Julius Peppers, John Fox: Get the hell out

I seriously hate when the Panthers do well. It confuses me.

If you're like me, you understand that the Panthers are never going to do anything under John Fox. They're way too milquetoast, they never have any emotion, they don't show up to play every week, and their playcalling is pedestrian. They don't blitz, they don't have an identity, and they don't do anything particularly well. About seven times a year, at the end of the game, you look around, clean up the carnage, and wonder how the Panthers A.) won that game and somehow simultaneous B.) missed the playoffs again.

And then a game like this happens.

Seriously, this guy came in.


He dates this.


We should have lost by thirty. This was the best offense in the NFL. Drew Brees was living in the Matrix. The Panthers had previously been torn up by Jeff Garcia and Gus Frerotte, a guy that almost killed himself celebrating a touchdown. Their defense had just shut down the best runnign back in the NFL. The only reason they'd lost was stupid mistakes that the Panthers surely weren't going to force them to make.

And then we went and win by twenty three.

These are the games where Jake Delhomme is unconscious. These are the games when Julius Peppers actually shows up to play. When the defense actually causes havoc at the point of attack. Where our corners react well enough to make up for their mandatory 10 yard cushion on receivers. These are the games that give you hope.

lol hope that works out for you.

Panthers see Jeff Garcia, present quivering asshole

This is Jeff Garcia. He is the quarterback of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He has also been the QB of the San Francisco 49ers, Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, and Philadelphia Eagles. This is his wife.


She's, of course, a Playboy model with what I'm sure is a fantastic personality. It would seem that Jeff, with a few years rotting in rust belt shit holes, is leading the perfect life. Of course, there's one thing that needs to be mentioned.

Jeff Garcia is gayer than a stack of strawberry pancakes. He's gayer than a three dollar bill. There's nothing wrong with this, of course. Being gay rocks, especially if you're a football player. It'd be like being a lesbian cheerleader. I appreciate the gay contributions to the civil structure. I've often had desert, or wondered where best to place a piece of furniture, or flipped past VH1. However, Jeff Garcia's homosexuality effects me directly, because he has an insatiable appetite for rape, and what he likes to rape are innocent, helpless Panthers.

I should have known the Panthers were going to shit the bed as soon as they named Garcia the starter over Griese, but I held out hope because, well, I'm a fucking sap.

Everyone not named Steve Smith looked god damn awful. The special teams was shit as always, no one could run, blocking was an afterthought, and that little shit midget Warrick Dunn squirted all over the field like a loose one on your socks. Jeff Garcia was able to hit all of his no name receivers wide open in the flat all day, and Jake was just spraying and praying. John Fox had the look of a guy staring down the firing squad with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. It's amazing how a guy that can make Herm Edwards look so inept can turn around a week later and be made to look just the same by a guy who strongly resembles Chucky.

It was an embarrassing display of how not to play football. An emotionless, listless, uninspiring bag of dick.

So basically it's just like every other Panther game

Rhys Lloyd pisses excellence

This is Rhys Lloyd. As you can see, Rhys Lloyd isn't the most athletic tool in the shed. He has a less developed chest than Keira Knightly, his jersey doesn't even fit, and his gut hangs over his belt. Add on to that he looks like someone who'd be starting racist chants at a Manchester United game. He's never fully shaved, a careless cigarette flick could set his hair on fire, and if you listen carefully after kickoffs, you can hear him mutter under his breath "fookin cunts" while he takes a swig from a carefully concealed flask.

All that said, he's a fucking god amongst men for the five or six times he gets to go out there during a game and flex the majesty of that leg of his. He's 11th in total kickoffs, 7 behind the league leader, but is tied for first with Matt Prater with 11 touch backs. Keep in mind that Prater is a Bronco, which means he gets to kick in the fucking stratosphere. I could trip and tumble into the ball and send it 40 yards at Mile High. Not only that, he jumps around like Eurotrash whenever he gets a touchback and they play that Olay, olay olay olay song.

And as a world traveller, yes, Soccer generally is that gay.

I tried to find a video of him and this came up, so I'm just assuming this is him.



Some other fun facts you may not have known about Rhys Lloyd.

• Nigel "The Leg" Gruff from The Replacements was loosely based on Lloyd's life. They even tracked down an actor named Rhys to play him.
• His team mates called him "Winston Churchill" who was pretty cool and defeated the Nazis
  
• He went to Minnesota.
  
• Wait never mind there's nothing fun about Minnesota.
• According to this article, he's only kicking at like 80 percent. Will we ever get to see him go all out? Maybe, in the future, when the planet needs him.....
  

Well I guess I'll start this shit again.

Well I guess I should start doing this again. I got caught up in the whole going to school and getting a degree and going to paris and doing drugs thing but now i guess i'll do this since I've got absolutely nothing else to do.

That reminds me, if you know of where I can work in nyc that doesn't involve flipping burgers or pouring coffee I'd love to know.

Anyhoo, I'll spare you a recap of the offseason and the Steve Smith beat down because I'm sure you're completely over it. I'll be liveblogging, i mean drinking, at the game tomorrow. I guess I'm going to list a few things I, personally, am going to be watching as our beloved Panthers go up against Jim Sorgi and a shit ton of bench warmers.

Just how bad can Jake Delhomme look?


