The draft that could have been.

With their first pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers select, Chris Williams, Offensive Tackle, Vanderbilt.

With their second pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers select, Trevor Laws, Defensive Tackle, Notre Dame.
LATER THAT DAY.....

Pat Yasinskas: Coach! Coach! Tell us about the draft!

Fox: Well, I mean, it is what it is. We went into the draft wanting to address our line play, and I think we did that.

Tom Sorensen Coach, tell us, was it hard to pass on Joe Flacco, or moving up to take Ryan?

Fox: You're a fucking dumbass.

Steve Reed: Tell us about Chris Williams

Fox: Well, we wanted to try taking important positions from good schools instead of, you know, grabbing the best player from Conference USA. They tell me this SEC has a lot of good players. I don't know, I'm too busy playing with puzzles on Saturday, but I trust my guys.

Darin Gantt: Then why did you draft a player from Notre Dame?

Fox: Well, they played Michigan.

Darin Gantt: So did Appalachian State.

All: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT APPALACHIAN STATE

Fox: I think a lot of what this off season was about was returning to 2003 form. And if you'll remember, back then, we had a guy named Brentson Buckner, who wasn't really that good, but he had a lot of intensity, and it showed. He could really get Peppers fired up. I'm not even sure Kemo speaks English, so, you know, we needed a guy that could tell Julius he was a vagina every other play.

Wojn.....: Tell us about grabbing Jonathan Stewart in the third.

Fox: Well, any time a player of that caliber drops that low, you have to grab him. Yes, there are some durability issues, especially since our doctors operated on him. I think that scared a lot of teams away. We are the ones who ruined Patrick Jeffers' career, after all.

I can't think of anyone else: Most important thing about this draft.

Fox: Well, I'm sure you all know we're on the hot seat here and probably won't be making the picks next year. We just wanted to be sure not to rock the boat, so to speak. It'd be kinda assholish of us to trade back into the first, sacrificing 2009 picks, and sabotaging the next coach, whoever that might be.

Draft round up round up.

This is rotoworld's Evan Silva. Keep in mind, rotoworld is a pretty big site as far as the BLOGOSPHERE goes. Which means it's small and insignificent. It's sponsored by NBC and has a partnership with that steaming back of shit Mike Florio. He probably never watches the Panthers. In fact, it doesn't look like this guy has ever watched football. He's most likely too busy buying Crocs or something. Anyway, he had this to say about the Panthers' draft

Carolina Panthers
Grade: B-

The Panthers have to like what they came away with (Jonathan Stewart and Jeff Otah) on day one, but giving up a 2009 first-round pick, a second-rounder, and a fourth-rounder was a bit much. Still, these players are pretty close to sure things and will help immediately. Third-round Iowa CB Charles Godfrey will convert to free safety. Penn State LB Dan Connor was a tremendous value in round three. Louisville TE Gary Barnidge could compete to start once he bulks up. Wisconsin's Nick Hayden is a try-hard defensive tackle.

I mean, not bad. Not terrible. He at least seems to understand what the Panthers gave up, and unlike the idiots on ESPN didn't think that Dan Conner was drafted to be a replacement to Dan Morgan. So this guy who is a contributing writer to what is basically the sports world equivalent of Barry Jive and the Uptown Five wrote this very satisfactory blurb about a team he doesn't cover. JUST REMEMBER THIS OKAY.

Let's see what ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in Sports, deferring to a guy who used to FUCKING COVER THE PANTHERS, has to say.

After taking a calm and conservative approach to personnel through their first six years, Carolina general manager Marty Hurney and coach John Fox took a big leap that could end up making or breaking them. After adding Oregon running back Stewart at No. 13, the Panthers traded back into the first round to pick up Otah.

The cost was huge: Carolina gave up its first-round pick in 2009 to Philadelphia as well as second- and fourth-round picks this year. It's always dicey when you sacrifice your future for the present. But hey, what do Fox and Hurney have to lose?

If Otah works out and the Panthers get to the playoffs, they'll look like geniuses. If not, they'll be gone and the lack of a first-round pick will be somebody else's problem next year.

Hmmm, no shit. Really went on on a limb there didn't you Pat. Maybe you should have talked about how they also drafted some more players in the third, or how they signed a wide receiver in the off season. I like Pat Yasinskas and all but dear god what he writes about the Panthers is repetitive.

1. State the obvious
2. End it ominously
3. Profit

Mel Kiper, official hair care product enthusiast, did his usual hand - job - athon where no one gets lower than a C-.

The future is now in Carolina, which gave up its first-round pick in 2009 to trade back into this year's first round and draft offensive tackle Jeff Otah. Jonathan Stewart is a workhorse running back and Dan Connor is a real nice pick in the third round. I like the Panthers' picks on Day 2, highlighted by Iowa CB Charles Godfrey, who I thought was the best player on the board heading into Day 2. Tight end Gary Barnidge, who they picked in the fifth round, catches everything thrown his way, although he is not much of a blocker. Hilee Taylor has a very good motor at OLB, Geoff Schwartz is an overachieving OL and G Mackenzy Bernadeau out of Bentley has a good chance to make the team. I didn't like seeing them give up a future first-round pick, and Stewart does have some durability concerns, but this was a good draft for the Panthers.

