Steve Smith is Marginal

Top Five Panthers Story Lines

2009-04-16T00:52:00.003-04:00

Hey guys I'm totally blitzed so here are the top five Panther story lines for 2009 heading into the NFL draft next weekend. Boy it's fun drunk logging in and seeing all the people from craigslist sex ads that I messaged on this account and forgot about!

1. Just How Much Will Chris Gamble Regress?

There quite honestly is no length to the amount Chris Gamble is likely to regress.

The signing of Ron Meeks as defensive coordinator would mean, to the uninitiated, that the Panthers were on the verge of switching to a completely different defense. On the surface, yes, this makes sense. To anyone that knows Fox, Meeks, and the way the Panthers run things, it does not.

Meeks ran Dungy's defense in Indianapolis. Dungy, along with Monty Kiffin, were pioneers of the Tampa 2. It was a revolutionary defense that has become mostly useless in the wake of may teams reverting to power running games (Panthers, Falcons, Giants, Skins, Cowboys, Vikings, Bears, Niners, just in the NFC). He was a y

es man, hired to just relay what Dungy wanted to the rest of the troops.

What does that sound like?

Meeks was hired to take Fox's orders. With that in mind, expect a ton more of the same. Corners dropping ten yards away from the receiver in coverage, hoping against hope that a defensive line made up of a bunch of scrubs can get to the quarterback before Chris Gamble gets distracted by a shiny object in the stands.

I've seen this from Jar Jar before. In 2004, he looked like a legit cornerback. After that, he looked like Dough Evans' corpse. Now that he's been paid, he has no incentive at all to play hard. I expect more of the norm from Gamble: spacing out at an Adam Laroche pace, closing his eyes during tackles and whiffing, and staring up angrily at the Gods, wondering why he wasn't blessed with the mental faculties to best take advantage of his physical skills. We're talking 2006-2007 play here from the OSU shit head.

Fuck you Chris Gamble.

2. Will Jake Delhomme recover and return to mediocrity?

Everyone think of the Cardinals playoff game.

Got it? Good. Let's never speak of it again.

Jake Delhomme is an interesting character. During most games, he's a top 13 quarterback. He'll chuck it up to Steve Smith, he'll hand off with the best of them, and he'll throw about 1.5 TDs to every interception. When the Panthers need a massive play, he'll turn into Jesus Christ incarnate and pull something out of his ass so ridiculous you'll bow down at his feet and swear to the alter of Jake Delhomme.

Those days are over.

On his best day, jake Delhomme is an average quarterback with a top flight receiver. Those days are gone. jake has collapsed. Whatever glue and grit were holding his psyche together are gone. I predict the rise of Matt Moore after the bye week, and we shall all be beholden to his glory as he leads the Panthers to the promised land.

And yay, verily he said what was good.

3. Will DeAngelo repeat his orgasmic 2008 performance?

DeAngelo is the best running back in the history of the Carolina Panthers. As long as they keep handing him the ball, he'll do fine. With the offensive line as amazing as it is, there's no reason he shouldn't get another 1200 yards and 15 touchdowns.

For fun, by FBO standards, he was the best running back in the NFL last year.

4. Will Ryne Robinson turn into the best WR/PR combination in the NFL?

Yes.

5. Where will the traitor Julius Peppers end up?

This is an interesting case. On one hand, at the end of the year, Julius usually has eye popping numbers. On the other, fuck him. He plays only a half of football a game. He line dances with offensive tackles in the second half. He vanished against the Giants. I'm not sure he even showed up to the Cardinals game in the playoffs. He's a quiet dick (like mine oh snap) who doesn't care about the Panthers or anything but himself. Fuck him.

that said, NFL cunt rag Adam Schefter seems to think he'll end up on the Chiefs. As long as the Panthers get some picks in return, I don't care. I want the picks. I want the cap room. I want him gone. Fuck him. FUCK HIM. FUCK HIM!

