David Carr gone. Ridiculous rumors ahoy.

Firstly, as we all know, David Carr was finally let go. This is the motto from here on out. We never mention him again and pretend it never happened. Focus on this picture and then move the fuck on.

Now, on to completely unsourced and rampant rumor mongering.

And New England free agent Randy Moss, he of the 98 catches and 23 TDs last season and easily the top wideout available, is not even on Panthers fans' radar. But one NFL insider has a very different take on things.

"New England didn't franchise Randy, so they'll make a long-term offer," he said. "But they don't usually overpay guys. Say they offer him $50 million over five years with $20 million guaranteed (in bonus money). Not a bad deal, right? But somebody out there will top it.

"Carolina has freed up a lot of cap space with all the guys they've cut recently. Suppose they offer Randy a 6-year, $60 million deal with $25 million guaranteed? Now, if the difference is one or two million, Moss probably gives the Patriots a discount and goes back. But $5 million extra guaranteed? These guys have egos. And he knows that Carolina has been working aggressively to get better. Who's to say he doesn't make the move?"

I will address this in one of two ways. The second will be as my usual cheery self. The first will be as a dipshit realgm.com boarder.

OH MY GOD this WOuld be fucking sweet!!!!! I did this trade in madden and let me tell you I had jake delhomme throwing for like 5000 yards and 56 touchdowns! i def think this would open up the game for our running game but we still need to draft a running back because deangelo acnt carry the load. also there are going to be a lot of good quarterbakcs in the draft so i think if we trade up to get two first rounders we can take mcfadden and matt ryan. with moss and smitty to throw to sueprbowl baby!!!!

Alright, now as myself.

No way in fucking hell this happens.

Firstly the Panthers have like three linemen and need an entirely new defensive line. They'd be stupid to put that much money into a position that isn't vital to what they apparently want to do now, which is run. they would affectively be wasting a 2nd round draft pick from last year because what kind of message does that send to Dwayne Jarrett? And where the fuck would you put moose? why sign him then go around and sign a number one?

Plus, Steve Smith couldn't handle that. he's the most competitive guy in the world. he once killed a guy who cut in front of him at chuckee cheese. true story.

Darin Gantt: Kris Jenkins' fat ass is gone

With the trading period beginning in earnest on Friday, it seems like Darin Gantt has heard a little bird talking about a player that's going to be out the door.

OK, now that they've taken care of their tackles, cut the deadwood and brought back Muhsin Muhammad, the next question is simply what's next.

You're probably going to have to wait until Friday to find out, because that's when the trading period begins, but from the sounds of things there is a market for Kris Jenkins.

Trading DTs is suddenly the rage, with Detroit offering up Shaun Rogers and the Jets trying to move Dewayne Robertson. You could make an argument that Jenkins is the best of the three, though Robertson's got more good years left.

Well, shit. There goes another member of the 2003 team. Basically after Rucker finally gives up the entire defense will have turned over with the exception of Julius Peppers, and that version barely shows up anymore. Kind of a sobering reality about life in the NFL.

Anyway, who are the candidates? Who has made the trade? What are we going to get? Luckily, I have a machine that is going to tell us the future.

She doesn't look like much, but she's got it where it counts. I've made a lot of special modifications.

Alright, let's type in the data.

-

=

.
..
...

Oh my god.



That's right.

The Panthers are trading the rights for Kris Jenkins to the Washington Redskins in exchange for the rights to Tom Cruise.

Panthers going for nostalgia, good times

Carolina pissed all of us off yesterday when their "big" free agent signing was Stephen Davis, running back here from 2003-2005.

The Panthers are expected to sign Stephen Davis to a deal which will allow the Spartanburg native to retire with his hometown team.

Also Monday, the Panthers completed contract restructurings with cornerback Ken Lucas and defensive tackle Maake Kemoeatu, gave the low restricted free agent tender of $927,000 to offensive lineman Evan Mathis, and signed a pair of exclusive rights free agents, running back Alex Haynes and safety C.J. Wilson, to one-year deals.

This is significant because....well, I don't really know why it's significant. It's kinda cool, I guess. Whatever gives the middle finger to Washington I'm a fan of. He basically carried the team to the playoffs until he went out in the Super Bowl and let Jake learn on the fly, so for that you can't hate him. But let's not stop there. Let's get REAL fucking nostalgic!

TODD STEUSSIE

You don't have to look very hard for a picture of Steussie holding. What you don't see here is he was actually offsides on this play as well. Why in the world we ever thought he was worth a big free agent contract is beyond me. He is living proof that steroids don't always make you better.

