Guess who's back. Back again.

Welcome back to the third best sarcastic blog on the internet dedicated to the Carolina Panthers! The other two are kind midget porn sites but dammit if they don't get the Panthers right sometimes. I've just aced* all of my finals and it's time for me to waste the hours at the aquarium by bitching about every single the Panthers do. And this is just in time for the 2008 NFL draft, which I may be blogging live from! And by live from the draft, I mean a bar in Atlanta where I'll be stealing internet from the Maaco across the street. Anyhoo, let's see what the experts are saying!

Darin Gantt says...

The longer this goes, I think the best scenario for the Panthers to go OL in the first if they move up or down. If they stay put (unless Clady or Albert slips), it looks more like RB or DE. Of course, I've got a hunch they might make a move up if Sedrick Ellis is within reach, which could make the early blocker talk moot.

Basically the Panthers need to draft Offensive Tackle or Defensive Tackle. That's it. The flat out don't have anyone to play LT right now. Travelle Wharton has decided he can't handle the pressure and is moving to guard. Jordan Gross is better on the right side. Jeremy Bridges is useless without a gun. At DT, they have Kemo's worthless ass and a third down pass rusher. At least they signed someone at DE (Tyler Brayton). They've got literally nothing at Defensive Tackle and that shit has to be addressed. Unfortunately, Darin is the only one that got it right.

I've read all kinds of theories about who the Panthers are going to draft. Derrick Harvey is going to come in and be that starting RDE for years to come and eventually take over for Peppers once his syphilis becomes too much to bare. Matt Ryan is the QB of the future even though Jake Delhomme is almost fully recovered and Matt Moore is too busy being awesome. Maybe we can draft another running back like Johnathan Stewart because damn we haven't had enough injury prone running backs who beat up on weak competition in the Pac - 10.

Fuck it. It's time for me to bust out my Panthers' computer to figure this out.

Alright, time to input our data.

No Preferences with Conference: Fox and Hurney haven't really shown a propensity towards one conference or the other when it comes to their first pick in the first round. Since 2002, they've gone ACC, Mountain West, Big 10, SEC, Conference USA, and ACC. They're pretty much all over the place. So it's not like Atlanta drafting almost exclusively out of Virginia Tech or anything.

Will move around on Draft Day: With both Chris Gamble and Jon Beason, the Panthers moved around in the first to get their guy. Now they've only done this twice, but it shows they're not afraid to do it. Unlike San Francisco who was so terrified of trading on draft day that they ending up getting Alex Smith. How's that working out shit heads.

Don't necessarily draft for need: Neither Chris Gamble, DeAngelo Williams, or Thomas Davis were really need picks. The Panthers had just got to the Super Bowl with Ricky Manning Jr. and his merry band of assholes when they decided they just couldn't let Chris Gamble sit there. They still had Deshaun Foster when they took Williams in the first, and Thomas Davis was brought in to play fucking safety. They definitely have a penchant for the best player available.

Not Afraid to Reach....for shit: Like stated above, Chris Gamble shouldn't have been drafted.....at all. Still the Panthers felt he was a first rounder. Thomas Davis probably should have gone lower, even though he's turned into a damn fine linebacker.

Let me just stick all that into the computer, wind the crank a little bit, and uh, hmm, let's get this going......

DESHAUN JACKSON

Oh my god no.

Well, I guess it makes sense. They really love Pac - 10 receivers (Colbert, Jarrett, Keyshawn), they like to reach, and it doesn't fill a position of need.

You may laugh now but just wait until we line up Smith - Moose - Hackett - Jackson - Robinson - Jarrett next year in the first 6 WR formation.

Oh god.

Steve Reed: Panthers biggest offseason needs

This is coming on the heels of Jerry Richardson's announcement that he wants the team to get the same kind of attitude it had during the Super Bowl run. Well, since they test for steroids more stringently now, in the mind of Steve Reed we can achieve this by signing a shit ton of free agents who will underperform!

