Panthers.com: Ministry of Truth edition

Someone has alerted me to the front page of a 25 page report from the Panthers FO about the season for the fans and even though I can't find it online I'm going to assume what I've been shown is true because only the Panthers would be bold enough to lie in the face of their ticket holders like this. Honestly when I read 1984 I thought it would only be relevant in regards to bleak visions of the future in video games or Republican presidents but my god.

When the Carolina Panthers 2007 season began it would have been impossible to foresee the unlikely quartet of Vinny Testaverde, Matt Moore, Jake Delhomme and David Carr starting at quarterback, much less each recording a victory. The Panthers joined the San Francisco 49ers as the only other team in the League to start four different quarterbacks and the first team in 10 years to have four different quarterbacks start and win a game.

I totally agree! When the season began it would have been impossible to predict just how badly the FO's lack of planning and scouting would come back to bite us in the ass. If not for the miracle of Matt Moore we may have brought Jeff Lewis out of retirement to finish off the season.

“The bottom line is the record was not what we hoped for,” says John Fox, whose 56 wins over the last six seasons are ninth in the NFL. “It was a season that tested everyone associated with the team.”

Oh this fact is such a crock of shit. Who gives a flying fuck? Let's think of coaches that have been with their teams since John took over in 2002. We've got Gruden, Reid, Lovie Smith, Holmgren, Belichick, Dungy, Billick (just fired), and Shanahan. Then Fox. Out of all of those, who would you least want to have? At least Billick is funny.

• Twelve rookies and first-year players on the final roster, including six who started games.

I'd really rather Dwayne Jarret and Ryan Kalil had never seen the field but I guess that's just me. I'm not sure you can call what they did "playing."

•Steve Smith, who became the first Panther to record three consecutive 1,000-yard receiving seasons despite playing with four different quarterbacks.

Somehow the most dynamic wide receiver to ever play the game only had 1,003 yards and 7 touchdowns. Yeah, positive.

•Linebacker Jon Beason, who set a team record with 160 tackles as a rookie while starting 16 games.

Okay Beason is God. He probably wouldn't have had to set the record though if there was anyone in front of him capable of making a talent.

•Running back DeAngelo Williams, who rushed for 717 yards and averaged 5.0 yards per carry.

The only thing this does is show how fucking stupid Fox is for not starting him all season.

The offensive line was again anchored by right tackle Jordan Gross, who has started 80 consecutive regular season games with left tackle Travelle Wharton, guard Mike Wahle, and center Justin Hartwig manning other positions.

I'm not sure "manning" is the correct term here. I think occupying is a much better word, since manning implies that they were competent enough to hold it down.

On second thought, manning sounds like a navy term, and we all know the navy is gay, so yes, that's what Hartwig, Wahle, and Wharton did: they gayed up the offensive line.

Acquired in a preseason trade with Chicago, Harris was second to Beason in tackles with 102 but produced a number of big plays with a team record eight forced fumbles, three fumble recoveries and an interception.

What does it say when a player who comes in during the pre season is the second best player on your defense? the best tackler? forces the most fumbles? is the most outspoken? the best player is a rookie who hasn't been indoctrinated yet with the culture of mediocrity allowed to permeate the Panthers under Fox.

MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE COACHING STAFF YOU DUMB FUCKS

The defense finished fourth in the League in yards per carry allowed and 16th in overall defense with mainstays along the defensive line in ends Julius Peppers and Mike Rucker along with tackles Kris Jenkins and Maake Kemoeatu.

This could probably be explained by the fact that offenses rarely had that far to go. The Panthers offense would get it, flail about ineptly for 90 seconds, punt from their 18, give up a 40 yard return, and before anyone knew what was happening the other team's offense was inside Carolina's thirty.

Cornerbacks Ken Lucas, Richard Marshall and Chris Gamble enjoyed solid seasons in the secondary with Marshall excelling on special teams as well with a team-high 17 tackles. Marshall also tied safety Deke Cooper for the lead in interceptions with three.

True story that the special teams only recorded 22 tackles this year. Jon Beason caused the other 5 with his mind.

Don't worry Panther fans. Tons of good can be taken out of this season. All you have to do is take stats out of context, like blatantly to people, parse things that are favorable, and make sure you don't have a soul.