- With his surgically repaired elbow, Steve Smith, and the return of his real favorite target in Muhsin Muhammad, the REAL question is just how many times can Jake overthrow the ball. Jake has an uncanny ability to either chuck the ball ten yards out of bounds or three hop it to wide open receivers in the flats. With his new elbow, we'll have to see how long it takes him to adjust and return to his normal levels of mediocrity.

Just how many of our major acquisitions can miss this game?


- It wouldn't be a Panthers season without spending a bunch of free agency money and draft picks on players who don't really care to see the field. This year it seems we really outdid ourselves, signing a WR who couldn't stay healthy enough to play badminton and drafting a running back that everyone knew wasn't ready to play.

Wanna know how serious this is?

1. Ian Scott - out
2. Charles Spencer - out
3. Labrandon toefield - out
4. Darwin Walker - out
5. Johnathan Stewart - out
6. DJ Hackett - out

On top of that, Beason, Gamble, Lucas (lol), and Harris are all out, so essentially all our best players, and by best I mean the only ones worth a shit. Basically we'll be lucky enough to see Sorgi do his Peyton Manning impression, watch Jake throw a pathetic interception, and then see studs like Travis Taylor and Ricardo Colclough shit all over the field. CAN'T WAIT!

Exactly how lame will the new Panthers on the sideline look like?


- A random panther fan from alaska took time away from cooking meth in his mom's trailer to harass Jerry Richardson into putting a couple of Panther heads on the field at some point. I'm not sure what he thinks this would accomplish but I'm certain the effort could have been spent much better, like by begging Jerry to never let his son touch the team, or to hire a competent coaching staff.

The question to me is just how much Jerry is going to blow off this hick from a former Russian colony. I'm hoping for as big a slap into his face as possible, like telling him the heads are unfortunately under the tarp or something like that.

How expensive will the beer be?


- Early vegas line is at 8.50 a beer. Keep in mind in Paris a bottle of wine that's 15% ABV costs less than a bottle of water, and yet here we are paying out the nose for what's essentially yellow water.

I'm sure some other things will happen but who fucking cares. Fox will probably run all of the plays he has to win a meaningless game because he cares about these things. Someone will most likely blow out their knee and Carolina's spiral into 6 wins will begin again.

Oh well, go Panthers!

Mike Florio: Is there anyone worse?

This chromosome-heavy man child is Mike Florio, editor of ProFootballTalk. And when I say editor, I mean cook, because essentially all he does is throw wet noodles at the wall and try to decipher what they mean. Keep in mind, Florio is the one who two years ago claimed Steve Smith was faking an injury to get a better contract.

Well, when he's not pulling shit out of thing air, he's doing something worse; trying to analyze teams. This guy is a Washington fan, so obviously he knows nothing about the sport, and we should just all be grateful we don't have to deal with his Redskins' inferiority complex.

Anyhoo, he predicts the Panthers as one of six teams that will FAIL in 2008, which I agree with because Carolina is terrible and has no defensive line. However, that simple reason wasn't good enough for Mike, possibly because his Ouija board disagreed.

Once again, the Panthers look solid on paper, especially with a pair of first-round picks in running back Jonathan Stewart and offensive tackle Jeff Otah. But Carolina GM Marty Hurney still hasn’t done anything to establish a receiving threat across from Steve Smith or provide depth at quarterback behind Jake Delhomme, whose star is in danger of burning out for good.

Whhhaaaaaaatttttttt the fuck? Didn't establish a receiving corps opposite Steve Smith? Let's talk about a couple of things here Mike Florio. Firstly, Muhsin Muhammad and DJ Hackett are football players. Football players that play wide receiver. Football players that play wide receiver that the Panthers signed in the off season to play wide receiver. Instead of not addressing it like you seem to think happened, they went out and got two of the best options that were on the market.

Also keep in mind that when Steve Smith won the triple crown for receiving in 2005, you know who his receiving corp was?


Keary Fucking Colbert was on the other side of the field. A guy the Panthers instructed they wouldn't resign. The second leading receiver on the team that year was Deshaun Foster, a running back. So even if Mike somehow didn't notice that the Panthers had brought in two pretty good receivers, it doesn't really even matter since Steve Smith has been doing it his entire career without any help.

Then he brings up the Quarterback issue, and as we all know, there is a backup QB on this team, almost certainly the QB of the future, and he has balls made of steel and a heart made of the finest whiskey.

But why should Mike Florio know anything about Matt Moore? After all, he's got a shitty SEC quarterback and 49 year old Todd Collins, neither of which could beat Seattle which is something Matt Moore proved very doable.

Erection status: throbbing

I think it's pretty well known for the eight or nine people that read this blog that I'm a pretty big fan of Matt Moore. Well, check out this little blurb from the Charlotte Observer.

The play looked like a bust. Chased by defenders, Matt Moore scrambled to his left and threw across his body while on the run.

About 30 yards downfield, receiver Ryne Robinson made a diving catch in the corner of the end zone.

Touchdown.

What you fools don't realize is this is Matt Moore like every day. He's all like, "Hm, what am I going to to today? Oh yeah, throw touchdown passes. Get over here, bitches."

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.

Apparently Jake Delhomme is not only recovering ahead of schedule, but his arm is stronger than before.

Delhomme’s right arm didn’t seem to bother him at all during the three-day minicamp which concluded Sunday, leaving coach John Fox feeling optimistic that he won’t have any problems this season.

“He’s looked very, very good,” Fox said. “His arm looks stronger than it has ever looked.”