Julius Peppers, John Fox: Get the hell out

2008-10-20T16:50:00.005-04:00

I seriously hate when the Panthers do well. It confuses me.

If you're like me, you understand that the Panthers are never going to do anything under John Fox. They're way too milquetoast, they never have any emotion, they don't show up to play every week, and their playcalling is pedestrian. They don't blitz, they don't have an identity, and they don't do anything particularly well. About seven times a year, at the end of the game, you look around, clean up the carnage, and wonder how the Panthers A.) won that game and somehow simultaneous B.) missed the playoffs again.

And then a game like this happens.

Seriously, this guy came in.

He dates this.

We should have lost by thirty. This was the best offense in the NFL. Drew Brees was living in the Matrix. The Panthers had previously been torn up by Jeff Garcia and Gus Frerotte, a guy that almost killed himself celebrating a touchdown. Their defense had just shut down the best runnign back in the NFL. The only reason they'd lost was stupid mistakes that the Panthers surely weren't going to force them to make.

And then we went and win by twenty three.

These are the games where Jake Delhomme is unconscious. These are the games when Julius Peppers actually shows up to play. When the defense actually causes havoc at the point of attack. Where our corners react well enough to make up for their mandatory 10 yard cushion on receivers. These are the games that give you hope.

lol hope that works out for you.

Panthers see Jeff Garcia, present quivering asshole

2008-10-12T21:05:00.003-04:00

This is Jeff Garcia. He is the quarterback of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He has also been the QB of the San Francisco 49ers, Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, and Philadelphia Eagles. This is his wife.

She's, of course, a Playboy model with what I'm sure is a fantastic personality. It would seem that Jeff, with a few years rotting in rust belt shit holes, is leading the perfect life. Of course, there's one thing that needs to be mentioned.

Jeff Garcia is gayer than a stack of strawberry pancakes. He's gayer than a three dollar bill. There's nothing wrong with this, of course. Being gay rocks, especially if you're a football player. It'd be like being a lesbian cheerleader. I appreciate the gay contributions to the civil structure. I've often had desert, or wondered where best to place a piece of furniture, or flipped past VH1. However, Jeff Garcia's homosexuality effects me directly, because he has an insatiable appetite for rape, and what he likes to rape are innocent, helpless Panthers.

I should have known the Panthers were going to shit the bed as soon as they named Garcia the starter over Griese, but I held out hope because, well, I'm a fucking sap.

Everyone not named Steve Smith looked god damn awful. The special teams was shit as always, no one could run, blocking was an afterthought, and that little shit midget Warrick Dunn squirted all over the field like a loose one on your socks. Jeff Garcia was able to hit all of his no name receivers wide open in the flat all day, and Jake was just spraying and praying. John Fox had the look of a guy staring down the firing squad with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. It's amazing how a guy that can make Herm Edwards look so inept can turn around a week later and be made to look just the same by a guy who strongly resembles Chucky.

It was an embarrassing display of how not to play football. An emotionless, listless, uninspiring bag of dick.

So basically it's just like every other Panther game

Rhys Lloyd pisses excellence

2008-10-08T17:55:00.002-04:00

This is Rhys Lloyd. As you can see, Rhys Lloyd isn't the most athletic tool in the shed. He has a less developed chest than Keira Knightly, his jersey doesn't even fit, and his gut hangs over his belt. Add on to that he looks like someone who'd be starting racist chants at a Manchester United game. He's never fully shaved, a careless cigarette flick could set his hair on fire, and if you listen carefully after kickoffs, you can hear him mutter under his breath "fookin cunts" while he takes a swig from a carefully concealed flask.

All that said, he's a fucking god amongst men for the five or six times he gets to go out there during a game and flex the majesty of that leg of his. He's 11th in total kickoffs, 7 behind the league leader, but is tied for first with Matt Prater with 11 touch backs. Keep in mind that Prater is a Bronco, which means he gets to kick in the fucking stratosphere. I could trip and tumble into the ball and send it 40 yards at Mile High. Not only that, he jumps around like Eurotrash whenever he gets a touchback and they play that Olay, olay olay olay song.

