Rhys Lloyd pisses excellence

This is Rhys Lloyd. As you can see, Rhys Lloyd isn't the most athletic tool in the shed. He has a less developed chest than Keira Knightly, his jersey doesn't even fit, and his gut hangs over his belt. Add on to that he looks like someone who'd be starting racist chants at a Manchester United game. He's never fully shaved, a careless cigarette flick could set his hair on fire, and if you listen carefully after kickoffs, you can hear him mutter under his breath "fookin cunts" while he takes a swig from a carefully concealed flask.

All that said, he's a fucking god amongst men for the five or six times he gets to go out there during a game and flex the majesty of that leg of his. He's 11th in total kickoffs, 7 behind the league leader, but is tied for first with Matt Prater with 11 touch backs. Keep in mind that Prater is a Bronco, which means he gets to kick in the fucking stratosphere. I could trip and tumble into the ball and send it 40 yards at Mile High. Not only that, he jumps around like Eurotrash whenever he gets a touchback and they play that Olay, olay olay olay song.

And as a world traveller, yes, Soccer generally is that gay.

I tried to find a video of him and this came up, so I'm just assuming this is him.



Some other fun facts you may not have known about Rhys Lloyd.

• Nigel "The Leg" Gruff from The Replacements was loosely based on Lloyd's life. They even tracked down an actor named Rhys to play him.
• His team mates called him "Winston Churchill" who was pretty cool and defeated the Nazis
  
• He went to Minnesota.
  
• Wait never mind there's nothing fun about Minnesota.
• According to this article, he's only kicking at like 80 percent. Will we ever get to see him go all out? Maybe, in the future, when the planet needs him.....
  

Well I guess I'll start this shit again.

Well I guess I should start doing this again. I got caught up in the whole going to school and getting a degree and going to paris and doing drugs thing but now i guess i'll do this since I've got absolutely nothing else to do.

That reminds me, if you know of where I can work in nyc that doesn't involve flipping burgers or pouring coffee I'd love to know.

Anyhoo, I'll spare you a recap of the offseason and the Steve Smith beat down because I'm sure you're completely over it. I'll be liveblogging, i mean drinking, at the game tomorrow. I guess I'm going to list a few things I, personally, am going to be watching as our beloved Panthers go up against Jim Sorgi and a shit ton of bench warmers.

Just how bad can Jake Delhomme look?


- With his surgically repaired elbow, Steve Smith, and the return of his real favorite target in Muhsin Muhammad, the REAL question is just how many times can Jake overthrow the ball. Jake has an uncanny ability to either chuck the ball ten yards out of bounds or three hop it to wide open receivers in the flats. With his new elbow, we'll have to see how long it takes him to adjust and return to his normal levels of mediocrity.

Just how many of our major acquisitions can miss this game?


- It wouldn't be a Panthers season without spending a bunch of free agency money and draft picks on players who don't really care to see the field. This year it seems we really outdid ourselves, signing a WR who couldn't stay healthy enough to play badminton and drafting a running back that everyone knew wasn't ready to play.

Wanna know how serious this is?

1. Ian Scott - out
2. Charles Spencer - out
3. Labrandon toefield - out
4. Darwin Walker - out
5. Johnathan Stewart - out
6. DJ Hackett - out

On top of that, Beason, Gamble, Lucas (lol), and Harris are all out, so essentially all our best players, and by best I mean the only ones worth a shit. Basically we'll be lucky enough to see Sorgi do his Peyton Manning impression, watch Jake throw a pathetic interception, and then see studs like Travis Taylor and Ricardo Colclough shit all over the field. CAN'T WAIT!

Exactly how lame will the new Panthers on the sideline look like?


- A random panther fan from alaska took time away from cooking meth in his mom's trailer to harass Jerry Richardson into putting a couple of Panther heads on the field at some point. I'm not sure what he thinks this would accomplish but I'm certain the effort could have been spent much better, like by begging Jerry to never let his son touch the team, or to hire a competent coaching staff.

The question to me is just how much Jerry is going to blow off this hick from a former Russian colony. I'm hoping for as big a slap into his face as possible, like telling him the heads are unfortunately under the tarp or something like that.

How expensive will the beer be?


- Early vegas line is at 8.50 a beer. Keep in mind in Paris a bottle of wine that's 15% ABV costs less than a bottle of water, and yet here we are paying out the nose for what's essentially yellow water.

I'm sure some other things will happen but who fucking cares. Fox will probably run all of the plays he has to win a meaningless game because he cares about these things. Someone will most likely blow out their knee and Carolina's spiral into 6 wins will begin again.

Oh well, go Panthers!

Mike Florio: Is there anyone worse?

This chromosome-heavy man child is Mike Florio, editor of ProFootballTalk. And when I say editor, I mean cook, because essentially all he does is throw wet noodles at the wall and try to decipher what they mean. Keep in mind, Florio is the one who two years ago claimed Steve Smith was faking an injury to get a better contract.

Well, when he's not pulling shit out of thing air, he's doing something worse; trying to analyze teams. This guy is a Washington fan, so obviously he knows nothing about the sport, and we should just all be grateful we don't have to deal with his Redskins' inferiority complex.

Anyhoo, he predicts the Panthers as one of six teams that will FAIL in 2008, which I agree with because Carolina is terrible and has no defensive line. However, that simple reason wasn't good enough for Mike, possibly because his Ouija board disagreed.

Once again, the Panthers look solid on paper, especially with a pair of first-round picks in running back Jonathan Stewart and offensive tackle Jeff Otah. But Carolina GM Marty Hurney still hasn’t done anything to establish a receiving threat across from Steve Smith or provide depth at quarterback behind Jake Delhomme, whose star is in danger of burning out for good.

Whhhaaaaaaatttttttt the fuck? Didn't establish a receiving corps opposite Steve Smith? Let's talk about a couple of things here Mike Florio. Firstly, Muhsin Muhammad and DJ Hackett are football players. Football players that play wide receiver. Football players that play wide receiver that the Panthers signed in the off season to play wide receiver. Instead of not addressing it like you seem to think happened, they went out and got two of the best options that were on the market.

Also keep in mind that when Steve Smith won the triple crown for receiving in 2005, you know who his receiving corp was?


Keary Fucking Colbert was on the other side of the field. A guy the Panthers instructed they wouldn't resign. The second leading receiver on the team that year was Deshaun Foster, a running back. So even if Mike somehow didn't notice that the Panthers had brought in two pretty good receivers, it doesn't really even matter since Steve Smith has been doing it his entire career without any help.

Then he brings up the Quarterback issue, and as we all know, there is a backup QB on this team, almost certainly the QB of the future, and he has balls made of steel and a heart made of the finest whiskey.

But why should Mike Florio know anything about Matt Moore? After all, he's got a shitty SEC quarterback and 49 year old Todd Collins, neither of which could beat Seattle which is something Matt Moore proved very doable.