Rod Smart and Jarrod Cooper

I think it was the worst kept secret in Houston that year that these two were gay as fuck. Cooper was practically tonguing Rod Smart the entire time. By this time Jarrod was a far ways off from the guy who took off his helmet on the field before throwing a first punch. Smart was pretty useless as a kick return guy and for some reason didn't try to lateral it on the last play. I remember once reading a quote by Smart where he said in a few years he was going to be one of the top running backs in the NFL. He had his chance to start the next year when every running back in the world got hurt for the Panthers. What'd he do? Last one carry.

Still the fans loved them and Smart could grow his fro back out and all would be well.

Sam Mills

Yeah I know he's dead but can you think of anyone more beloved in the history of the Panthers than Sam Mills? They could just exhume his body and prop it on the sideline and people would pay.

Honestly there's not much happening now and I feel like I'm just throwing shit against the wall so I'm going back to sleep.

In lieu of Panthers' news, check out my sweet political burn.

I made this video about Hillary, who is much like David Carr. Check out that wicked sweet burn i had on her at the end.



Careful or I'll point my awesome burn gun at you.

Deshaun Foster video tribute.

I promised it and here it is!

Wha-? Where am I? What happened?

Mmmm, what happened? Oh god, my head hurts. Jesus Christ. Hold on a second.

Wait, coffee isn't going to fix this. Hold on.

Alright, that did the trick. It's all starting to come back to me; the alcohol, the strippers, the blow. I was celebrating.......something. What was it? What was that great thing again? Hmmmm, maybe if I check the internet I'll find an answer!

The Panthers released RB DeShaun Foster Thursday, apparently unable to find anyone willing to give up anything for him.

They cleared a $4.75 million chunk of salary cap space with the move, room they needed after sinking $7.455 million in RT Jordan Gross' franchise tag.

As much as they liked Foster, it was easy to see based on the structure of this contract this was coming.

Oh my fucking god.

If you want a serious read on this, head on over to Cat Scratch Reader. Being serious isn't what I'm all about. He's got fancy things like statistics, charts, and class. That's really not my style.

What is my style is talking about how fucking incredible it is that we're finally free of this fucking disease on the team. It's not Deshaun Foster's fault. He's probably a nice guy. John Fox just couldn't bench him. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience when I say that sometimes the only way to stop cheating on your girlfriend is to murder the stripper you keep seeing and in this case Deshaun Foster is Lola. Fox just couldn't leave him alone.

Where the Panthers go from here is fucking obvious: the Super Bowl. DeAngelo Williams is going to break every record in the world next year. All those years I have on Madden where I set it to Rookie with 12 minute quarters and run DeAngelo every time? Yeah, it's going to be like that. One time I broke ten thousand yards and 120 touchdowns in a season doing that. That'll be DWizzle at the halfway point.

I made a video for Deshaun that will be posted later tonight. In the meantime, time to start drinking again!

Hurney: We're not NOT going to look at Alge and Moose

He's a complicated man, and no one understands him but John Fox...

MARTY HURNEY!

Daaaaaaaaaaamn straight.

Oh yeah, he's also spoken from the combine at Indianapolis. I'm glad he took time from looking at shitty skill position players from inferior conferences to share this tidbit with us.

CHARLOTTE -- Carolina Panthers general manager Marty Hurney said he plans to inquire about two well-known veteran players who were officially released by other teams on Tuesday -- tight end Alge Crumpler and receiver Muhsin Muhammad.

"That is definitely something we will look into," Hurney said last night from the Scouting Combine in Indianapolis. "But I think we will do that with everybody that comes across that we think can help us."

While that doesn't mean the Panthers will sign either player, it's at least a signal they are intrigued.

First, let's look at Algernon.

Crumpler, who was released by Atlanta, is a Greenville, N.C., native who played for the Tar Heels in college. There could be added pressure to go after Crumpler now that defending NFC South champion Tampa Bay has said they plan to go after him.

All the reasons this makes sense:

• From Wilmington
• Julius Peppers' realest nigga, yo
• Wanted to play for Carolina originally before Shit Smear Land drafted him
• Could help teach Donte Rosario

All of those are reasons, of course, we won't sign him. We'll probably give Ayanbadejo a max contract instead or something ridiculous like that. Honestly, how does Hurney go to sleep when there's something so glaringly obvious sitting on the table. He probably hast to look at this a lot to relax himself.

