Panthers Superlatives: Team Least Likely to Give a Shit

Remember when you were in High School and at the end of your senior year they gave you cutesy little superlatives like "Best Dressed" or "Most Likely to do Meth"?

Well, now we have Panthers superlatives! Yay! Another article with zero content! You'd think these players were impossible to get a hold of for an interview or something. Half of them live in Charlotte for Christ's sake. Just walk up to Jake Dehomme and ask him to talk about anything. There's not a thing Steve Smith could say that's less interesting than this. Ask Beason to freestyle for you.

anyway....

BEST OFFENSIVE PLAYER

Right tackle Jordan Gross. Not spectacular, but steady. Gross allowed just three sacks all season, and was called for one holding penalty and four false starts. He's a key to establishing a consistent offensive line for next season.

Well here's the fucking problem right here. When the best player on your offense is a fucking tackle you're not going places. If this is true I'm just surprised he even got the start. If he's so good, why didn't Fox sit him behind Evan Mathis?

BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER

Middle linebacker Jon Beason. Despite being a rookie, he opened the season at weakside linebacker and moved into the middle when Dan Morgan was injured. He quickly became the captain of the defense, and wound up leading the team in tackles by a wide margin.

Okay, there are seven players on that defense who I'd want if I was starting over completely. Beason is four of them. The others are Julius Peppers, Richard Marshall, and Chris Harris if you're wondering. The kid is absolutely amazing. He plays his heart out, he's a joy to watch, he's always around the ball, and we got an extra second rounder for him. And he raps like a motherfucker.

BEST SURPRISE

Rookie quarterback Matt Moore. Remember, this guy wasn't drafted. Then he was signed as a free agent by Dallas but cut at the end of training camp, only to be snatched up by Carolina to be a backup's backup. Moore wound up starting the Panthers' final three games and helping the team to victories in two of them.

awwwww yeah

BEST PLAY

Linebacker Thomas Davis' combination sack-forced fumble hit on Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck late in the fourth quarter of Carolina's 13-10 victory against the Seahawks. Richard Marshall recovered the ball for the Panthers, teaming with Davis to save the game.

Alright Stan Olson. Listen to me very carefully. You're writing a fluff piece on the Panthers with absolutely no content whatsoever. This is an article anyone could have shit out after a couple of cups of coffee and a Grand Slam at Denny's. You got paid for this shit.

Yes, I know that play sealed a win against a playoff team and the first home win in over a year. Yes, I know it involved one of my favorite players. Yes, it was a great game and a great play. However.



Steve Smith shrugged of the ENTIRE TEXANS SECONDARY to score this touchdown. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT THE BEST PLAY!?!? Have you ever broken a tackle in your life? Looking at your picture, imagine there is a person blocking you from the scarf store and they grab you. Now imagine five more of them grab you. and you still get your scarf!

It doesn't have to be a scarf. Whatever you're in to. Neckbeards, members only jackets, pretzels, whatever.

There's more to this article but really it's not worth it.

God fucking dammit

Steve Smith is unhappy, needs friends.

Listen ya'll Steve Smith needs some friends up in this motherfucker cause he can't carry this shit on his own shoulders.

Unfortunately this article is written by Stan Olsen which makes it damn near unreadable but I'm making that sacrifice for you.

But it was more than that. No other receiver consistently eased the pressure on Smith, prompting one NFC scout to say, "Everybody's game plan was to make sure they shut him down first."

One NFC scout said this? You really had to get an unsourced quote on this? You made that up, didn't you? Believe me, an unnamed mystery scout is no less full of shit than you are Stan so just go ahead and say "everybody and their fucking mother knows that as long as Deshaun Foster gets playing time, Smith is the only offensive player worth a damn."

It was mostly downhill from there until Moore stabilized the position.

Ahhhhhhhh hell yeah son

Now the Panthers have three choices: Stand pat and hope that Carter and Jarrett continue to develop; add another receiver through the draft; or buy a No. 2 receiver in free agency.

Option 1: Carter and Jarrett? Good god I'm glad at least he didn't mention Keary Colbert. And why the fuck is he not mentioning The Lovetrain (Ryne Robinson)? This reminds me of when everyone was panicking about resigning Donald Hayes while Steve Smith was buy taking every punt back from a touchdown but couldn't get a snap at wide receiver. Of course Stan Olsen probably just forgot the Love Train is on the team.

Option 2: Oh god don't draft another wide receiver please. I'm not sure I could handle another Ohio State or USC shit fest.

Option 3: ERNEST WILFORD

WR Ernest Wilford was the only Jag to pull his name tag off his locker, and because he wasn't offered a long-term contact before the end of his current deal, he said he doubts he'll be back.

Carolina Panthers: Predicting they'll be predicted to be preseason champs...again

Darin Gantt has given us this nice little article in an attempt to warm our hearts.

CHARLOTTE --There exists a notion that the Carolina Panthers don't have the kind of salary cap room needed to fix their problems or engage in the active offseason the owner has promised.

It's dead wrong.

Well that's great. And here I was thinking the Panthers were going to be in for a nice, quiet free agency period, once which would force them to reevaluate their drafting process and examine their existing personnel. But nope! Now we can anxiously await the kind of reckless spending that brought up such players as Kemo'eatu, Hartwig, and Keyshawn Johnson!

There's nearly $5 million more available when they do what they already planned to do with the contract of Steve Smith. More money will come in smaller chunks throughout the spring.

Wait wait wait, we pay Steve Smith and end up saving money? Good fucking god the NFL's cap system is an indecipherable piece of shit.

That number included a $15.6 million cap figure for defensive end Julius Peppers, in the final year of his rookie deal. But it didn't figure the $1.5 million which will be credited back to the 2008 cap when they account for a Pro Bowl incentive which he didn't cash this season. That bonus was considered "likely to be earned," or LTBE in contract parlance, since Peppers went to Hawaii the year before. And any LTBE incentives which aren't earned become credits to the next year's cap.

I should have known that article was shit when I saw SI, but I has hopeful that the Panthers were not going to be able to blow their cash again. Julius Peppers should return his entire god damn contract after last year.