Delhomme said he was “extremely pleased” with how things went this weekend.

“Things are going well,” he said. “We're on a good program right now and things are on the right course.”

If you go here, you can even see him throwing.

What this means, of course, is now he'll be able to over throw Steve Smith instead of chucking up a wounded duck that barely gets to the receiver. Now the safety will have to pick him off instead of the corner playing zone.

The draft that could have been.

With their first pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers select, Chris Williams, Offensive Tackle, Vanderbilt.

With their second pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers select, Trevor Laws, Defensive Tackle, Notre Dame.
LATER THAT DAY.....

Pat Yasinskas: Coach! Coach! Tell us about the draft!

Fox: Well, I mean, it is what it is. We went into the draft wanting to address our line play, and I think we did that.

Tom Sorensen Coach, tell us, was it hard to pass on Joe Flacco, or moving up to take Ryan?

Fox: You're a fucking dumbass.

Steve Reed: Tell us about Chris Williams

Fox: Well, we wanted to try taking important positions from good schools instead of, you know, grabbing the best player from Conference USA. They tell me this SEC has a lot of good players. I don't know, I'm too busy playing with puzzles on Saturday, but I trust my guys.

Darin Gantt: Then why did you draft a player from Notre Dame?

Fox: Well, they played Michigan.

Darin Gantt: So did Appalachian State.

All: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT APPALACHIAN STATE

Fox: I think a lot of what this off season was about was returning to 2003 form. And if you'll remember, back then, we had a guy named Brentson Buckner, who wasn't really that good, but he had a lot of intensity, and it showed. He could really get Peppers fired up. I'm not even sure Kemo speaks English, so, you know, we needed a guy that could tell Julius he was a vagina every other play.

Wojn.....: Tell us about grabbing Jonathan Stewart in the third.

Fox: Well, any time a player of that caliber drops that low, you have to grab him. Yes, there are some durability issues, especially since our doctors operated on him. I think that scared a lot of teams away. We are the ones who ruined Patrick Jeffers' career, after all.

I can't think of anyone else: Most important thing about this draft.

Fox: Well, I'm sure you all know we're on the hot seat here and probably won't be making the picks next year. We just wanted to be sure not to rock the boat, so to speak. It'd be kinda assholish of us to trade back into the first, sacrificing 2009 picks, and sabotaging the next coach, whoever that might be.

Draft round up round up.

This is rotoworld's Evan Silva. Keep in mind, rotoworld is a pretty big site as far as the BLOGOSPHERE goes. Which means it's small and insignificent. It's sponsored by NBC and has a partnership with that steaming back of shit Mike Florio. He probably never watches the Panthers. In fact, it doesn't look like this guy has ever watched football. He's most likely too busy buying Crocs or something. Anyway, he had this to say about the Panthers' draft

Carolina Panthers
Grade: B-

The Panthers have to like what they came away with (Jonathan Stewart and Jeff Otah) on day one, but giving up a 2009 first-round pick, a second-rounder, and a fourth-rounder was a bit much. Still, these players are pretty close to sure things and will help immediately. Third-round Iowa CB Charles Godfrey will convert to free safety. Penn State LB Dan Connor was a tremendous value in round three. Louisville TE Gary Barnidge could compete to start once he bulks up. Wisconsin's Nick Hayden is a try-hard defensive tackle.

I mean, not bad. Not terrible. He at least seems to understand what the Panthers gave up, and unlike the idiots on ESPN didn't think that Dan Conner was drafted to be a replacement to Dan Morgan. So this guy who is a contributing writer to what is basically the sports world equivalent of Barry Jive and the Uptown Five wrote this very satisfactory blurb about a team he doesn't cover. JUST REMEMBER THIS OKAY.

Let's see what ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in Sports, deferring to a guy who used to FUCKING COVER THE PANTHERS, has to say.

After taking a calm and conservative approach to personnel through their first six years, Carolina general manager Marty Hurney and coach John Fox took a big leap that could end up making or breaking them. After adding Oregon running back Stewart at No. 13, the Panthers traded back into the first round to pick up Otah.

The cost was huge: Carolina gave up its first-round pick in 2009 to Philadelphia as well as second- and fourth-round picks this year. It's always dicey when you sacrifice your future for the present. But hey, what do Fox and Hurney have to lose?

If Otah works out and the Panthers get to the playoffs, they'll look like geniuses. If not, they'll be gone and the lack of a first-round pick will be somebody else's problem next year.

Hmmm, no shit. Really went on on a limb there didn't you Pat. Maybe you should have talked about how they also drafted some more players in the third, or how they signed a wide receiver in the off season. I like Pat Yasinskas and all but dear god what he writes about the Panthers is repetitive.

1. State the obvious
2. End it ominously
3. Profit

Mel Kiper, official hair care product enthusiast, did his usual hand - job - athon where no one gets lower than a C-.

The future is now in Carolina, which gave up its first-round pick in 2009 to trade back into this year's first round and draft offensive tackle Jeff Otah. Jonathan Stewart is a workhorse running back and Dan Connor is a real nice pick in the third round. I like the Panthers' picks on Day 2, highlighted by Iowa CB Charles Godfrey, who I thought was the best player on the board heading into Day 2. Tight end Gary Barnidge, who they picked in the fifth round, catches everything thrown his way, although he is not much of a blocker. Hilee Taylor has a very good motor at OLB, Geoff Schwartz is an overachieving OL and G Mackenzy Bernadeau out of Bentley has a good chance to make the team. I didn't like seeing them give up a future first-round pick, and Stewart does have some durability concerns, but this was a good draft for the Panthers.