Now, on to Moose. Oh Moose, the good old days...

LOL, look at Eugene Wilson eating shit there. Boy, that's prophetic.

Muhammad, cut by Chicago, spent seven seasons with Carolina and still owns a home in Charlotte and has ties to the area and still runs some charitable organizations here.

Listen, is Moose fast anymore? No. Is he particularly good? Not really. Did he only have three really good seasons in Carolina? Kinda.

Do I still want the guy I cheered for as a kid back on the team? Abso-fuckin-lutely.

He can block, he can occasionally catch something, he's not Keary Colbert, and Jake Delhomme loves him. Hell, Steve Smith loves him. Fuck, all of Charlotte loves him! He also had the best United Way commercial ever and of course it's not on youtube but it was just him painting a wall with a bunch of kids and the announcer says, "This is Muhsin Muhammad, the greatest receiver ever" then Moose turns around like "yeah you know" and winks.

It was fucking awesome.

Carrpocalypse Now

I've seen the quarterback horror. Quarterback horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a troll. You have no right to call me a troll. You have a right to flame me. You have a right to do that, but you have no right to judge me . It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what quarterback horror means. Quarterback horror. Quaterback horror has a face, and you must make a friend of horror.

Quarterback horror and mortal terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies.

I remember when it was the Super Bowl team--it seems a thousand centuries ago--we went into Atlanta to inoculate it. The children. We left the city after we had inoculated the children for rap music, and this old man came running after us, and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went there, and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile--a pile of little arms. And I remember...I...I...I cried, I wept like Terrell Owens. I wanted to tear my teeth out, I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it, I never want to forget. And then I realized--like I was shot...like I was shot with a diamond...a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought, "My God, the genius of that, the genius, the will to do that." Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they could stand that--these were not monsters, these were Atlanta Falcons fans, trained cadres, these men who fought with their hearts, who have families, who have children, who are filled with ghetto musick--that they had this strength, the strength to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men, then our troubles with David Carr would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral and at the same time were able to utilize their primordial instincts to cheer without feeling, without passion, without judgment--without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us.

Get Alge Crumpler on the phone right goddamn now.

Alge Crumpler has been released by the Atlanta Falcons in a move that can only be seen as an attempt to drive every one of their fans away to ease the move to Los Angeles.

You know exactly what I'm thinking.

• The Panthers have young talent at TE that need a mentor? Check.
• Alge is in the twilight of his career but could still produce? Check
• He'd like an attempt to stick it to his old team twice a year? Check
• North Carolina product? Check
• May take a "home team" discount? c'est possible!

Honestly what do the Panthers have to lose? If he's cheap, fucking do it. Don't tell me this wasn't in your plan, Hurney. You know better than anyone every other team has to be ready to pounce on the unthinkable mistakes of the Atlanta Falcons. Call his fucking ass right now and lay it out just like I did. Hell, he can wear the blessed 85 if he wants.

Just when I thought that I was out, THEY PULL ME BACK IN

Why you may ask?

Well, PFT (a bunch of fags to be honest) has reported that Travelle Wharton's deal is worth 6 million a year with 19 million in guaranteed money up front.

A league source tells us that the six-year deal to which Panthers left tackle Travelle Wharton agreed on Thursday has an average value of $6 million per year.

It's presently unclear, however, whether the bulk of the money is in the back end of the contract, and the amount of guaranteed money is unknown.

Wharton would have become an unrestricted free agent on February 29.

The deal appears to be a good one, but the going rate in free agency for starting-caliber offensive linemen has been seven years, $49 million.

UPDATE: Adam Schefter of NFL Network reports that Wharton will receive $12 million in guaranteed money, and $19 million over the first three years of the deal.

Yeah well a league source tells me you're still a cock smoking ass pirate, Florio, but whatever. Usually he's embarrassingly wrong about the Panthers (Steve Smith faking injuries to get more money ring a bell?) but Adam "why isn't there cock in my mouth" Shefter has backed it up so I guess it's legit.

Fuck.

But then God has give me this beam of light to make me stop thinking about how badly the Panthers just overpaid for another mediocre offensive lineman! Per rotoworld...

ESPN's Pat Yasinkas reports the Panthers are shopping DeShaun Foster.

Yasinkas used to cover the Panthers' beat, so he has the inside track on any team developments. With a $5.8 million cap number, other clubs likely know Foster will eventually be released if Carolina can't find a taker. Foster played poorly last year, averaging just 3.5 yards per carry and losing five fumbles. A team inquiring would have to restructure his contract.