1. Wide receiver. The Panthers need a playmaker to take pressure off Steve Smith. In fact, they probably need two. Keary Colbert and Drew Carter are both free agents, so the Panthers could look to replace both. Look for them to address this need in free agency, rather than the draft. It’s hard to count on a rookie to make an immediate impact at this spot. Just look at Dwayne Jarrett. The guy I’d like to see the Panthers sign is Seattle’s D.J. Hackett.

Jerry Richardson wants us to be tough and return to a Steelers type offense of running the ball so naturally Steve Reed suggests the most important position is Wide Receiver. Not only that, he's never played a full season, missed 10 games last year, and since Deion branch's ACL exploded in the playoffs he'll be a priority for them to resign.

2. Defensive end. There’s been no announcement yet from Mike Rucker regarding his future, but if he retires as expected the Panthers desperately need to add a pass rusher in free agency. Neither Stanley McClover nor Charles Johnson showed they were ready to step into a starting role in '07. In fact, even if Rucker were to return for a victory tour next season, the Panthers should still make upgrading this spot a huge priority.

They almost have to sign a free agent here because you certainly don't want a defensive lineman to suffer through any Panthers' coaching. Hell, they ruined Julius Peppers, even. You need a guy that has played a while, is established, and knows that he needs to tune out just about every fucking thing the coaching staff tells him. Also, if Mike Rucker decided to return AGAIN and he's not wearing a coaching uniform I'm going to have to start loading my gun.

3. Free safety. Deke Cooper did a decent job filling in last season, but he’s not going to scare many offensive coordinators. Besides, he’s a free agent so there’s no assurance he’ll be back. Nate Salley is returning from knee surgery, but the Panthers could really use a veteran ball hawking safety that causes turnovers and brings the same type of attitude to the defense that Chris Harris did this season. Mike Doss anyone?

Yes, The Deke Cooper Experience needs to go. No, it's not the third most important thing on the team. Bad Steve. Bad bad bad!

4. Guard. Mike Wahle is getting up there in age and has reached the point in his contract where cutting him has become a possibility. If the Panthers really want to be like the Steelers, as Richardson suggested, one addition that would make sense is adding unhappy Steelers guard Alan Feneca to the mix. He’s one of the best guards in the game and would be an immediate upgrade for this shaky offensive line. Look for Geoff Hangartner to be in the mix somewhere, probably at the other guard spot.

Mike Wahle is getting old (30) so we need to replace him with a Steelers castoff who is a year older? Boy that's fucking brilliant. This isn't the nineties. We don't sign every Steelers castoff like we did back then. And did you see the Steelers offensive line this year? I mean my god, they turned Roethlisberger into a bigger, whiter, uglier Mike Vick. I don't care if it wasn't Faneca's fault, whatever caused them to play so shitty may have been contagious.

Also, why spend big money on a guard when our more pressing need is.....

5. Offensive tackle. Remember, not only is Gross a free agent at right tackle, but so is Travelle Wharton on the left side. However, the reason this is so low on the list of priorities is because Gross could always move to left tackle and Jeremy Bridges could slide back out to right tackle. Ideally, you’d have to think the Panthers would want to keep Gross at right tackle because that has proven to be his better position.

This shouldn't be low on priorities. It should be our biggest priority! Gross is below average at Left Tackle, and if he thinks that's a possibility he's going to demand Left Guard money. And Jeremy Bridges? Are you fucking serious? Not only does he suck, but he's one bad lap dance away from shooting up a strip club.

The rest of it is just obvious stuff. Fullback, KR, Tight End, the same stuff we never upgrade. I'm not sure Tight End is a problem, honestly. Both Rosario and King showed they're good as specific things (King underneath, Rosario stretching the field). If they went into training camp with those two primarily I'd be alright.

The most important thing for this team is their offensive line, offensive line, offensive line, and they're not going to solve this problem through quick fixes in free agency. Signing aging veterans does nothing except tie up four years of cap for one year of performance. Lines have to be built through the draft, and if the Panthers really wanted to make a splash, they'd trade up into Long or Otah range.

Of course they won't. They'll end up taking a wide receiver out of the Pac-10 or some bullshit. Desean Jackson woooooo oh god there's so much blood