And as a world traveller, yes, Soccer generally is that gay.

I tried to find a video of him and this came up, so I'm just assuming this is him.

Some other fun facts you may not have known about Rhys Lloyd.

Nigel "The Leg" Gruff from The Replacements was loosely based on Lloyd's life. They even tracked down an actor named Rhys to play him.
His team mates called him "Winston Churchill" who was pretty cool and defeated the Nazis
He went to Minnesota.
Wait never mind there's nothing fun about Minnesota.
According to this article, he's only kicking at like 80 percent. Will we ever get to see him go all out? Maybe, in the future, when the planet needs him.....

Well I guess I'll start this shit again.

2008-08-08T14:21:00.003-04:00

Well I guess I should start doing this again. I got caught up in the whole going to school and getting a degree and going to paris and doing drugs thing but now i guess i'll do this since I've got absolutely nothing else to do.

That reminds me, if you know of where I can work in nyc that doesn't involve flipping burgers or pouring coffee I'd love to know.

Anyhoo, I'll spare you a recap of the offseason and the Steve Smith beat down because I'm sure you're completely over it. I'll be liveblogging, i mean drinking, at the game tomorrow. I guess I'm going to list a few things I, personally, am going to be watching as our beloved Panthers go up against Jim Sorgi and a shit ton of bench warmers.

Just how bad can Jake Delhomme look?

- With his surgically repaired elbow, Steve Smith, and the return of his real favorite target in Muhsin Muhammad, the REAL question is just how many times can Jake overthrow the ball. Jake has an uncanny ability to either chuck the ball ten yards out of bounds or three hop it to wide open receivers in the flats. With his new elbow, we'll have to see how long it takes him to adjust and return to his normal levels of mediocrity.

Just how many of our major acquisitions can miss this game?

- It wouldn't be a Panthers season without spending a bunch of free agency money and draft picks on players who don't really care to see the field. This year it seems we really outdid ourselves, signing a WR who couldn't stay healthy enough to play badminton and drafting a running back that everyone knew wasn't ready to play.

Wanna know how serious this is?

Ian Scott - out
Charles Spencer - out
Labrandon toefield - out
Darwin Walker - out
Johnathan Stewart - out
DJ Hackett - out

On top of that, Beason, Gamble, Lucas (lol), and Harris are all out, so essentially all our best players, and by best I mean the only ones worth a shit. Basically we'll be lucky enough to see Sorgi do his Peyton Manning impression, watch Jake throw a pathetic interception, and then see studs like Travis Taylor and Ricardo Colclough shit all over the field. CAN'T WAIT!

Exactly how lame will the new Panthers on the sideline look like?

- A random panther fan from alaska took time away from cooking meth in his mom's trailer to harass Jerry Richardson into putting a couple of Panther heads on the field at some point. I'm not sure what he thinks this would accomplish but I'm certain the effort could have been spent much better, like by begging Jerry to never let his son touch the team, or to hire a competent coaching staff.

The question to me is just how much Jerry is going to blow off this hick from a former Russian colony. I'm hoping for as big a slap into his face as possible, like telling him the heads are unfortunately under the tarp or something like that.

How expensive will the beer be?

- Early vegas line is at 8.50 a beer. Keep in mind in Paris a bottle of wine that's 15% ABV costs less than a bottle of water, and yet here we are paying out the nose for what's essentially yellow water.

I'm sure some other things will happen but who fucking cares. Fox will probably run all of the plays he has to win a meaningless game because he cares about these things. Someone will most likely blow out their knee and Carolina's spiral into 6 wins will begin again.

Oh well, go Panthers!

Mike Florio: Is there anyone worse?

