Carolina Panthers: Predicting they'll be predicted to be preseason champs...again

Darin Gantt has given us this nice little article in an attempt to warm our hearts.

CHARLOTTE --There exists a notion that the Carolina Panthers don't have the kind of salary cap room needed to fix their problems or engage in the active offseason the owner has promised.

It's dead wrong.

Well that's great. And here I was thinking the Panthers were going to be in for a nice, quiet free agency period, once which would force them to reevaluate their drafting process and examine their existing personnel. But nope! Now we can anxiously await the kind of reckless spending that brought up such players as Kemo'eatu, Hartwig, and Keyshawn Johnson!

There's nearly $5 million more available when they do what they already planned to do with the contract of Steve Smith. More money will come in smaller chunks throughout the spring.

Wait wait wait, we pay Steve Smith and end up saving money? Good fucking god the NFL's cap system is an indecipherable piece of shit.

That number included a $15.6 million cap figure for defensive end Julius Peppers, in the final year of his rookie deal. But it didn't figure the $1.5 million which will be credited back to the 2008 cap when they account for a Pro Bowl incentive which he didn't cash this season. That bonus was considered "likely to be earned," or LTBE in contract parlance, since Peppers went to Hawaii the year before. And any LTBE incentives which aren't earned become credits to the next year's cap.

I should have known that article was shit when I saw SI, but I has hopeful that the Panthers were not going to be able to blow their cash again. Julius Peppers should return his entire god damn contract after last year.

More room will come when they make some cuts -- likely to include David Carr and Dan Morgan, and perhaps others such as Mike Wahle and DeShaun Foster.

Oh my god yes please let this happen. Cutting Carr and Foster would make this offseason a success no matter what else we did.

The temptation for general manager Marty Hurney was to debunk the early reports, but he stayed as quiet, as he does with all contract matters. The Panthers don't comment on any numbers, although they know full well they all eventually seep out.

yeah, I agree. fuck explaining things to people who help pay your salary.

anyway, all this action insures that the Panthers will be predicted to win the Super Bowl next year. And since the Panthers almost always perform to the opposite of their expectations, you can be sure we'll be lucky to win three games. I'm imaging a Sum of All Fears scenario in which Jake Delhomme dies and John Fox decides to go with some veteran washup like Ryan Leaf or something until at 0-13 he gives Matt Moore the ball who quickly wins the last three games, putting up 10 TDs in that span. Then all the announcers will talk about how awesome Moore is and Fox will have to resign out of shame. Yeah....

anyway, back to preseason champs thing.

1. "Key" starters returning from injury? Check
2. Brought in numerous "impact" free agents? Check
3. Another Mel Kiper approved draft? Check
4. Coach the media has a fascination with?

My biggest fear is that one of two things will happen. Either the Panthers will manage to scrap by a 9 win playoff appearance and lock up Fox's job for another three years, guaranteeing more of the same crap. Dan Snyder fires whatever pile of shit is coaching the team by then and gives Cowher eleventy billion dollars and we miss out on him. Or, what would be my guess, everything manages to blow up hysterically in their face and all they manage to do is submarine their cap space. No coach worth a damn wants a part of this money pit and we end up with a coaching staff even Atlanta would laugh at.

Woo offseason!