Oh. My. God.

Hey. Hey Deshaun. Hey Deshaun, you listening?

Do you know what that sound is? THATS THE SOUND OF YOU NOT RUINING MY LIFE ANYMORE!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY EXPRESS MY JOY RIGHT NOW!!!



I'm not sure what we can possibly get for you. I don't know if the NFL allows trades between football teams and the Hop Scotch League of America. I don't give a shit if someone gives us a bag of magic beans. I want you off the team. I want the Age of DeAngelo to begin. I want you to never see Bank of America again.

Oh

my

god

Hurney: You almost had my respect you faggot

I was about to write an article about this man.

It was going to start out as an APB for Marty Hurney, since all the moves the Pathers have made so far have been incredible. Damion Lewis, the cuts of Morgan and Wahle, the extension of Harris: all of these moves were incredible and had to be done.

The article was going to talk about Hurney's last known location (sucking Richardson's cock), describe him (old and lame), and probably make a reference to his old job as Redskins beat reporter.

But just as I came here to write that, I saw that he locked up Travelle Wharton.

The numbers aren't in yet, but they will be shortly. I'm going to pray they signed him for LG money, and not LT money. Please let him be moving to replace Wahle. Please don't tell me this shit sucker is going to be playing tackle again.

I just had a lot of wine because it's Valentine's Day and I took my girlfriend on a picnic so I'm going to pass out and pray when I wake up this will all be gone.

Scott Fowler: A twat with no insight

My god this isn't what I wanted to wake up to this morning.

Why? Why god why? Why in the christ would anyone put these two people in the same picture? What unhuman monster thought this was appropriate? I feel sick and want to go hide. It's like taking a picture of Stalin and Hitler, naked, and putting them together. Die Scott Fowler. Die.

Oh, he also wrote an article.

The Carolina Panthers are a balky car that needs a ton of work.

Fortunately, there's a great repair shop located in NFL land. It's called free agency, it opens Feb. 29 and it can get you where you want to go.

The tricky thing about this repair shop, though, is you have to know what's wrong with your car in the first place. This repair shop doesn't diagnose. The driver must know what he wants.

Walt Whitman he is not. Scott, two players just got released. One was a first round draft pick from 2001. The other was a huge free agent signing in 2005 that really didn't work out. There is enough potential here to write for weeks. Get Morgan or Wahle for an interview. Get their thoughts on things. Write about how this reflects poor choices in the front office (Spoon over Morgan, overpaying for Wahle). Write about where the Panthers go from here.

Don't write some gay extended metaphor about free agency you twat shit!

Coach John Fox and general manager Marty Hurney are driving the Panthers' car. For the past six seasons, they have kept it at 54 mph in all 55-mph speed zones. You can't be too careful.

Even blind gay men are screaming "JESUS CHRIST?!?"

Sportswriters are great backseat drivers.

I wish you'd backseat wrap your car around a tree, Scott.

After he recapped some things everyone knew and reached their same conclusions, he decided to suggest what the Panthers should do:

Then the Panthers should grab a power back to share the load with DeAngelo Williams. My No. 1 choice? San Diego's Michael Turner.

Turner turns 26 today. He is stuck behind LaDainian Tomlinson with the Chargers, but he's a 5-foot-10, 237-pounder with 4.4-second speed in the 40-yard dash. He could be the Stephen Davis of 2003 here. Turner has averaged 5.5 yards per carry in limited work in San Diego. Someone will make him very rich in free agency. Why not the Panthers?

Yes Scott, in the best running back draft the NFL has ever had, the Panthers should blow all their cap space on a guy who has been taking advantage of tired defenses who have had to chase down LdT all game. I'm sure he'd transition perfectly to a team without an offensive line. Wow, you sure are smart!

I bet Scott is a nice guy. He is probably fun to be around and enjoys his job. However, he clearly doesn't follow the NFL or the draft or college football. He doesn't care enough to get an interview. Judging by this article, he has no shame.

God.

Dan Morgan cut before he dies on the field, Wahle looking for work

Oh glorious day.

The Panthers have started the offseason, releasing LB Dan Morgan and LG Mike Wahle. No real surprise.

(Update: 5:45 p.m.) Both are going down as post-June 1 designated cuts, meaning they can spread the cap hit over the next two years. Quick math shows a net salary cap savings of around $2.2 million for Morgan and $1.1 million for Wahle. More room could come later with more releases.