Meh. Hilee Taylor played defensive end at Carolina and I'm not sure Mel knows that the Panthers don't play a 3-4. I honestly doubt he does. A lot more of rehashing the same shit. Listen, every Panthers fan knows they gave up a lot, and any non fan reading that Panthers blurb most likely knows as well. Also Mel Kiper on Television called that random ass tight end Gary Barnidge the next Jay Novacek. Yeah, and I'm getting a blowjob from Natalie Portman as we speak.

Scott Fowler is working hard for the money.

If you pull one thread the wrong way on the upcoming season -- specifically, if Delhomme's throwing elbow doesn't recover or Julius Peppers remains Julius Average or the injury buzz saw starts whirring again -- it could unravel quickly. By next season, Fox and general manager Marty Hurney could be gone and Bill Cowher could be grumbling about the fact he doesn't have a 2009 first-round draft choice because Fox and Hurney traded it away Saturday.

Fowler didn't wait long to pull the Cowher card. Also, guys, if Jake gets hurt, we may not make the playoffs. That's right. A team may be hurt by losing its starting quarterback. Shocking, I know. Also look at this piece of hard hitting appeal to emotion.

Then again, Eric Shelton looked good on paper. So did Jason Peter, Dwayne Jarrett and Rae Carruth. The Panthers have made lousy and lovely picks throughout their history, but have never strung together quite enough good picks to win a Super Bowl.

Yeah, how did not John Fox and Marty Hurney not anticipate Rae Carruth's propensity for murdering pregnant girlfriends. Nevermind that Fox was still a coach with Oakland at the time and Hurney was a beat writer for the fucking Redskins.

Just trust me when I say that Tom Sorenesen's article was pure shit.

I'm going to end this on a quote from our new running back Jonathan Stewart.

I'm an explosive, powerful runner. I run north and south but mostly more north

Run any way you want, man.

Instead of drafting for need, the Panthers are drafting for candy

This Panthers' draft has kinda like been playing Russian Roulette. We're just hoping that the BPA available actually fits a need and if not lets just pull the trigger and hope there's an empty space later.

I'm using this simile because I couldn't find a picture of two thousand dollar rims on a pinto.

What in the blue fuck are they thinking here? Okay, they actually grab a safety at the top of the third. That's nice. Charles Godfrey is built like a brick shit house and is fast enough to play behind Chris Harris. And then here comes Pat Sims, a giant motherfucker from Auburn.

Jesus Christ this mother fucker is as big as a house! And he's so awesome men try to grab his junk during the game.

Anyway we decided to pass on him, a need, a good player, for......Dan Conner? A shit head from Penn State? Why the fuck do we need a linebacker? We've got eleven of them! We addressed that in the off season?! You stupid bastards, just because the third is on the second day now doesn't mean THIS ISN'T THE THIRD ROUND.

This team is going to be 7-9 because we won't be able to stop anyone, and going 7-9 in the NFC South is really like -3 and 19.

Alright here's my analysis of what just happened today.

That was pretty horrible. I was in a very dark place for a while. The thought of another Sean Gilbert scenario with trading away picks made me want to vomit. Generally you don't trade away first rounders unless it's for a VERY proven commodity. Trading a 2009 first to get back into the 2008 first to draft someone you passed on just makes no sense to me. So he wasn't worth a first this year, but he was worth a first NEXT year, plus a second and a fourth? Jesus Christ.

Anyway, let's try to rationalize this.

The Panthers had four needs at the start of the day. They need an offense and defense tackle, as well as a defensive end. That's where there first round pick had to go.

The draft worked out.....oddly. Both good defensive tackles, Ellis and Dorsey, were off the board. Jacksonville had already made what many were saying was the dumbest trade of the draft (ha!) to grab Harvey. Clady had just gone off the board. That means that the best offensive tackle, and also most likely the best player on our board period, was probably Chris Williams.

Then they noticed Johnathan Stewart sitting there.

I guess I can see the logic here. Johnathan Stewart is basically a young Jamal Lewis before the cocaine and prison rape. The NFL is definitely moving to (if it's not already there) a running back by committee style. Both Super Bowl teams played about thirteen running backs a piece. Stewart is pretty much a monster. He can fill the role that Stephen Davis did in 2003 and to a lesser extent in 2005.

Then....good christ I'm not sure what happened. I guess they realized that after Otah the level of talent in the tackle pool was completely non existent. They also must think that they have the talent to compete this year and that there wasn't anyone worth their attention in the second round that could compete right away. Also that their first rounder next year won't be worth that much. Their first rounders after going to the playoffs have been an underachieving CB and a RB they seem dead set against play.

Overall, this is very strange and out of character for Fox and Hurney. They've moved up before (with Gamble) but never to this degree, and generally they've been ones to get more picks, not sacrifice them. They're getting some guy who, while being an absolute physical monster, is straight out of fucking Nigeria who has been playing organized football for about twenty minutes.

This was a huge fucking gamble for Fox, and it's obvious that he realizes he's on the hot seat. As my buddy noted, "Fox just went all in with a jack and ten suited." He's right.

Keep in mind, John. If this doesn't work I'm going to fucking find you.