More room will come when they make some cuts -- likely to include David Carr and Dan Morgan, and perhaps others such as Mike Wahle and DeShaun Foster.

Oh my god yes please let this happen. Cutting Carr and Foster would make this offseason a success no matter what else we did.

The temptation for general manager Marty Hurney was to debunk the early reports, but he stayed as quiet, as he does with all contract matters. The Panthers don't comment on any numbers, although they know full well they all eventually seep out.

yeah, I agree. fuck explaining things to people who help pay your salary.

anyway, all this action insures that the Panthers will be predicted to win the Super Bowl next year. And since the Panthers almost always perform to the opposite of their expectations, you can be sure we'll be lucky to win three games. I'm imaging a Sum of All Fears scenario in which Jake Delhomme dies and John Fox decides to go with some veteran washup like Ryan Leaf or something until at 0-13 he gives Matt Moore the ball who quickly wins the last three games, putting up 10 TDs in that span. Then all the announcers will talk about how awesome Moore is and Fox will have to resign out of shame. Yeah....

anyway, back to preseason champs thing.

1. "Key" starters returning from injury? Check
2. Brought in numerous "impact" free agents? Check
3. Another Mel Kiper approved draft? Check
4. Coach the media has a fascination with?

My biggest fear is that one of two things will happen. Either the Panthers will manage to scrap by a 9 win playoff appearance and lock up Fox's job for another three years, guaranteeing more of the same crap. Dan Snyder fires whatever pile of shit is coaching the team by then and gives Cowher eleventy billion dollars and we miss out on him. Or, what would be my guess, everything manages to blow up hysterically in their face and all they manage to do is submarine their cap space. No coach worth a damn wants a part of this money pit and we end up with a coaching staff even Atlanta would laugh at.

Woo offseason!

Stan Olsen: A brief moment of lunacy

This guy, who very obviously has never played a sport in his life, has written a good article about wide receivers the Panthers should go after in the offseason. And by good article, I mean he got one right then shit the bed.

- Ernest Wilford, Jacksonville -- he's got good size (6-4, 223 pounds) and is strong and physical.

Yes, fantastic. I want this guy. He's everything Olsen said he is, he'll be cheap, he's young, and you're taking him away from the Jaguars and fuck the Jaguars. Plus, you're keeping him out of the hands of teams like the Saints and Bucs who will be in the market for wide receivers this year.

- D.J. Hackett, Seattle -- Finished the season strong, although the 6-2 foot, 208-pound Hackett has had some injury problems.

Oh god dammit this D.J. Hackett shit is spreading like the plague.

- Bernard Berrian, Chicago -- Fast and not that big at 6-1 but still good as a possession guy--71 catches in 2007.

He's basically Drew Carter with more opportunities. Then again, if he could haul in Rex Grossman's shit bombs he would be great for Spray and Pray Delhomme.

- Andre Davis, Houston -- Fast, and with the added benefit of being a top kick returner. He played well when andre johnson was injured.

Nothing excites me like the thought of Andrew Davis (who the fuck is Andre Davis)

- Bryant Johnson, Ariz. -- Still a lot of potential, but not a lot of room for him with the Cardinals. He's a prototypical big receiver at 6-3 and 216.

A lot of people are going to be going after Bryant Johnson.

I got bored writing this post so if you got through to here I'm surprised.

Al Davis: Showing Jerry Richardso how to crazy up a team since 2000

I'm not sure any of you have heard this but apparently Al Davis has demanded that Lane Kiffin, after just a year on the job, resign. The guy lined up to replace him?

Are you fucking kidding me Al Davis? You have gone and made Jerry look amateurish in comparison. Richardson could learn oodles from Al's effort to torpedo his team. Quick Jerry, trade away Jon Beason for a bag of magic beans. Demand that Richard Marshall be converted to fullback. Instruct Marty Hurney to extend Deshaun Foster's contract, again.

Mike Rucker retirement?

Mike Rucker expected to make an announcement today. You all know what I'm thinking. Hopefully he doesn't go the Reggie White route and exclaim God hates Fags.

I'll keep you posted.

Steve Reed: Panthers biggest offseason needs

This is coming on the heels of Jerry Richardson's announcement that he wants the team to get the same kind of attitude it had during the Super Bowl run. Well, since they test for steroids more stringently now, in the mind of Steve Reed we can achieve this by signing a shit ton of free agents who will underperform!

1. Wide receiver. The Panthers need a playmaker to take pressure off Steve Smith. In fact, they probably need two. Keary Colbert and Drew Carter are both free agents, so the Panthers could look to replace both. Look for them to address this need in free agency, rather than the draft. It’s hard to count on a rookie to make an immediate impact at this spot. Just look at Dwayne Jarrett. The guy I’d like to see the Panthers sign is Seattle’s D.J. Hackett.

Jerry Richardson wants us to be tough and return to a Steelers type offense of running the ball so naturally Steve Reed suggests the most important position is Wide Receiver. Not only that, he's never played a full season, missed 10 games last year, and since Deion branch's ACL exploded in the playoffs he'll be a priority for them to resign.

2. Defensive end. There’s been no announcement yet from Mike Rucker regarding his future, but if he retires as expected the Panthers desperately need to add a pass rusher in free agency. Neither Stanley McClover nor Charles Johnson showed they were ready to step into a starting role in '07. In fact, even if Rucker were to return for a victory tour next season, the Panthers should still make upgrading this spot a huge priority.

They almost have to sign a free agent here because you certainly don't want a defensive lineman to suffer through any Panthers' coaching. Hell, they ruined Julius Peppers, even. You need a guy that has played a while, is established, and knows that he needs to tune out just about every fucking thing the coaching staff tells him. Also, if Mike Rucker decided to return AGAIN and he's not wearing a coaching uniform I'm going to have to start loading my gun.

3. Free safety. Deke Cooper did a decent job filling in last season, but he’s not going to scare many offensive coordinators. Besides, he’s a free agent so there’s no assurance he’ll be back. Nate Salley is returning from knee surgery, but the Panthers could really use a veteran ball hawking safety that causes turnovers and brings the same type of attitude to the defense that Chris Harris did this season. Mike Doss anyone?