Let me talk about Wahle first. I really don't feel bad at all about losing Wahle. He was a huge free agent signing who got to the pro bowl just because Packers fans are insane. He's been decaying since he got here and was constantly injured. If he plays next year he'll probably just fall apart on the field, or explode. Frankly whoever we put in there at his position, in terms of cost/production, will be an upgrade. This also frees up the Panthers to do their favorite thing: overpay for some overrated piece of shit lineman with 1 year left in the off season. You might as well just buy a house in Charlotte, Allen Faneca.

Dan Morgan is a little bit different. I feel something in my chest. It may be sorrow, or sadness. It may be a heart attack. Either way I'm not sure I like it.

Let's go back over the history of Dan Morgan for a moment.

His first season was 2001, and he was part of that epic George Seifert draft that Fox used to get to the Super Bowl in 2003. He went one, Jenkins went two, Smith went three. He came out and quickly set the tune for how his career would go. On a field ripped up by a Rolling Stones concert, he got stiff armed into oblivion by Brett Favre and shattered his leg.

The next year, 2002, he managed to play in 8 hole games, make 54 tackles, and get a sports hernia and send his shoulder into hell.

2003 was his banner year. He stayed healthy for 11 regular season games, raped everything he saw in the playoffs, and had 20 tackles in the Super Bowl. He was a fucking monster.

2004 was the beginning of his concussion fun. 2005 he was relatively healthy and proved to the front office that ten games of Dan Morgan was worth more than 16 from Will Witherspoon, a decision that is painful to think about. I literally wake up screaming in a cold sweat thinking about that mistake. It was like the Panthers raped themselves. They didn't even need Washington this time.

2005 and 2006 were just atrocious. If it weren't for Jon Beason the Superior it would have been a disaster in 2006. The bottom line is he can't be counted on anymore.

I'm going to break shtick for a second here. In all seriousness, Dan Morgan may be the best linebacker the Panthers have ever had. He was a once in a generation type talent; the kind of guy that could read defenses before some of the players on the other side of the ball knew the play. He was a natural leader and a phenomenal athlete. When he was healthy he couldn't be stopped. He made everyone else around him better.

He also set the team back because of his health. Since they committed to him, they overpaid for that fat sack of shit Kemo'eatu because for some reason they thought what they needed was a huge DT. He still got hurt and Kemo sucks. He was the reason they lost Will Witherspoon to the fucking cock sucking Rams. When he went out it set the defense back at least three games while they adjusted.

It's sad to see him go, but it's a move the Panthers had to make. Even if he played for nothing, he's blocking the development of younger players. No longer can he stand in the way of the Adam Seward Spectacle, or the Tim Shaw Variety Hour. I'd love to see him in a coaching capacity. Just as long as they keep him out of the training room I don't see a down side.

Farewell you goofy looking fucker. You will be missed.

And if you go to New England and play a full season I will fucking murder you.

Jake Delhomme has undiagnosed brain damage

Now I'm not doctor (but an amateur gynocologist BOOYAH see what I did there) but I'm starting to think Jake Delhomme may have less of a hurt shoulder and more of a Dan Morgan syndrome. Per Darin Gantt:

"I truly believe Dwayne Jarrett's going to be a big help to us this year," Delhomme said. "He's got the ability, that's easy to see, and last year was honestly a redshirt year for him. He's still young, and he's still learning and getting better.

"He's going to know I'm expecting big things from him, and I have no doubt he's going to come to play this year, to show what he can do."

Yeah I'll hold my breath for that prima donna shit from USC to grow a pair and play NFL football. The Panthers have been burned by USC so many times they should send them a medical bill. I can't wait to see Jarrett shorting arming catches over the middle or letting the corner run right by him when he has to block.

On another note Dwayne Jarrett has a website for some reason filled with quotes about him said...by him.
“That Oklahoma guy that thought the only guy we had on the team was Reggie? ... I guess he's kind of eating his words right now.”
- Dwayne Jarrett quote.

Adam Schefter: Panthers making ripples already in free agency

Per Adam Schefter of the NFLN, the Panthers have extended Damion Lewis' contract by three years. Adam is fed information by the NFL powers that be, so he's usually pretty reliable, unless it's a story concerning Al Davis because the crazy old bastard will intentionally do the opposite of whatever Schefter says just to fuck with him.