What the fuck did we just give up.

UPDATE: Oh my god we got raped

On one hand, we got this faggot

Now what the christ did we give up for him, John.

I...uh, what?

So instead of addressing an actual need like LT, where there were three good ones available to them, the Panthers decided to draft in the first round Johnathan Stewart, running back out of Oregon State.

I almost predicted this; my computer just spit out the wrong Pac-10 skill player.

I can't really describe how terrible of a pick this is. The Panthers essentially ignored their most glaring needs to take a guy where they were fine. They've basically told DeAngelo Williams that even though they know how good he is, that he averaged 5.1 yards a carry, that he led the team in rushing yards as a backup, he's still not good enough for them.

Basically the Panthers are all faggots.

Cowher 09

Guess who's back. Back again.

Welcome back to the third best sarcastic blog on the internet dedicated to the Carolina Panthers! The other two are kind midget porn sites but dammit if they don't get the Panthers right sometimes. I've just aced* all of my finals and it's time for me to waste the hours at the aquarium by bitching about every single the Panthers do. And this is just in time for the 2008 NFL draft, which I may be blogging live from! And by live from the draft, I mean a bar in Atlanta where I'll be stealing internet from the Maaco across the street. Anyhoo, let's see what the experts are saying!

Darin Gantt says...

The longer this goes, I think the best scenario for the Panthers to go OL in the first if they move up or down. If they stay put (unless Clady or Albert slips), it looks more like RB or DE. Of course, I've got a hunch they might make a move up if Sedrick Ellis is within reach, which could make the early blocker talk moot.

Basically the Panthers need to draft Offensive Tackle or Defensive Tackle. That's it. The flat out don't have anyone to play LT right now. Travelle Wharton has decided he can't handle the pressure and is moving to guard. Jordan Gross is better on the right side. Jeremy Bridges is useless without a gun. At DT, they have Kemo's worthless ass and a third down pass rusher. At least they signed someone at DE (Tyler Brayton). They've got literally nothing at Defensive Tackle and that shit has to be addressed. Unfortunately, Darin is the only one that got it right.

I've read all kinds of theories about who the Panthers are going to draft. Derrick Harvey is going to come in and be that starting RDE for years to come and eventually take over for Peppers once his syphilis becomes too much to bare. Matt Ryan is the QB of the future even though Jake Delhomme is almost fully recovered and Matt Moore is too busy being awesome. Maybe we can draft another running back like Johnathan Stewart because damn we haven't had enough injury prone running backs who beat up on weak competition in the Pac - 10.

Fuck it. It's time for me to bust out my Panthers' computer to figure this out.

Alright, time to input our data.

No Preferences with Conference: Fox and Hurney haven't really shown a propensity towards one conference or the other when it comes to their first pick in the first round. Since 2002, they've gone ACC, Mountain West, Big 10, SEC, Conference USA, and ACC. They're pretty much all over the place. So it's not like Atlanta drafting almost exclusively out of Virginia Tech or anything.

Will move around on Draft Day: With both Chris Gamble and Jon Beason, the Panthers moved around in the first to get their guy. Now they've only done this twice, but it shows they're not afraid to do it. Unlike San Francisco who was so terrified of trading on draft day that they ending up getting Alex Smith. How's that working out shit heads.

Don't necessarily draft for need: Neither Chris Gamble, DeAngelo Williams, or Thomas Davis were really need picks. The Panthers had just got to the Super Bowl with Ricky Manning Jr. and his merry band of assholes when they decided they just couldn't let Chris Gamble sit there. They still had Deshaun Foster when they took Williams in the first, and Thomas Davis was brought in to play fucking safety. They definitely have a penchant for the best player available.

Not Afraid to Reach....for shit: Like stated above, Chris Gamble shouldn't have been drafted.....at all. Still the Panthers felt he was a first rounder. Thomas Davis probably should have gone lower, even though he's turned into a damn fine linebacker.

Let me just stick all that into the computer, wind the crank a little bit, and uh, hmm, let's get this going......

DESHAUN JACKSON

Oh my god no.

Well, I guess it makes sense. They really love Pac - 10 receivers (Colbert, Jarrett, Keyshawn), they like to reach, and it doesn't fill a position of need.

You may laugh now but just wait until we line up Smith - Moose - Hackett - Jackson - Robinson - Jarrett next year in the first 6 WR formation.

Oh god.

DJ Hackett is ready to blow you away

Panthers give fans reason for the ticket increase; bring in DJ Hackett

By some act of god the Panthers signed DJ Hackett for peanuts.

Panthers agreed to terms with WR D.J. Hackett on a two-year, $3.5 million contract, according to Scout.com's Adam Caplan.

While Hackett has dealt with injuries, he's been highly productive when healthy and is only 26. In Carolina, he becomes the top candidate to start opposite Steve Smith with Muhsin Muhammad likely working from the slot. Dwayne Jarrett will compete with Ryne Robinson to be the fourth receiver. Hackett has vertical and red-zone ability and should draw some attention away from Smith. His addition is good news for all Panthers skill players besides Jarrett. Expect solid WR3/4 numbers if Hackett starts. Mar. 17 - 12:16 pm et

Marty Hurney must have pictures of DJ Hackett fucking a goat or something because that's less of a contract than Ashley Lelie got for Christ's sake.