2008-06-01T15:16:00.003-04:00

This chromosome-heavy man child is Mike Florio, editor of ProFootballTalk. And when I say editor, I mean cook, because essentially all he does is throw wet noodles at the wall and try to decipher what they mean. Keep in mind, Florio is the one who two years ago claimed Steve Smith was faking an injury to get a better contract.

Well, when he's not pulling shit out of thing air, he's doing something worse; trying to analyze teams. This guy is a Washington fan, so obviously he knows nothing about the sport, and we should just all be grateful we don't have to deal with his Redskins' inferiority complex.

Anyhoo, he predicts the Panthers as one of six teams that will FAIL in 2008, which I agree with because Carolina is terrible and has no defensive line. However, that simple reason wasn't good enough for Mike, possibly because his Ouija board disagreed.

Once again, the Panthers look solid on paper, especially with a pair of first-round picks in running back Jonathan Stewart and offensive tackle Jeff Otah. But Carolina GM Marty Hurney still hasn’t done anything to establish a receiving threat across from Steve Smith or provide depth at quarterback behind Jake Delhomme, whose star is in danger of burning out for good.

Whhhaaaaaaatttttttt the fuck? Didn't establish a receiving corps opposite Steve Smith? Let's talk about a couple of things here Mike Florio. Firstly, Muhsin Muhammad and DJ Hackett are football players. Football players that play wide receiver. Football players that play wide receiver that the Panthers signed in the off season to play wide receiver. Instead of not addressing it like you seem to think happened, they went out and got two of the best options that were on the market.

Also keep in mind that when Steve Smith won the triple crown for receiving in 2005, you know who his receiving corp was?

Keary Fucking Colbert was on the other side of the field. A guy the Panthers instructed they wouldn't resign. The second leading receiver on the team that year was Deshaun Foster, a running back. So even if Mike somehow didn't notice that the Panthers had brought in two pretty good receivers, it doesn't really even matter since Steve Smith has been doing it his entire career without any help.

Then he brings up the Quarterback issue, and as we all know, there is a backup QB on this team, almost certainly the QB of the future, and he has balls made of steel and a heart made of the finest whiskey.

But why should Mike Florio know anything about Matt Moore? After all, he's got a shitty SEC quarterback and 49 year old Todd Collins, neither of which could beat Seattle which is something Matt Moore proved very doable.

Erection status: throbbing

2008-05-06T10:48:00.003-04:00

I think it's pretty well known for the eight or nine people that read this blog that I'm a pretty big fan of Matt Moore. Well, check out this little blurb from the Charlotte Observer.

The play looked like a bust. Chased by defenders, Matt Moore scrambled to his left and threw across his body while on the run.
About 30 yards downfield, receiver Ryne Robinson made a diving catch in the corner of the end zone.
Touchdown.

What you fools don't realize is this is Matt Moore like every day. He's all like, "Hm, what am I going to to today? Oh yeah, throw touchdown passes. Get over here, bitches."

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.

2008-05-05T10:57:00.002-04:00

Apparently Jake Delhomme is not only recovering ahead of schedule, but his arm is stronger than before.

Delhomme’s right arm didn’t seem to bother him at all during the three-day minicamp which concluded Sunday, leaving coach John Fox feeling optimistic that he won’t have any problems this season.
“He’s looked very, very good,” Fox said. “His arm looks stronger than it has ever looked.”
Delhomme said he was “extremely pleased” with how things went this weekend.
“Things are going well,” he said. “We're on a good program right now and things are on the right course.”

If you go here, you can even see him throwing.

What this means, of course, is now he'll be able to over throw Steve Smith instead of chucking up a wounded duck that barely gets to the receiver. Now the safety will have to pick him off instead of the corner playing zone.

The draft that could have been.

2008-04-29T12:59:00.003-04:00

With their first pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers select, Chris Williams, Offensive Tackle, Vanderbilt.