Damion Lewis is basically a pass rushing DT. He's kinda useless on running plays because he's about as big as a fire hydrant, but he plays hard and genuinely seems to care out there, which is more than you can say about most of the people on the team.

Pat Yasinskas: Blatant Panthers Bias ftw

Pat Yasinskas, until very recently, was a kinda mediocre journalist who covered the Carolina Panthers. I know saying a journalist covering the Panthers is kinda redundant, but bare with me. In the face of Atlanta Falcons shill Len Pasquarelli's declining health, the faggots at ESPN decided they needed a new voice for that potential rich (read: apathetic) area of North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia.

For some reason they tagged Charlotte Observer writer Pat Yasinskas.

At first I thought this was good just because he wouldn't be covering the Panthers any more. However, not only has his writing improved, but he's mentioning the Panthers a lot. His last two articles have contained more Panthers references than the last 2 years of ESPN. Let's take a look!

In this article, he talks about letting go of franchise players, the affect it has on the team, and whether or not it was a good move. He describes 5 "hugely popular" veteran players and spouts of 3 surefire and one probably hall of famer: Joe Montana, John Lynch, Emitt Smith, and Drew Bledsoe. Then the fuck out of nowhere...

4. Steve Beuerlein: He was an ordinary quarterback throughout a long career. But Beuerlein seemed to find a home with Carolina late in his career. He threw for 4,436 yards and made the Pro Bowl in the 1999 season. He followed that up with another solid season. But then, coach George Seifert single-handedly (and against the wishes of management and other members of the coaching staff) stunningly cut Beuerlein, who was well on his way to becoming one of the most popular players in Carolina's brief history.

Now, yes, Steve Beuerlein did have one of the best statistical years ever for a QB (4500 yds, 37 TDs, 17 yards a completion nigga!) but does he really belong on the same list as these guys? I mean, sure, anyone could have rushed for a thousand yards behind that Dallas line, and after Monk got in after a career of being average Bledsoe is almost assured entry, but Steve Beurlein? I could get used to this kind of blatant Panther love. It's about time someone talked about us meaninglessly! Maybe if we're lucky we can get on the same level as Brady's cock or Romo's trip to Mexico.

We even get a conclusion.

The verdict: Ultimately, cutting Beuerlein ended Seifert's coaching career (he had the NFL's all-time best winning percentage when he came to Carolina). Inexplicably, Seifert decided career backup Jeff Lewis, who had never done much of anything, was ready to start. Seifert was incredibly wrong. Lewis was physically and emotionally battered in the 2001 preseason. After throwing three interceptions in a five-minute span in an exhibition at Baltimore, Seifert realized his mistake and cut Lewis. But it was too late. Seifert had to turn to rookie Chris Weinke, and the Panthers went 1-15. Seifert was fired after the season and has rarely been heard from since.

Oh my god yes. Jeff fucking Lewis, was a terrible failure. Sometimes I wake up screaming in the middle of the night thinking of Jeff Lewis. If there's anything the Redskins have taught us, it's to never make a trade with Denver. Somehow, someway, you'll get fucking fleeced.

Look at this picture: Chris Weinke and Jeff Lewis. Is it capable to fit more failure into one picture?

His next article? All about the Panthers! And surprise of surprises, he's right about most of it!

It didn't cost the Panthers much financially to keep Minter, Rucker and Morgan last spring because all three players took massive salary cuts. But those moves cost the Panthers plenty in other ways. With Minter still on the roster, the Panthers pretty much ignored the safety position in free agency and the draft. They did the same thing at defensive end, even though Rucker was coming off major knee surgery at the end of the 2006 season.

Minter didn't even make it through training camp. Aching knees forced him to retire in August and the Panthers had to go out and trade for Chris Harris. Rucker made it through camp and through the season, but clearly wasn't the player he once was.

Holy shit, it's like Pat is channeling me through these articles. The guy who was once reluctant to criticize the Panthers in any way, shape, and form, just fired a salvo across Jerry Richardson's face! Take that old man! Pat won't listen to your bed time decrees! It's straight talk express time baby, except without some crazy ex-POW vowing to preemptively nuke Middle East countries.

Keeping the star-crossed Morgan and his untapped potential around no longer makes sense on any level. Jon Beason, who is what a healthy Morgan was supposed to be, is not far from being a Pro Bowler. Beason's going to be in the middle of Carolina's defense for the next eight or 10 years, the team recently signed weakside linebacker Na'il Diggs to a contract extension and strongside linebacker Thomas Davis is growing into his enormous physical skills. Even if Morgan was healthy and on the roster, the Panthers might not be able to squeeze him onto the field.