Apparently Hackett really likes Charlotte for some reason and wants to play with Steve Smith. The coolest thing about this is the Panthers could go four wide with Smith, Hackett, Moose, and Ryne with DeAngelo chilling in the backfield.

Jake will have tons of weapons until his knee explodes next year.

D.J. Hackett does drugs

Apparently DJ Hakett does serious blow or something because the thinks the Panthers are a contender.

"His goal is to play for a playoff contender and he thinks the Panthers will be that with their quarterback (Jake Delhomme) healthy again," agent Kevin Robinson said. "And he really thinks Charlotte is a nice area."

Hackett would be a huge boost for Carolina, giving the team a No. 2 receiver opposite Steve Smith.

I really don't see the point of signing him when the Panthers are clearly in a rebuilding year, but I guess Jerry has to justify jacking up ticket prices again.

"Jerry, Jerry, what's going to make this 7-9 season better then all the other ones?"

"Well, we've got bigger scoreboards this year!"

According to the Seahawks team page, he's married, which makes sense because Charlotte is apparently the married man's paradise, what with the complete lack of good strip clubs and all. I guess it's a good signing since Dwayne Jarrett is a drunken cock sucker and all, but still, who cares. Hackett plays like four games and Carolina of course doesn't expect its players to stay healthy so this is a perfect fit.

If they give him more that 5mil over 2 years with a team option for a third at 4mil then I will be pissed.

Hartwig cut; Tickeyts lying on the shelf in Atlanta

The Panthers decided to cut dead, useless, injured weight with a stupid hair cut.

Panthers released C Justin Hartwig.

Ryan Kalil will start at center. The Panthers had planned on having Hartwig slide over to the guard, but he was never keen on the idea so they tried to trade him. When they couldn't find a taker, they cut the injury-prone lineman. The move clears up $2.1 million in salary cap space. Keydrick Vincent should win the guard job, but Geoff Hangartner will also get a shot.

Hartwig couldn't stay healthy, probably because he's a giant vagina. He's so bad he makes Kemo'eatu not be the worst free agent signing of 2006 which is almost unimaginable. He was a little bitch about moving to guard so Fox was like "lata bitch."

I guess this means Kalil plays center now, which is kind of scary because it didn't look last season like he'd ever been on a football field before. I have the feeling Kalil would be more comfortable selling discount tires or something. Also, Hangartner better win the guard position. All that fucker does is be awesome and gets absolutely no respect.

Also, take your time buying Panthers tickets for the game in Atlanta.

Falcons re-signed Joey Harrington to an undisclosed contract, according to NFL Network's Adam Schefter.
Getting cut in a salary cap move, then re-signing less than a week later is a sign your NFL juice is gone. Harrington made the right move to return, because he still has a legitimate chance at starting over Chris Redman or a rookie to be named later. He can be a capable backup, but tends to fade when he starts for long stretches. Mar. 11 - 5:47 pm et

Nothing reenergizes a fan base like resigning the shitty QB you just cut that not even Al Davis would sign. The Falcons have pretty much stopped caring at this point and who can really blame them? You can't give Falcons tickets away these days. Homeless people are burning them in drums when they get cold, and people get cold here when it's like seventy degrees so that's a lot of tickets.

Dwayne Jarrett is rolling. You hating.

Dwayne Jarrett's dumb ass got pulled over for a DWI last night.

What the hell is wrong with this stupid bastard.

Alright, last year this really hot chick I know who basically sluts around all the Charlotte clubs (yeah there's like three) says she saw him all the time in the preseason at whatever club, drinking the place dry and throwing cash around like he made more than 1 million dollars.

Also the rumor I hear is that he's broke as shit. He was probably high off Nyquil when he got pulled over.

Charles Chandler is stupid; eats wall paste

Okay so I was really focusing on my schoolwork (watching porn) when I saw this.

Panthers | Team will likely draft a RB
Sun, 9 Mar 2008 18:47:33 -0700 Charles Chandler, of the Charlotte Observer, reports the Carolina Panthers will likely draft a running back during the 2008 NFL Draft.

Surely this had to be a mistake so I ran over to the Charlotte Observer's website and, after suffering through about thirty ads for dick enlargement pills saw, to my horror....nothing. I couldn't find this anywhere. Actually, it's more like I can't find it. Because I didn't do any research before I started writing this. I just sorta stopped eating Cheerios for a minute and began to type. Um, hm, well, don't want to delete what I've written already.

Let me just say this; to everyone that thinks the Panthers are going to draft a running back in the first round, you should go jump off a bridge or something. That's the last thing Hurney needs in his ear. This is the greatest running back draft the NFL has ever seen. They're probably going to accidentally draft a Hall of Famer in round sixth just like everyone else. It will turn out the faceless tight end we draft in the fifth was actually a running back in high school and will go nuts one day.

The Panthers need offensive line help. Chandler is right, if not a little uninspired and uncreative. The Panthers are going to draft a running back. However, if they draft one in the first, with all the more glaring now that Foster is finally off the team, they will be just as dumb as I pretend they are on here. They need a left tackle, not a fucking backup running back.

And now, um, this.

Listen I'm busy with school.

So fuck off for a bit. Quit emailing me. I have to finish my theatre degree so I can serve you pancakes.

David Carr gone. Ridiculous rumors ahoy.

Firstly, as we all know, David Carr was finally let go. This is the motto from here on out. We never mention him again and pretend it never happened. Focus on this picture and then move the fuck on.