Meh. Hilee Taylor played defensive end at Carolina and I'm not sure Mel knows that the Panthers don't play a 3-4. I honestly doubt he does. A lot more of rehashing the same shit. Listen, every Panthers fan knows they gave up a lot, and any non fan reading that Panthers blurb most likely knows as well. Also Mel Kiper on Television called that random ass tight end Gary Barnidge the next Jay Novacek. Yeah, and I'm getting a blowjob from Natalie Portman as we speak.

Scott Fowler is working hard for the money.

If you pull one thread the wrong way on the upcoming season -- specifically, if Delhomme's throwing elbow doesn't recover or Julius Peppers remains Julius Average or the injury buzz saw starts whirring again -- it could unravel quickly. By next season, Fox and general manager Marty Hurney could be gone and Bill Cowher could be grumbling about the fact he doesn't have a 2009 first-round draft choice because Fox and Hurney traded it away Saturday.

Fowler didn't wait long to pull the Cowher card. Also, guys, if Jake gets hurt, we may not make the playoffs. That's right. A team may be hurt by losing its starting quarterback. Shocking, I know. Also look at this piece of hard hitting appeal to emotion.

Then again, Eric Shelton looked good on paper. So did Jason Peter, Dwayne Jarrett and Rae Carruth. The Panthers have made lousy and lovely picks throughout their history, but have never strung together quite enough good picks to win a Super Bowl.

Yeah, how did not John Fox and Marty Hurney not anticipate Rae Carruth's propensity for murdering pregnant girlfriends. Nevermind that Fox was still a coach with Oakland at the time and Hurney was a beat writer for the fucking Redskins.

Just trust me when I say that Tom Sorenesen's article was pure shit.

I'm going to end this on a quote from our new running back Jonathan Stewart.

I'm an explosive, powerful runner. I run north and south but mostly more north

Run any way you want, man.

Instead of drafting for need, the Panthers are drafting for candy

This Panthers' draft has kinda like been playing Russian Roulette. We're just hoping that the BPA available actually fits a need and if not lets just pull the trigger and hope there's an empty space later.

I'm using this simile because I couldn't find a picture of two thousand dollar rims on a pinto.

What in the blue fuck are they thinking here? Okay, they actually grab a safety at the top of the third. That's nice. Charles Godfrey is built like a brick shit house and is fast enough to play behind Chris Harris. And then here comes Pat Sims, a giant motherfucker from Auburn.

Jesus Christ this mother fucker is as big as a house! And he's so awesome men try to grab his junk during the game.

Anyway we decided to pass on him, a need, a good player, for......Dan Conner? A shit head from Penn State? Why the fuck do we need a linebacker? We've got eleven of them! We addressed that in the off season?! You stupid bastards, just because the third is on the second day now doesn't mean THIS ISN'T THE THIRD ROUND.

This team is going to be 7-9 because we won't be able to stop anyone, and going 7-9 in the NFC South is really like -3 and 19.

Alright here's my analysis of what just happened today.

That was pretty horrible. I was in a very dark place for a while. The thought of another Sean Gilbert scenario with trading away picks made me want to vomit. Generally you don't trade away first rounders unless it's for a VERY proven commodity. Trading a 2009 first to get back into the 2008 first to draft someone you passed on just makes no sense to me. So he wasn't worth a first this year, but he was worth a first NEXT year, plus a second and a fourth? Jesus Christ.

Anyway, let's try to rationalize this.

The Panthers had four needs at the start of the day. They need an offense and defense tackle, as well as a defensive end. That's where there first round pick had to go.

The draft worked out.....oddly. Both good defensive tackles, Ellis and Dorsey, were off the board. Jacksonville had already made what many were saying was the dumbest trade of the draft (ha!) to grab Harvey. Clady had just gone off the board. That means that the best offensive tackle, and also most likely the best player on our board period, was probably Chris Williams.

Then they noticed Johnathan Stewart sitting there.

I guess I can see the logic here. Johnathan Stewart is basically a young Jamal Lewis before the cocaine and prison rape. The NFL is definitely moving to (if it's not already there) a running back by committee style. Both Super Bowl teams played about thirteen running backs a piece. Stewart is pretty much a monster. He can fill the role that Stephen Davis did in 2003 and to a lesser extent in 2005.

Then....good christ I'm not sure what happened. I guess they realized that after Otah the level of talent in the tackle pool was completely non existent. They also must think that they have the talent to compete this year and that there wasn't anyone worth their attention in the second round that could compete right away. Also that their first rounder next year won't be worth that much. Their first rounders after going to the playoffs have been an underachieving CB and a RB they seem dead set against play.