Hey, where the fuck was this when the Panthers were daring Will Witherspoon to test the free agent market? Why grow balls now? I mean, I guess it's better late than never, but we needed this kind of clearheaded thinking back when the Panthers were busy driving their defense into the ground.

Here's a picture of Dan Morgan about to get injured. Of course, every picture of Dan Morgan is him about to get injured

But what happened to the Panthers with Minter last season should serve as a reminder as the team makes decisions about Morgan and Rucker. It's nice to honor your past, but you can't let it block the future.

And he ends with a definitive statement. this isn't your dad's Pat Yasinskas boys and girls. He's ready to actually, you know, cover the team.

Welcome to a club populated by you, Darin Gantt, and Steve Reed. Punch and pie are in the back.

Hurney: Patriots didn't need to cheat to beat us

Following the Patriots thorough raping by Osi Umenyiora (who likes to shit on girls) and his band of Merry Negros, everyone is calling the Pats out on their cheating ways.

The latest is fucking Kurt Warner, who I'm shocked is alive every single time he comes up. He's probably just looking for something to distract himself from his monster of a wife, but whatever fucks with the Pats I'm happy about.

But for peace of mind, the two-time MVP wants the league to investigate reports that the Patriots might have benefited from a videotape of the Rams' final practice before that Super Bowl six years ago.

Not to be outdone... well, no, I wish Hurney would have just gone frog shit hopping insane and started throwing random accusations at the Patriots but instead he took the boring "classy" route and said:

"We certainly have never gotten any indications of that," Panthers’ general manager Marty Hurney said Saturday. "That’s all you can go by. Nobody has ever brought anything like that to our attention. You’re very careful not to jump to any conclusions on anything."

"Nobody has ever brought anything like that to our attention."

So this doesn't mean it didn't happen. It just doesn't mean that someone has distracted Hurney from his juice cup long enough to inform him of it. The Patriots somehow used their mind lasers to force Kasay's kick out of bounds. I'm convinced.

That sound you hear is me screaming "Fuck!"

The Charlotte Observer has managed to ruin my week already with this article about Mike Rucker deciding that he still has something left in the tank.

Defensive end Mike Rucker is coming back, but he's not sure whether it will be with the Carolina Panthers.

Rucker's agent, Peter Schaffer, said Sunday that Rucker decided during their meetings in Phoenix this week to return for another season.

I guess Mike was inspired after watching the Giants do what the Panthers failed to do back in 2003. Hey Ruck, guess what? If you guys and your "vaunted" defensive line had managed to even sniff Tom Brady in that game, you probably would have gotten your ring and you grace us with a quiet dissolve into anonymity.

There had been speculation that Rucker might retire.

There was no fucking speculation! It was a goddamn foregone conclusion. He was utterly useless last year.

"Mike is fired up, motivated and looking forward to continuing his career," Schaffer said. "It's 100 percent."

100 percent hasn't applied to Mike Rucker in three years. He may think he's at one hundred, but really, he's about 63 percent of a player out there.

Listen, I love Mike Rucker. I do. He has been the model of consistency (read: slightly better than average) his entire career. He's been a leader on and off the field and probably deserves a statue once he retires. Give him and Minter one together. Whatever.

He has nothing left. At all. Some Rucker defenders out there will claim his bad season was due to Peppers vanishing on his herpes medication. If a player's productivity is contingent to the productivity of another (ie getting good matchups) then he's not much of a player at all. 2002 - 2006 could make ANYONE look good at defensive tackle.

The worst part about this is Fox is going to push for him to be resigned. Instead of turning the defense over to capable, vocal, desiring young players (Beason, Harris) he's going to keep Rucker in the way; a fucking useless albatross who instead of getting his players pumped up quotes them bible passages.

Tell me what pumps you up more. This?



Or this?



Oh well.

Welcome back Mike. I look forward to your "veteran presence." Maybe if we're lucky you'll get signed by the Patriots instead. They seem to like player well past their prime that can't make a tackle one on one.

Jon Beason: I gots to get paid, yo.

After realizing he's the best thing the Panthers have, Jon Beason has decided to insure he gets paid like it.

In a bit of news that's far more concerning to fans than team administration, there's a new Drew Rosenhaus client here.

Linebacker Jon Beason recently signed on with the super-agent, whose aggressive style has generated many critics. The Panthers have never been among them, as Rosenhaus is viewed as a straightforward negotiator, who can get big deals done quickly.