Now, on to completely unsourced and rampant rumor mongering.

And New England free agent Randy Moss, he of the 98 catches and 23 TDs last season and easily the top wideout available, is not even on Panthers fans' radar. But one NFL insider has a very different take on things.

"New England didn't franchise Randy, so they'll make a long-term offer," he said. "But they don't usually overpay guys. Say they offer him $50 million over five years with $20 million guaranteed (in bonus money). Not a bad deal, right? But somebody out there will top it.

"Carolina has freed up a lot of cap space with all the guys they've cut recently. Suppose they offer Randy a 6-year, $60 million deal with $25 million guaranteed? Now, if the difference is one or two million, Moss probably gives the Patriots a discount and goes back. But $5 million extra guaranteed? These guys have egos. And he knows that Carolina has been working aggressively to get better. Who's to say he doesn't make the move?"

I will address this in one of two ways. The second will be as my usual cheery self. The first will be as a dipshit realgm.com boarder.

OH MY GOD this WOuld be fucking sweet!!!!! I did this trade in madden and let me tell you I had jake delhomme throwing for like 5000 yards and 56 touchdowns! i def think this would open up the game for our running game but we still need to draft a running back because deangelo acnt carry the load. also there are going to be a lot of good quarterbakcs in the draft so i think if we trade up to get two first rounders we can take mcfadden and matt ryan. with moss and smitty to throw to sueprbowl baby!!!!

Alright, now as myself.

No way in fucking hell this happens.

Firstly the Panthers have like three linemen and need an entirely new defensive line. They'd be stupid to put that much money into a position that isn't vital to what they apparently want to do now, which is run. they would affectively be wasting a 2nd round draft pick from last year because what kind of message does that send to Dwayne Jarrett? And where the fuck would you put moose? why sign him then go around and sign a number one?

Plus, Steve Smith couldn't handle that. he's the most competitive guy in the world. he once killed a guy who cut in front of him at chuckee cheese. true story.

Darin Gantt: Kris Jenkins' fat ass is gone

With the trading period beginning in earnest on Friday, it seems like Darin Gantt has heard a little bird talking about a player that's going to be out the door.

OK, now that they've taken care of their tackles, cut the deadwood and brought back Muhsin Muhammad, the next question is simply what's next.

You're probably going to have to wait until Friday to find out, because that's when the trading period begins, but from the sounds of things there is a market for Kris Jenkins.

Trading DTs is suddenly the rage, with Detroit offering up Shaun Rogers and the Jets trying to move Dewayne Robertson. You could make an argument that Jenkins is the best of the three, though Robertson's got more good years left.

Well, shit. There goes another member of the 2003 team. Basically after Rucker finally gives up the entire defense will have turned over with the exception of Julius Peppers, and that version barely shows up anymore. Kind of a sobering reality about life in the NFL.

Anyway, who are the candidates? Who has made the trade? What are we going to get? Luckily, I have a machine that is going to tell us the future.

She doesn't look like much, but she's got it where it counts. I've made a lot of special modifications.

Alright, let's type in the data.

-

=

.
..
...

Oh my god.



That's right.

The Panthers are trading the rights for Kris Jenkins to the Washington Redskins in exchange for the rights to Tom Cruise.

Panthers going for nostalgia, good times

Carolina pissed all of us off yesterday when their "big" free agent signing was Stephen Davis, running back here from 2003-2005.

The Panthers are expected to sign Stephen Davis to a deal which will allow the Spartanburg native to retire with his hometown team.

Also Monday, the Panthers completed contract restructurings with cornerback Ken Lucas and defensive tackle Maake Kemoeatu, gave the low restricted free agent tender of $927,000 to offensive lineman Evan Mathis, and signed a pair of exclusive rights free agents, running back Alex Haynes and safety C.J. Wilson, to one-year deals.

This is significant because....well, I don't really know why it's significant. It's kinda cool, I guess. Whatever gives the middle finger to Washington I'm a fan of. He basically carried the team to the playoffs until he went out in the Super Bowl and let Jake learn on the fly, so for that you can't hate him. But let's not stop there. Let's get REAL fucking nostalgic!

TODD STEUSSIE

You don't have to look very hard for a picture of Steussie holding. What you don't see here is he was actually offsides on this play as well. Why in the world we ever thought he was worth a big free agent contract is beyond me. He is living proof that steroids don't always make you better.

Rod Smart and Jarrod Cooper

I think it was the worst kept secret in Houston that year that these two were gay as fuck. Cooper was practically tonguing Rod Smart the entire time. By this time Jarrod was a far ways off from the guy who took off his helmet on the field before throwing a first punch. Smart was pretty useless as a kick return guy and for some reason didn't try to lateral it on the last play. I remember once reading a quote by Smart where he said in a few years he was going to be one of the top running backs in the NFL. He had his chance to start the next year when every running back in the world got hurt for the Panthers. What'd he do? Last one carry.

Still the fans loved them and Smart could grow his fro back out and all would be well.

Sam Mills

Yeah I know he's dead but can you think of anyone more beloved in the history of the Panthers than Sam Mills? They could just exhume his body and prop it on the sideline and people would pay.

Honestly there's not much happening now and I feel like I'm just throwing shit against the wall so I'm going back to sleep.

In lieu of Panthers' news, check out my sweet political burn.

I made this video about Hillary, who is much like David Carr. Check out that wicked sweet burn i had on her at the end.