Yes, The Deke Cooper Experience needs to go. No, it's not the third most important thing on the team. Bad Steve. Bad bad bad!

4. Guard. Mike Wahle is getting up there in age and has reached the point in his contract where cutting him has become a possibility. If the Panthers really want to be like the Steelers, as Richardson suggested, one addition that would make sense is adding unhappy Steelers guard Alan Feneca to the mix. He’s one of the best guards in the game and would be an immediate upgrade for this shaky offensive line. Look for Geoff Hangartner to be in the mix somewhere, probably at the other guard spot.

Mike Wahle is getting old (30) so we need to replace him with a Steelers castoff who is a year older? Boy that's fucking brilliant. This isn't the nineties. We don't sign every Steelers castoff like we did back then. And did you see the Steelers offensive line this year? I mean my god, they turned Roethlisberger into a bigger, whiter, uglier Mike Vick. I don't care if it wasn't Faneca's fault, whatever caused them to play so shitty may have been contagious.

Also, why spend big money on a guard when our more pressing need is.....

5. Offensive tackle. Remember, not only is Gross a free agent at right tackle, but so is Travelle Wharton on the left side. However, the reason this is so low on the list of priorities is because Gross could always move to left tackle and Jeremy Bridges could slide back out to right tackle. Ideally, you’d have to think the Panthers would want to keep Gross at right tackle because that has proven to be his better position.

This shouldn't be low on priorities. It should be our biggest priority! Gross is below average at Left Tackle, and if he thinks that's a possibility he's going to demand Left Guard money. And Jeremy Bridges? Are you fucking serious? Not only does he suck, but he's one bad lap dance away from shooting up a strip club.

The rest of it is just obvious stuff. Fullback, KR, Tight End, the same stuff we never upgrade. I'm not sure Tight End is a problem, honestly. Both Rosario and King showed they're good as specific things (King underneath, Rosario stretching the field). If they went into training camp with those two primarily I'd be alright.

The most important thing for this team is their offensive line, offensive line, offensive line, and they're not going to solve this problem through quick fixes in free agency. Signing aging veterans does nothing except tie up four years of cap for one year of performance. Lines have to be built through the draft, and if the Panthers really wanted to make a splash, they'd trade up into Long or Otah range.

Of course they won't. They'll end up taking a wide receiver out of the Pac-10 or some bullshit. Desean Jackson woooooo oh god there's so much blood

2003 Panthers: One Step From Greatness (2010)

Well, the Panthers brass contacted me yesterday and told me that they were so impressed with my writing abilities that they want me to pen the 2003 Panthers' Superbowl season script. Of course, I accepted, and got down to writing immediately. I'm almost done.

The plot follows the story of a dying cancer patient (Sam Mills) coming back to coach the team one last time. It is led by a plucky undrafted QB (Jake Delhomme), a saucy wide receiver (Steve Smith), and a coach that just doesn't know how to quit (John Fox).

Together, they not only rise to overcome the odds, but learn more about themselves and grow not just as player, but as people.

And there is a lot of gratuitous hardcore sex.

Part of my contract was that I had input in regards to actors. I had to fight hard for this. I didn't want them to fill this movie with a bunch of assholes from WB shows. We need legit actors to tell the greatest football story of all time. Besides, I'm pretty sure legally you have to be like 28 to be in some of the scenes I'm writing.

The Good Guys

Jake Delhomme

Sean Penn would play Jake Delhomme, a mildly retarded, lovable shit shoveler from Dipfuck, Louisiana. He grew up dreaming of the day he could throw a football. He was discovered on the job, handing out water for the Saints. Unfortunately, Aaron Brooks was slightly less retarded than him and was allowed to start.

The film starts off with John Fox meeting him in a Denny's. Jake says all he needs is a chance, then proceeds to drool all over himself and drops his Grand Slam. John Fox likes his moxy and signs him right away.

As the season progresses, John Fox teaches Jake Delhomme how to read, how to ride horses, and how to force the ball into triple coverage.

Steve Smith

If there's anything I've learned about the film business is that you have to have a rapper in your film if you want to get butts in the seats. In Atlanta, instead of advertising American Gangster by showing Denzel Washington, they decided to show some asshole named TI.

Steve Smith would have just gotten out of prison in Santa Monica after stealing a car for crack money. John Fox would notice his breakaway speed while seeing him beat up a woman for her purse and running from the cops. He immediately signs him to join his plucky band of rebels and outcasts.

Sam Mills

Sam Mills would be dying of cancer the entire time and giving out advice. He'd die in the fourth quarter just as John Kasay's ACL explodes, forcing him to kick it out of bounds.

Really I just needed an old, wise, black actor for this role and there's only one of those around so he gets the role by default.

John Fox

John Fox is a burnt out meth addict from Oakland who has been given one last chance to turn his career around, and become reacquainted with his estranged daughter, who's working as a prostitute in New Orleans.

The role is complex and complicated. It needs an actor capable of making people believe he doesn't give a shit about overwhelming observable evidence and logical decisions. You have to know, as an audience member, that he is succeeding despite himself. I want a viewer to watch this and just know he's going ruin a draft pick or something.

Julius Peppers

That black dude in the locker room from Any Given Sunday. You know exactly which one I'm talking about.

Don't watch that scene with your girlfriend.

The Bad Guys

Mike Vick

Apparently every movie with black people has to have Martin Lawrence in it. It's some unwritten rule. I can't imagine why else they'd put him on screen. He's about as funny as slamming your dick in the door. He and Mo'Nique make me hope the Mayans were right and the world is going to end in 2012.

Anyway, they're both black, they're both convicts, and they're both irritating. Good enough for me.

Vick would be the only person standing in the way of the Panthers run. Since Del Rio had designed the team to stop actual NFL quarterbacks, they'd be puzzled about what to do with a QB who couldn't throw.