Overall, this is very strange and out of character for Fox and Hurney. They've moved up before (with Gamble) but never to this degree, and generally they've been ones to get more picks, not sacrifice them. They're getting some guy who, while being an absolute physical monster, is straight out of fucking Nigeria who has been playing organized football for about twenty minutes.

This was a huge fucking gamble for Fox, and it's obvious that he realizes he's on the hot seat. As my buddy noted, "Fox just went all in with a jack and ten suited." He's right.

Keep in mind, John. If this doesn't work I'm going to fucking find you.

What the fuck did we just give up.

UPDATE: Oh my god we got raped

On one hand, we got this faggot

Now what the christ did we give up for him, John.

I...uh, what?

So instead of addressing an actual need like LT, where there were three good ones available to them, the Panthers decided to draft in the first round Johnathan Stewart, running back out of Oregon State.

I almost predicted this; my computer just spit out the wrong Pac-10 skill player.

I can't really describe how terrible of a pick this is. The Panthers essentially ignored their most glaring needs to take a guy where they were fine. They've basically told DeAngelo Williams that even though they know how good he is, that he averaged 5.1 yards a carry, that he led the team in rushing yards as a backup, he's still not good enough for them.

Basically the Panthers are all faggots.

Cowher 09

Guess who's back. Back again.

Welcome back to the third best sarcastic blog on the internet dedicated to the Carolina Panthers! The other two are kind midget porn sites but dammit if they don't get the Panthers right sometimes. I've just aced* all of my finals and it's time for me to waste the hours at the aquarium by bitching about every single the Panthers do. And this is just in time for the 2008 NFL draft, which I may be blogging live from! And by live from the draft, I mean a bar in Atlanta where I'll be stealing internet from the Maaco across the street. Anyhoo, let's see what the experts are saying!

Darin Gantt says...

The longer this goes, I think the best scenario for the Panthers to go OL in the first if they move up or down. If they stay put (unless Clady or Albert slips), it looks more like RB or DE. Of course, I've got a hunch they might make a move up if Sedrick Ellis is within reach, which could make the early blocker talk moot.

Basically the Panthers need to draft Offensive Tackle or Defensive Tackle. That's it. The flat out don't have anyone to play LT right now. Travelle Wharton has decided he can't handle the pressure and is moving to guard. Jordan Gross is better on the right side. Jeremy Bridges is useless without a gun. At DT, they have Kemo's worthless ass and a third down pass rusher. At least they signed someone at DE (Tyler Brayton). They've got literally nothing at Defensive Tackle and that shit has to be addressed. Unfortunately, Darin is the only one that got it right.

I've read all kinds of theories about who the Panthers are going to draft. Derrick Harvey is going to come in and be that starting RDE for years to come and eventually take over for Peppers once his syphilis becomes too much to bare. Matt Ryan is the QB of the future even though Jake Delhomme is almost fully recovered and Matt Moore is too busy being awesome. Maybe we can draft another running back like Johnathan Stewart because damn we haven't had enough injury prone running backs who beat up on weak competition in the Pac - 10.

Fuck it. It's time for me to bust out my Panthers' computer to figure this out.

Alright, time to input our data.

No Preferences with Conference: Fox and Hurney haven't really shown a propensity towards one conference or the other when it comes to their first pick in the first round. Since 2002, they've gone ACC, Mountain West, Big 10, SEC, Conference USA, and ACC. They're pretty much all over the place. So it's not like Atlanta drafting almost exclusively out of Virginia Tech or anything.

Will move around on Draft Day: With both Chris Gamble and Jon Beason, the Panthers moved around in the first to get their guy. Now they've only done this twice, but it shows they're not afraid to do it. Unlike San Francisco who was so terrified of trading on draft day that they ending up getting Alex Smith. How's that working out shit heads.

Don't necessarily draft for need: Neither Chris Gamble, DeAngelo Williams, or Thomas Davis were really need picks. The Panthers had just got to the Super Bowl with Ricky Manning Jr. and his merry band of assholes when they decided they just couldn't let Chris Gamble sit there. They still had Deshaun Foster when they took Williams in the first, and Thomas Davis was brought in to play fucking safety. They definitely have a penchant for the best player available.

Not Afraid to Reach....for shit: Like stated above, Chris Gamble shouldn't have been drafted.....at all. Still the Panthers felt he was a first rounder. Thomas Davis probably should have gone lower, even though he's turned into a damn fine linebacker.

Let me just stick all that into the computer, wind the crank a little bit, and uh, hmm, let's get this going......

DESHAUN JACKSON

Oh my god no.

Well, I guess it makes sense. They really love Pac - 10 receivers (Colbert, Jarrett, Keyshawn), they like to reach, and it doesn't fill a position of need.

You may laugh now but just wait until we line up Smith - Moose - Hackett - Jackson - Robinson - Jarrett next year in the first 6 WR formation.

Oh god.