Careful or I'll point my awesome burn gun at you.

Deshaun Foster video tribute.

I promised it and here it is!

Wha-? Where am I? What happened?

Mmmm, what happened? Oh god, my head hurts. Jesus Christ. Hold on a second.

Wait, coffee isn't going to fix this. Hold on.

Alright, that did the trick. It's all starting to come back to me; the alcohol, the strippers, the blow. I was celebrating.......something. What was it? What was that great thing again? Hmmmm, maybe if I check the internet I'll find an answer!

The Panthers released RB DeShaun Foster Thursday, apparently unable to find anyone willing to give up anything for him.

They cleared a $4.75 million chunk of salary cap space with the move, room they needed after sinking $7.455 million in RT Jordan Gross' franchise tag.

As much as they liked Foster, it was easy to see based on the structure of this contract this was coming.

Oh my fucking god.

If you want a serious read on this, head on over to Cat Scratch Reader. Being serious isn't what I'm all about. He's got fancy things like statistics, charts, and class. That's really not my style.

What is my style is talking about how fucking incredible it is that we're finally free of this fucking disease on the team. It's not Deshaun Foster's fault. He's probably a nice guy. John Fox just couldn't bench him. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience when I say that sometimes the only way to stop cheating on your girlfriend is to murder the stripper you keep seeing and in this case Deshaun Foster is Lola. Fox just couldn't leave him alone.

Where the Panthers go from here is fucking obvious: the Super Bowl. DeAngelo Williams is going to break every record in the world next year. All those years I have on Madden where I set it to Rookie with 12 minute quarters and run DeAngelo every time? Yeah, it's going to be like that. One time I broke ten thousand yards and 120 touchdowns in a season doing that. That'll be DWizzle at the halfway point.

I made a video for Deshaun that will be posted later tonight. In the meantime, time to start drinking again!

Hurney: We're not NOT going to look at Alge and Moose

He's a complicated man, and no one understands him but John Fox...

MARTY HURNEY!

Daaaaaaaaaaamn straight.

Oh yeah, he's also spoken from the combine at Indianapolis. I'm glad he took time from looking at shitty skill position players from inferior conferences to share this tidbit with us.

CHARLOTTE -- Carolina Panthers general manager Marty Hurney said he plans to inquire about two well-known veteran players who were officially released by other teams on Tuesday -- tight end Alge Crumpler and receiver Muhsin Muhammad.

"That is definitely something we will look into," Hurney said last night from the Scouting Combine in Indianapolis. "But I think we will do that with everybody that comes across that we think can help us."

While that doesn't mean the Panthers will sign either player, it's at least a signal they are intrigued.

First, let's look at Algernon.

Crumpler, who was released by Atlanta, is a Greenville, N.C., native who played for the Tar Heels in college. There could be added pressure to go after Crumpler now that defending NFC South champion Tampa Bay has said they plan to go after him.

All the reasons this makes sense:

• From Wilmington
• Julius Peppers' realest nigga, yo
• Wanted to play for Carolina originally before Shit Smear Land drafted him
• Could help teach Donte Rosario

All of those are reasons, of course, we won't sign him. We'll probably give Ayanbadejo a max contract instead or something ridiculous like that. Honestly, how does Hurney go to sleep when there's something so glaringly obvious sitting on the table. He probably hast to look at this a lot to relax himself.

Now, on to Moose. Oh Moose, the good old days...

LOL, look at Eugene Wilson eating shit there. Boy, that's prophetic.

Muhammad, cut by Chicago, spent seven seasons with Carolina and still owns a home in Charlotte and has ties to the area and still runs some charitable organizations here.

Listen, is Moose fast anymore? No. Is he particularly good? Not really. Did he only have three really good seasons in Carolina? Kinda.

Do I still want the guy I cheered for as a kid back on the team? Abso-fuckin-lutely.

He can block, he can occasionally catch something, he's not Keary Colbert, and Jake Delhomme loves him. Hell, Steve Smith loves him. Fuck, all of Charlotte loves him! He also had the best United Way commercial ever and of course it's not on youtube but it was just him painting a wall with a bunch of kids and the announcer says, "This is Muhsin Muhammad, the greatest receiver ever" then Moose turns around like "yeah you know" and winks.

It was fucking awesome.

Carrpocalypse Now

I've seen the quarterback horror. Quarterback horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a troll. You have no right to call me a troll. You have a right to flame me. You have a right to do that, but you have no right to judge me . It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what quarterback horror means. Quarterback horror. Quaterback horror has a face, and you must make a friend of horror.

Quarterback horror and mortal terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies.

I remember when it was the Super Bowl team--it seems a thousand centuries ago--we went into Atlanta to inoculate it. The children. We left the city after we had inoculated the children for rap music, and this old man came running after us, and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went there, and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile--a pile of little arms. And I remember...I...I...I cried, I wept like Terrell Owens. I wanted to tear my teeth out, I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it, I never want to forget. And then I realized--like I was shot...like I was shot with a diamond...a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought, "My God, the genius of that, the genius, the will to do that." Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they could stand that--these were not monsters, these were Atlanta Falcons fans, trained cadres, these men who fought with their hearts, who have families, who have children, who are filled with ghetto musick--that they had this strength, the strength to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men, then our troubles with David Carr would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral and at the same time were able to utilize their primordial instincts to cheer without feeling, without passion, without judgment--without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us.