Tom Brady

This works for a few reasons. Firstly, he has the same body of Tom Brady. Many of you would say that Michael Cera probably can't throw a ball ten yards, but that's alright because Brady barely can either.

Also he was in Juno which was about some guy knocking up a girl. He didn't ditch her in the film but I'm sure it would be easy to get him in that mindset.

"Hey Michael, you know how you weren't a dick?"

"Yeah?"

"Be a fucking dick."

"Okay!"

Oscar baby.

Bill Belichick

Someone who can be an tremendous asshole and doesn't care about how they look. Val Kilmer has exploded.

The Slut

Anna Benson

We need a stupid slut with sports connections who could believable be attracted to every single main character in the movie. Well, Anna Benson threatened to fuck the entire Mets team so obviously she doesn't have standards. And besides, every movie needs a girl to blow the screenwriter/casting agent.

Sean Gilbert: The Adventure of 2 first round picks

In the process of writing down players on my shit list I started trying to track exactly how those two picks the Panthers sent to the Redskins were used. It's quite the journey.

Luckily, super nerd King Rhabuf from somethingawful did the research for me. For all those interested, here is the history of Sean Gilbert.

Its pretty complicated

He had a good second year with the Rams (then in LA). He had battled some injuries in the early part of his career. The Redskins traded for him to shore up their run defense. The pick the Redskins traded, the 6th overall, was used by the Rams on Lawrence Phillips.

Monday, the Redskins finalized a trade with St. Louis - the Rams, that is - for a 6-5, 300-plus pound defensive tackle who was a former high No. 1 draft pick. They paid for Sean Gilbert by surrendering their No. 1 draft choice in this month's college draft.

``The difference between the trade today and the one 21 years ago is that Sean Gilbert already has been a Pro Bowl defensive tackle and an alternate Pro Bowl defensive end,'' said Redskins general manager Charley Casserly. ``There's no question everybody recognizes Sean Gilbert as one of the finest defensive tackles in pro football.

``The quickest way we can win is to trade our No. 1 pick for an outstanding football player whose best football is still ahead of him.''

Then, Gilbert held out because the Redskins would not pay him what he wanted. They franchised him, and then traded him to the Panthers. This is from a terrible post I found. Eventually, one of those first rounders landed Champ Bailey. Charlie Casserly made some pretty good moves. From what I read, Gilbert was a solid, not great, player on the Panthers. Definitely not worth the two elite picks though.

The redskins were not willing to pay him what he wanted so he held out for the 98' season and the skins franchised him. don't forget the skins traded the 6th pick in the 96' draft to the rams for gilbert. Oh yeah and the rams drafted lawrence Billups....now out of the nfl. Anyway does anyone remember us trading him to the panthers for two first rounders for 99' and 00' draft? well thats what Charley got the redskins. He used one two first round draft choices washington had prior to the 1999 draft. In a trade to aquire brad johnson. a very good nfl quarterback at the time. He respectively traded washingtons 1st, 2nd and 4th round draft choices. the 1st rounder was respectively the 17th pick which the vikings drafted daunte culpeper with.
Part two anyone remember the Ricky william trade between the redskins and the New orleans saints? well that's how we got champ bailey... You see Then saints coach mike Ditka had to have ricky williams...bong and all. The redskins had the draft position to tke either ricky williams or another player like peter warrick. So casserly cut a deal with the saints. casserly traded the redskins other first rounder the draft the third overall choice to new orleans for all of there draft picks in the 99' draft and there first rounder in 2000. He then cut a deal with the chicago bears so he could move back up in the draft to the 8th spot. He then drafted champ bailey in the first round, aquired John Jansen in the 2nd round, had aquired Brad Johnson prior to the draft. And had amassed the redskins 3 first rounders for the 2000 draft. The result. Snyder fired him before the 99' season. and guess what the redskins traded a first rounder to the 49ers in the 2000 draft just to move up to the 2nd spot to draft Lavar Arrington, and got chris samuels with the 3rd pick.

(Editor's note: I'm pretty sure King got that from ExtremeSkins because good god whoever wrote that, while well informed, has the grammatical abilities of a six year old.)

He traded the Panthers pick #5, to the Saints, who gave up all their picks for Ricky Williams. He also got the Saints '00 pick. He then used the Saints first rounder to swap with the Bears, to get Champ Bailey. Their other first rounder was used to get Brad Johnson. The Vikings then used that pick to draft Dante Culepper.

Next year in 2000, the Redskins used their Saints pick (which was gotten with the Panthers pick) to draft LaVar Arrington. They traded up with San Francisco to select Chris Samuels right behind him. On a more confusing note:

Cost Analysis of Ditka's
Ricky Williams Trade
by Ron Marthia, March 26, 2003

In 1999 the New Orleans Saints made a much maligned trade with the Washington Redskins that brought an odd couple together--Mike Ditka and Ricky Williams. Washington's then-general manager Charlie Casserly gave up the fifth selection in the first round of the 1999 draft that Mike Ditka used on Ricky Williams for all six of Iron Mike's picks that year (1-12, 3-71, 4-107, 5-144, 6-179 and 7-218) plus 1st and 3rd-round choices in 2000 that became the 2nd and 64th overall.

Because Casserly used just three of the Saints picks to stock the Redskins roster and traded the others away, Ditka's critics never bothered to figure out just what players were ultimately tagged in the slots vacated by New Orleans.

The following is a record of what teams took what prospects with the draft choices New Orleans sacrificed for Ricky Williams:

Round-Player-Year Team Position Player
1-12-1999 Chicago Bears QB Cade McNown
3-71-1999 Chicago Bears WR D'Wayne Bates
4-107-1999 Washington Redskins LB Nate Stimson
5-144-1999 Chicago Bears LB Khari Samuel
6-179-1999 Denver Broncos TE Desmond Clark
7-218-1999 Denver Broncos WR Billy Miller
1-2-2000 Washington Redskins LB La'Var Arrington
3-64-2000 Washington Redskins DB Lloyd Harrison

Just one of these players is still with the team that picked him, Pro Bowl LB Arrington.