It'll be some time before Rosenhaus comes into play for Beason, anyway, since he's just one year into his five-year rookie deal. Beason was originally represented by agent Michael Huyghue, who is no longer certified by the NFLPA. Huyghue is getting out of the business to concentrate on his new job, as the commissioner of the fledgling UFL.

It's hardly a surprise Beason chose Rosenhaus, as the agent has a solid foothold with University of Miami players, including Beason's pal, workout partner and for-now teammate Dan Morgan.

When asked for comment, Jon Beason was quoted as saying, "Dolla dolla bills, ya'll."

Panthers survey: How Satisfied are YOU with mediocrity?

If you're a PSL owner like me* then you recently received the biggest fucking survey from the Panthers you've ever taken in your life. Seriously, this is like one of those personality tests that somehow predict how many times a day you masturbate. I kept waiting for it to tell me at the end that I was actually a pedophile and didn't know it.

*my dad's

For those of you that aren't PSL owners (smart move on your part) here are some of the lowlights from what you won't miss.

Yeah, the thing I love about PSLs is that I am guaranteed access to the playoffs every year! How did they read my mind like that? There's nothing like knowing after shelling out six thousand bucks I am promised a spot in the playoffs and a home game. Wow.

I guess they mean guaranteed to be paying for them every year because that's about the only consistent thing. Maybe if PSLs insured you, like, Patriots playoff tickets this would be valid.

Oh look, Jerry is worried about his image.

Well, one thing you'll never be able to say about the Panthers is that their players misbehave off the field or that the stadium is too rowdy.

another thing you'll never be able to say is that the team has too much intensity and that BoA Stadium is a scary place for opposing teams to play. I swear to God, I've seen practice fields rowdier than Bank of America. When the Eagles are in training camp and a receiver drops a pass, they fucking have to break out riot police. Here we're lucky if anyone sitting between the twenties even notices there's a game going on.

What the fuck is positive attitude of fans? What the hell is there to be positive about!?

"Yes, David Carr didn't throw a pick! Bro Hugs for everyone!"

There are two that really stick out here.

First, season tickets are a great resource for entertaining clients, especially if they're cheering for another team! Nothing seals a deal like bringing them in to an opposing stadium and watching them upset the home team. You can't put a price tag on that kind of value.

Speaking of value, that Panthers are a terrible value. Yes, I know, you don't buy tickets to see wins; you buy them to see a team. Whether or not they win or lose isn't included in the price tag (as evidenced by steadily climbing ticket prices). But owning Panthers PSLs is like buying a cake that turns out to be made of, like, asian people. I mean yeah it's a cake and all but it's probably not going to taste very good and not really resemble what you'd think a cake would look like.

I'm not sure Jerry Richardson could be more worried about positive image if he tried.

Who the fuck gives a shit about performance enhancing drugs? Jake Delhomme is coming off a surgery that generally adds speed to a pitch in baseball; should that be banned? Would the fans care if the team was still performing? Does anyone remember Julius Peppers got busted for testing positive? Or Shawn Merriman? Or Rodney Harrison?

And my god, who the fuck goes to football games if they are concerned about rowdy language? This isn't fucking tennis. Nelson, a fat guy who sits in my section and regularly smuggles in ziploc bags full of pulled pork and buns to make sandwiches, told me my first dirty joke when I was ten in Clemson.

"Hey PotatoJuiceYeah, what do Michael Jackson and JC Penny's have in common? They both have little boy's pants half off."

I looked to my dad to see if it was alright I just heard this and he just laughed. There is a time and a place to shelter your child from the harsh realities of the world. A football game is not one of them. And besides, a couple of times watching the Panthers live will strip away any hopes and dreams a budding young misanthrope might have.

And why the fuck are they worried about making it family friendly anyway? It's not as if children can pay for their 12 dollar beers.

Of course I would recommend season tickets now. You should always buy low. Right now the Panthers are a fucking Eastern European country, the Wall just fell, and you're the rich oil baron buying up shit left and right. Soon, you too will own an EPL soccer team.

I just wanted everyone to know that I suffer more than you for this

I think this is one thing we can all agree on. No more Jazzercise. No more 8 year old girls dancing. They are allowed to do three things:

1. Mascot Bowl
2. Frisbee Dogs
3. Pop Warner game

And you fucking rotate that.

Even better, get like one hundred frisbee dogs and one hundred automated frisbee launchers and just let that shit fly.