses, and how to force the ball into triple coverage.

Steve Smith

If there's anything I've learned about the film business is that you have to have a rapper in your film if you want to get butts in the seats. In Atlanta, instead of advertising American Gangster by showing Denzel Washington, they decided to show some asshole named TI.

Steve Smith would have just gotten out of prison in Santa Monica after stealing a car for crack money. John Fox would notice his breakaway speed while seeing him beat up a woman for her purse and running from the cops. He immediately signs him to join his plucky band of rebels and outcasts.

Sam Mills

Sam Mills would be dying of cancer the entire time and giving out advice. He'd die in the fourth quarter just as John Kasay's ACL explodes, forcing him to kick it out of bounds.

Really I just needed an old, wise, black actor for this role and there's only one of those around so he gets the role by default.

John Fox

John Fox is a burnt out meth addict from Oakland who has been given one last chance to turn his career around, and become reacquainted with his estranged daughter, who's working as a prostitute in New Orleans.

The role is complex and complicated. It needs an actor capable of making people believe he doesn't give a shit about overwhelming observable evidence and logical decisions. You have to know, as an audience member, that he is succeeding despite himself. I want a viewer to watch this and just know he's going ruin a draft pick or something.

Julius Peppers

That black dude in the locker room from Any Given Sunday. You know exactly which one I'm talking about.

Don't watch that scene with your girlfriend.

The Bad Guys

Mike Vick

Apparently every movie with black people has to have Martin Lawrence in it. It's some unwritten rule. I can't imagine why else they'd put him on screen. He's about as funny as slamming your dick in the door. He and Mo'Nique make me hope the Mayans were right and the world is going to end in 2012.

Anyway, they're both black, they're both convicts, and they're both irritating. Good enough for me.

Vick would be the only person standing in the way of the Panthers run. Since Del Rio had designed the team to stop actual NFL quarterbacks, they'd be puzzled about what to do with a QB who couldn't throw.

Tom Brady

This works for a few reasons. Firstly, he has the same body of Tom Brady. Many of you would say that Michael Cera probably can't throw a ball ten yards, but that's alright because Brady barely can either.

Also he was in Juno which was about some guy knocking up a girl. He didn't ditch her in the film but I'm sure it would be easy to get him in that mindset.

"Hey Michael, you know how you weren't a dick?"

"Yeah?"

"Be a fucking dick."

"Okay!"

Oscar baby.

Bill Belichick

Someone who can be an tremendous asshole and doesn't care about how they look. Val Kilmer has exploded.

The Slut

Anna Benson

We need a stupid slut with sports connections who could believable be attracted to every single main character in the movie. Well, Anna Benson threatened to fuck the entire Mets team so obviously she doesn't have standards. And besides, every movie needs a girl to blow the screenwriter/casting agent.