McNown, who bounced from the Bears to the Dolphins in 2001 and on to the 49ers in 2002, hasn't thrown a pass since 2000. D'Wayne Bates had a decent season with the Vikings in 2002, but he wasn't productive with the Bears, who lost him to free agency. Nate Stimsom hasn't played for anyone since he was drafted. Khari Samuel started one game with the Bears in 1999 but moved to Detroit in 2001 and then on to Houston in 2002. Desmond Clark had his best year with Denver in 2001 when he caught 56 passes for 566 yards but the Broncos let him go to Miami in 2002 when Shannon Sharpe reupped with Mike Shanahan's troops. After catching 2 passes for 42 yards in 2002, Clark departed early this month for Chicago as an unrestricted free agent. Billy Miller didn't do much of anything as a Bronco and served as a free agent tight end with the Houston expansion team in 2002, where he put up numbers similar to those notched by Clark in 2001. In his 4-year career, Lloyd Harrison has been with three teams, the Skins, Chargers and Dolphins. What city is next on the itinerary of the peripatetic Mr. Harrison?

Mike Ditka put himself in the spotlight when he made his bold and much maligned trade. If he had retained the picks he gave up for Ricky Williams and used them as the teams that acquired them did, he might not have become the object of ridicule that he became. Folks might have complained about two drafts that produced a net of one great linebacker, had they noticed, but they might not have noticed. Just as they have never noticed that the fateful 1-5-99 pick New Orleans traded for originally belonged to the Carolina Panthers genius who in 1998 thought DE-DT Sean Gilbert was worth a pair of future 1st-round draft choices that eventually turned out to be Ricky Williams (1-5-99) and DE Shaun Ellis (1-12-00).

One could argue they led to Champ Bailey and LaVar Arrington too, as the Panthers pick was the one that started the whole mess.

-King Rhabuf

Well, there you have it. The Panthers started a convoluted avalanche of shit with that Sean Gilbert trade. Our two picks led directly to Ricky Williams and Shaun Ellis. They led to the Redskins drafting Champ Bailey and LaVar Arrington as well.

Fan fucking tastic. Maybe it Arrington had been a Panthers he wouldn't have blown up his knee or dated Serena Williams.

Panthers Lists: All Time Shit Edition

In lieu of actual news about the Panthers I'm going to post something I started writing when I was drunk last night. Originally it was even more ridiculous and contained things like Karl Hankton and Hodgkins - Lymphoma but I've toned it down a little bit here. Basically this is a shit list of Panthers players/general managers. This is in no way a comprehensive list. Feel free to add your own.

Also I'm not sure why I put Kevin Green on here but I trust a drunk me more than a sober me so whatever.

Kerry Collins: SUP MY NIGGERS!

Kerry Collins came into this town like a malevolent wave of death and would leave with a whimper. He sat most of 1995 behind Frank Reich before finishing the year as the starter and not really accomplishing much. He took the reigns in 1996 and established what would be the Panthers’ MO on offense that year that year; get the team within field goal range, don’t turn the ball over, hope the defense does something awesome. He even managed a pro bowl appearance that year because about 7 QBs ahead of him got injured and he just “happened” to be in Hawaii, something even a 10 year old me thought was a little suspicious. Appropriately he threw a game losing interception.

1997 fell apart like a Polish submarine made of shit. Kerry got his jaw broken in the preseason by Bill Romonowski and collapsed into himself. He called Muhsin Muhammad a nigger and Norberto Davids Garrdio a spic because he thought it would help them bond. Has there ever been a worse idea in the history of mankind? What does some ugly white boy from Pennsylvania think he can gain from dropping the N bomb to the OG, Muhsin Muhammad? Garrido has that immigrant work ethic thing and you know he wasn’t going to put up with that. Apparently Norberto stuck Kerry in the eye that night, and he’s lucky that’s all he did because I’ve seen Oz and I know how much Mexicans like to stab people.

Kerry descended farther and farther into alcoholism and began terrorizing the streets of Charlotte. Then, the coup de grace, in 1998 Kerry decided his “heart wasn’t in it” and decided to turn the team over to Steve Beurlein (thank Christ for that!) and quit. He bounced around to the Saints, then led the Giants to a ridiculous Super Bowl appearance, then the Raiders and has settled in with the Titans where he is currently the backup to the worst quarterback in the NFL, Vince Young.

The “Kerry Collins Affect” meant a whole lot more than just the 1997-98 collapse. It’s very difficult to recover from blown first round draft picks, but it’s even harder to do so when it’s a quarterback. God only knows how bad 98-00 could have been without the Steve Beurlein experience to back us up. Collins was indicative of the first seven or so years of the Carolina Panthers: Shitty draft picks, questionable character, and indefensible play on the field.

That’s the Panthers I know and love!

Kevin Green: Wheel Chair Wrestling

A lot of you are saying “um what the fuck” at Kevin Green. It’s deservedly so, until you remember that he went to San Francisco so he could be a professional wrestler. Think about that. He would rather join the WCW than play for the Panthers. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

He finally came back and what did he do? He got in a fight on the sidelines with one of the coaches in a nationally televised game. Lamar Lathon had to pull him off of somebody. I’m fairly certain Pat Summerall called that game and said, “And things are falling apart on the Carolina sideline.”

Also that picture at the top pretty much encapsulates his wrestling "career." Although I have no idea because wrestling is gay and I don't live in a trailer so I don't watch it.

I’m really drunk and I’m taking a break from watching Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood to write this in but seriously Kevin Greene, when you’re not being totally awesome on the field, eat a dick.

David Carr: David Carr's brother called me gay

David Carr was brought in after 5 years of underachieving in Houston. He was thrust into the starter’s role in his rookie year, a move most would consider a grievous mistake (undertaken by our old friend Dom Capers) and proceeded to not live up to expectations. There was hope for us, however. He had a great completion percentage his final year in Houston and the optimistic opinion was that he had been ruined by awful coaching. A year under Mike McCoy (why did this give anyone confidence?) and he would be right as rain.

By now we all know what happened. Jake Delhomme got injured and David Carr shit in the pancakes. He had regressed physically and mentally since his days in Houston. He didn’t look like he wanted to be out there. He had a penchant for forcing it to Keary Colbert. He ignored Steve Smith. Defenses would send one person after and drop 10 in coverage because they knew he’d freak out. It was some of the most pathetic football I’ve ever had to witness as a Panthers fan, and believe me there’s been a lot of it.

The worst part about David Carr is that he’s a fucking microcosm of Panthers free agents moves of late. Instead of bringing in capable, competitive, proven contributors like Ricky Proehl, Steven Davis, and Greg Favors, they go after big splashes that just blow up in their face. David Carr also personifies something else: failing epically. Remember in King Pin where his name (Munson) became synonymous with getting screwed? We should do that with Carr.

“Oh wow, Vick really Carr’d his career with that dog thing.”

"Chad Pennington is totally Carr'd."

"Way to Carr yourself there Pacman Jones."

I think it has a nice ring to it.

Sean Gibert: Why God Why?

Holy hell what a bucket of fail this turned out to be.

Dom Capers decided that he needed a game changig defensive end. Okay, cool, that’s a good idea I guess. True to Dom Capers form, he decided the answers to his prayers were a former number 3 pick from University of Pittsburgh who had held out an entire year for the Redskins in a contract dispute. Free Agency is a good idea because we were starting to realize that he didn't know how to draft.

Now the price. Keep in mind this is a guy who just sat out for an entire year. He’s not exactly a team first guy or even that great on the field; after a Pro Bowl year in 1993 his biggest selling point was a Defensive Player of the Week award in 1996. This guy went downhill faster than an out of control wheel chair in San Francisco and EVERYONE knew it. Dom Capers decided he was worth not one, but TWO first round picks.

This wouldn’t have been as bad if it happened in like 1984. Before Jimmy Johnson fleeced the entire state of Minnesota in the Herschel Walker trade, no one really understood what draft picks were worth. You could get a first rounder in the eighties from Atlanta, for example, for a bucket of friend chicken and a bag of magic beans. Jimmy Johnson basically came out with a chart that explained it all, and the gist of it is that high first rounders are basically untouchable for anything except an elite, established player. This was known.

What did those picks become? One of them, the 2000 draft pick, eventually landed in the hands of the Jets who took Chris Samuels with it. The other was sent to New Orleans for the rights to Ricky Williams in exchange for a butt load of picks and turned into a bunch of players, including Lavaar Arrington and Champ Bailey. Here, you try to figure this out.

DE Sean Gilbert to Carolina (1998) from Washington for a 1-5-99 and a 1-12-00 pick. The 1-5-99 pick went to New Orleans (see next entry) while the 1-12-00 pick was traded to the 49ers, who sent it to the Jets (see 2000: T Chris Samuels and DE Shaun Ellis).

RB Ricky Williams (1-5-99) to New Orleans from Carolina/Washington for eight draft choices, three of which netted Washington LB Nate Stimson (4-107-99), LB LaVar Arrington (1-2-00) and DB Lloyd Harrison (3-64-00). Five of the eight picks were included in other trades made by Washington.

1. 1-12-99 and 3-71-99 picks from New Orleans/Washington to Chicago for DB Champ Bailey (1-7-99). Chicago selected QB Cade McNown and WR D'Wayne Bates.
2. 5-144-99 from New Orleans/Washington, along with a 2-40-99 from Washington, to Chicago for T Jon Jansen (2-37-99). Chicago chose LB Khari Samuel (5-144-99) and traded Washington's 2-40-99 pick to Oakland (see 1999: DE Tony Bryant).
3. 6-179-99 and 7-218-99 picks from New Orleans/Washington to Denver for T Derek Smith (5-165-99). Denver chose TE Desmond Clark (6-179-99) and WR Billy Miller (7-218-99).

It turns out that Sean Gilbert was a gigantic bust, set the entire franchise back four years, and was the final nail in the coffin for Dom Capers. Gilbert managed to get six sacks but wasn’t exactly the game changing force they’d hoped he be. He never adjusted to the 3-4.

It’s hard to hate Sean Gilbert for this. It’s not his fault Dom Capers overpaid so ridiculously for him. However, he’s sorta the face for that entire debacle. Mentioning Dom Capers brings up an entirely different reaction from people and they usually don’t realize you’re talking about Sean Gilbert.

Bill Polian - Later, bitches!

Once again, a guy who did a lot of good for the Panthers. He basically put together a NFC Champion contending team in a year using scraps from other teams and an expansion draft that has since been toned down because of how great an advantage it gives to new teams.

But then holy hell did he take the money and run. In 1997 he became the President of the Indianapolis Colts, leaving the Panthers in the incapable hands of Dom Capers. Capers would proceed to follow Polian’s habit of drafting the team into the ground.

Polian’s draft picks while in Carolina weren’t just horrible, he passed on legitimately great players while making them. He took Tshiamunga Biakabtuka over Eddie George. At the press conferece he was asked if he “…had any concerns about Biakabatuka’s injury history.”

“None,” was his response. Boy that would become a recurring fucking theme.

Muhsin Muhammad over Marvin Harrison? Check. Wide receiver who murdered his pregnant girlfriend? Check. Alcoholic shit smear from Pennsylvania? Check.

Not to mention he threw a chair in a press conference.

Die in a fire.

Also, holy hell a Colts fan wrote his wikipedia page

Tom Sorensen: Somehow manages to not write about the Panthers

In a stunning move that achieves new heights in mediocrity for even Tom Sorensen, he has managed to write an article about the Panthers that isn't about the Panthers at all. When looking for a picture of him, hopefully eating a stick of glue, I came across this picture of a Dutch goalie with the same name.

I think it's now safe to assume that not only has Tom Sorensen never seen a Panther game, but he also plays the most boring position in the most boring sport in all the god damn land. Seriously, I'd rather watch 4 hours of jai'lai than ten minutes of soccer.

The faggotry starts right at the title for Tom, as it often does.

Panthers should pass
on run-oriented attack

New England a good role model for Carolina

Tom comes right out and says that the Panthers should model themselves after the best team record wise in the NFL. I'm sure about thirty five reasons that's not possible just flew through your head, but that's not going to stop Tom! Here are the highlights.

Run the ball, drink at least eight glasses of water a day and, speaking of water, don't dive in for at least an hour after you eat.

Tom Sorensen as this bizarre habit of filling his columns with absolutely meaningless tripe like this. Instead of actually writing anything they let him get away with taking up a paragraph worth of space with shit his kid wouldn't be able to turn in for a passing grade in his fifth grade class.

But when owners, general managers and coaches look at what New England has accomplished this season, they have to be tempted to borrow its philosophy if not overtly steal it.

Oh okay so all we need is a Hall of Fame quarterback, a Hall of Fame Wide Receiver, a Hall of Fame coach to implement it, and a legion of asshole fans to lean on. Consider it implemented! What else do you need Tom?

It also must have imagination. Not only do you have to take on defenses, you have to take on convention.

That's the missing ingredient to the Panthers! Imagination! Quick, we need some imagination inspiration!


Woo, I don't know about you but I sure am ready to go out and break passing records.

Sorensen ends this piece of shit with this gem.

Would the Patriots fail with a lesser quarterback, blockers and receivers?

Or instead of going 16-0, would they go a mere 10-6?

[masshole]Anything less than 16-0 is failure for the Patriots![/masshole]

I don't know, Tom. Let's give them the Panthers offensive line and see how many games they win. Or maybe Keary Colbert and Drew Carter. I'm sure Belichick can get the most out of them! Maybe with David Carr under center they'll be able to eek out a few wins.

Look, it's not Tom Sorensen's fault he doesn't know anything about football. The Charlotte Observer has shown for years that knowing anything about the subject you're covering isn't a prerequisite. He just sees the Patriots on his television, takes his toes out of his mouth and says, "We do that good then will be!"

The Patriots are a lot of things the Panthers aren't, and have a lot of things that the Panthers don't have. They have an offensive line that is good, effective, and allowed to hold on every play. They have receivers that are allowed to push off and can bail out Brady's wounded ducks past 30 yards. They have a QB that can see the entire field, pick apart a defense underneath the coverage, and knows if anyone touches him he can bitch to the officials and get a 15 yard penalty. They also have a defense with a great defense line and a back 8 that doesn't get called for a single penalty, masking how horrifically ineffective they are.

The Panthers have a good wide receiver. One. That's it. I'm confident that the Rhyne Robsinon love train will get into full gear this season, but they still need 80 percent of an offensive line. They still need complementary receivers. And most importantly, they need someone who is not:

Panthers.com: Ministry of Truth edition

Someone has alerted me to the front page of a 25 page report from the Panthers FO about the season for the fans and even though I can't find it online I'm going to assume what I've been shown is true because only the Panthers would be bold enough to lie in the face of their ticket holders like this. Honestly when I read 1984 I thought it would only be relevant in regards to bleak visions of the future in video games or Republican presidents but my god.

When the Carolina Panthers 2007 season began it would have been impossible to foresee the unlikely quartet of Vinny Testaverde, Matt Moore, Jake Delhomme and David Carr starting at quarterback, much less each recording a victory. The Panthers joined the San Francisco 49ers as the only other team in the League to start four different quarterbacks and the first team in 10 years to have four different quarterbacks start and win a game.

I totally agree! When the season began it would have been impossible to predict just how badly the FO's lack of planning and scouting would come back to bite us in the ass. If not for the miracle of Matt Moore we may have brought Jeff Lewis out of retirement to finish off the season.

“The bottom line is the record was not what we hoped for,” says John Fox, whose 56 wins over the last six seasons are ninth in the NFL. “It was a season that tested everyone associated with the team.”

Oh this fact is such a crock of shit. Who gives a flying fuck? Let's think of coaches that have been with their teams since John took over in 2002. We've got Gruden, Reid, Lovie Smith, Holmgren, Belichick, Dungy, Billick (just fired), and Shanahan. Then Fox. Out of all of those, who would you least want to have? At least Billick is funny.

• Twelve rookies and first-year players on the final roster, including six who started games.

I'd really rather Dwayne Jarret and Ryan Kalil had never seen the field but I guess that's just me. I'm not sure you can call what they did "playing."

•Steve Smith, who became the first Panther to record three consecutive 1,000-yard receiving seasons despite playing with four different quarterbacks.

Somehow the most dynamic wide receiver to ever play the game only had 1,003 yards and 7 touchdowns. Yeah, positive.

•Linebacker Jon Beason, who set a team record with 160 tackles as a rookie while starting 16 games.

Okay Beason is God. He probably wouldn't have had to set the record though if there was anyone in front of him capable of making a talent.

•Running back DeAngelo Williams, who rushed for 717 yards and averaged 5.0 yards per carry.

The only thing this does is show how fucking stupid Fox is for not starting him all season.

The offensive line was again anchored by right tackle Jordan Gross, who has started 80 consecutive regular season games with left tackle Travelle Wharton, guard Mike Wahle, and center Justin Hartwig manning other positions.

I'm not sure "manning" is the correct term here. I think occupying is a much better word, since manning implies that they were competent enough to hold it down.

On second thought, manning sounds like a navy term, and we all know the navy is gay, so yes, that's what Hartwig, Wahle, and Wharton did: they gayed up the offensive line.

Acquired in a preseason trade with Chicago, Harris was second to Beason in tackles with 102 but produced a number of big plays with a team record eight forced fumbles, three fumble recoveries and an interception.

What does it say when a player who comes in during the pre season is the second best player on your defense? the best tackler? forces the most fumbles? is the most outspoken? the best player is a rookie who hasn't been indoctrinated yet with the culture of mediocrity allowed to permeate the Panthers under Fox.

MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE COACHING STAFF YOU DUMB FUCKS

The defense finished fourth in the League in yards per carry allowed and 16th in overall defense with mainstays along the defensive line in ends Julius Peppers and Mike Rucker along with tackles Kris Jenkins and Maake Kemoeatu.

This could probably be explained by the fact that offenses rarely had that far to go. The Panthers offense would get it, flail about ineptly for 90 seconds, punt from their 18, give up a 40 yard return, and before anyone knew what was happening the other team's offense was inside Carolina's thirty.

Cornerbacks Ken Lucas, Richard Marshall and Chris Gamble enjoyed solid seasons in the secondary with Marshall excelling on special teams as well with a team-high 17 tackles. Marshall also tied safety Deke Cooper for the lead in interceptions with three.

True story that the special teams only recorded 22 tackles this year. Jon Beason caused the other 5 with his mind.

Don't worry Panther fans. Tons of good can be taken out of this season. All you have to do is take stats out of context, like blatantly to people, parse things that are favorable, and make sure you don't have a soul.

Jerry Richardson: tucking in John Fox since 2003

Jerry Richardson came out of his cave today to address the media. I'm assuming it looked something like this.

Anyway this story is set to be posted by the observer in about three hours but I'm beating them to the punch because even a free lance blogger is worth more than the Charlotte fucking Observer.

“I asked one group, “Have y’all seen Phantom of the Opera? You remember the guy with the white face?” I was going all around under the ground. And then he sings this beautiful song; I sort of feel like him but I can’t sing. I visited with the people, probably ten different groups.

“And then John and Marty, they’re feeling awful. So I didn’t want to tell them that I wanted to visit with them because I didn’t want to make that more stressful on them.

Um, I'm not kidding. This is in there for some reason. We all know Panthers games are torture for the actual fans that show up. Two decade old rock and cheerleaders that belong at a service academy game don't really whip us up into a frenzy, but what the fuck are you babbling about Jerry?

"Hi, welcome to Bank of America stadium, please let me know if we get too loud. Also in the third quarter we'll be giving out tickets to Blithe Spirit!"

We started about quarter ‘til 2, and I began (by reminding them) the sky is not falling. That there was no anger from me, and I would listen to whatever they had to say. And that at 6 o’clock we’d stop, and we’d have dinner, the three of us. And after dinner, we would do something fun.

Taken out of context that sounds really gay.

After 6 we weren’t going to talk about football anymore.

I told them we were going to bed at 9:30, which we did. There was no TV, and I didn’t know if I could trust those two guys (smiling). Up at our lake when it gets dark, it’s dark—it’s up at Lake James. And at 9:45, I wondered if I needed to do a bed check (laughs). I got up; there wasn’t a light on; I could barely see. And I looked down the hall and I stumbled down to their rooms to make sure that they were in their beds. They were—they passed the bed check.

So in the midst of the most important conversation in the history of the franchise, one that will determine whether John Fox and Marty Hurney stay on, Richardson gives them a bed time? Are you fucking serious? A FUCKING BED TIME? Did you give them those little pajamas with padded feet too? Maybe a blankie? Everyone in the front office of this team needs to die. If I'm working for a guy who tells me to go to bed at 930 and checks on me (because I sure as hell couldn't get to sleep) I'm not working for that guy in the morning.

Q: ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT THE IMPRESSION OF THIS BEING A “WIN OR ELSE” SEASON FOR FOX AND HURNEY, HOW THAT WILL IMPACT THE PLAYERS AND STAFF?

A: "I can see how some could perceive it that way. But the important thing is, I don’t perceive it that way. I was in New York one time, having lunch with (then Commissioner) Pete Rozelle. There were some business people (nearby) having a discussion about the Giants and the Jets, and they were experts; in their minds, they were experts. They had different points of view; that’s our business; the more different points of view, the better for us. I would say, that’s just part of the NFL and sports in general. People have different points of view."

Don't worry John. Jerry doesn't expect success. Meander to 7-9 again and you should be alright.

Q: CAN YOU ELABORATE ON WHAT YOU THREE DECIDED YOU WANT MOVING FORWARD?

A: “We want to be a physical team, and we want to be able to run the ball; stop the run. And if you do those two things, you’re likely going to have opportunities to exploit the passing game and specifically, Steve (Smith). And we always want to be very good on special teams. That’s different than saying we want to be a West Coast-type pass offense.

You want to run the ball and stop the run? Know what you need to do that? Offensive and Defensive linemen. Guess what positions on the team are the weakest. Hmm, seems to me that the guys you have in place aren't doing their job.

“I would like for the Carolina Panthers and the way we operate our team to simulate the Pittsburgh Steelers. And that applies even to how we operate our stadium. We don’t have a lot of fancy stuff going on."

They also put a winning product on the field. People are a lot more willing to except Sparta when they actually have something to cheer for.

We try to have the best playing surface we can have; we’re very particular about that. We have the NFL logo on our 50-yardline because we want to reemphasize to our fans this is NFL football; it’s not something else. It’s the most powerful brand in sports.

Well guys forget about football we've got great fucking grass and the NFL shield at midfield. Alright now let's go have some cucumber cakes and drink tea and make sure you're in bed for your naps at 1 PM sharp!

“We don’t play wild music at games. We try to do things in a dignified way. We try to make the outside of the stadium as pristine as it can be, the restrooms as clean as they can be. We want a fan-family environment; there was a time when we used to get a lot of flack about taking shirts off; we don’t hear that anymore. So we talked about those sorts of things, and I think they’re clear and I’m clear.”

Jerry Richardson is so fucking out of touch with this team and the fanbase it's disgusting. What is dignified about the Carolina Panthers the last two seasons? Falling apart in the second half? David Carr? And a fan-family environment? What the fuck does that mean? Oh, it means a place a dad can bring his two daughters and not have them hear the word Fuck before he leaves at halftime and a bunch of fucking ass hole Dallas fans just congeal from the ground and take the seats. It's a fucking football game, not Wimbledon.

There are going to be changes; I don’t know if you can put them in the category of surprises; I couldn’t qualify that. … John and Marty have prepared; they’ve got a lot to do now. It’s not going to be a ho-hum off-season, it looks like."

This means absolutely nothing because they're all assholes and this team is falling apart and I hate to watch it. Jerry has shown that he doesn't actually have a commitment to winning by his actions. 8-8 next year and no one let me think otherwise.