With their second pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers select, Trevor Laws, Defensive Tackle, Notre Dame.
LATER THAT DAY.....

Pat Yasinskas: Coach! Coach! Tell us about the draft!

Fox: Well, I mean, it is what it is. We went into the draft wanting to address our line play, and I think we did that.

Tom Sorensen Coach, tell us, was it hard to pass on Joe Flacco, or moving up to take Ryan?

Fox: You're a fucking dumbass.

Steve Reed: Tell us about Chris Williams

Fox: Well, we wanted to try taking important positions from good schools instead of, you know, grabbing the best player from Conference USA. They tell me this SEC has a lot of good players. I don't know, I'm too busy playing with puzzles on Saturday, but I trust my guys.

Darin Gantt: Then why did you draft a player from Notre Dame?

Fox: Well, they played Michigan.

Darin Gantt: So did Appalachian State.

All: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT APPALACHIAN STATE

Fox: I think a lot of what this off season was about was returning to 2003 form. And if you'll remember, back then, we had a guy named Brentson Buckner, who wasn't really that good, but he had a lot of intensity, and it showed. He could really get Peppers fired up. I'm not even sure Kemo speaks English, so, you know, we needed a guy that could tell Julius he was a vagina every other play.

Wojn.....: Tell us about grabbing Jonathan Stewart in the third.

Fox: Well, any time a player of that caliber drops that low, you have to grab him. Yes, there are some durability issues, especially since our doctors operated on him. I think that scared a lot of teams away. We are the ones who ruined Patrick Jeffers' career, after all.

I can't think of anyone else: Most important thing about this draft.

Fox: Well, I'm sure you all know we're on the hot seat here and probably won't be making the picks next year. We just wanted to be sure not to rock the boat, so to speak. It'd be kinda assholish of us to trade back into the first, sacrificing 2009 picks, and sabotaging the next coach, whoever that might be.

Draft round up round up.

2008-04-28T06:44:00.003-04:00

This is rotoworld's Evan Silva. Keep in mind, rotoworld is a pretty big site as far as the BLOGOSPHERE goes. Which means it's small and insignificent. It's sponsored by NBC and has a partnership with that steaming back of shit Mike Florio. He probably never watches the Panthers. In fact, it doesn't look like this guy has ever watched football. He's most likely too busy buying Crocs or something. Anyway, he had this to say about the Panthers' draft

Carolina Panthers
Grade: B-

The Panthers have to like what they came away with (Jonathan Stewart and Jeff Otah) on day one, but giving up a 2009 first-round pick, a second-rounder, and a fourth-rounder was a bit much. Still, these players are pretty close to sure things and will help immediately. Third-round Iowa CB Charles Godfrey will convert to free safety. Penn State LB Dan Connor was a tremendous value in round three. Louisville TE Gary Barnidge could compete to start once he bulks up. Wisconsin's Nick Hayden is a try-hard defensive tackle.

I mean, not bad. Not terrible. He at least seems to understand what the Panthers gave up, and unlike the idiots on ESPN didn't think that Dan Conner was drafted to be a replacement to Dan Morgan. So this guy who is a contributing writer to what is basically the sports world equivalent of Barry Jive and the Uptown Five wrote this very satisfactory blurb about a team he doesn't cover. JUST REMEMBER THIS OKAY.

Let's see what ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in Sports, deferring to a guy who used to FUCKING COVER THE PANTHERS, has to say.

After taking a calm and conservative approach to personnel through their first six years, Carolina general manager Marty Hurney and coach John Fox took a big leap that could end up making or breaking them. After adding Oregon running back Stewart at No. 13, the Panthers traded back into the first round to pick up Otah.
The cost was huge: Carolina gave up its first-round pick in 2009 to Philadelphia as well as second- and fourth-round picks this year. It's always dicey when you sacrifice your future for the present. But hey, what do Fox and Hurney have to lose?
If Otah works out and the Panthers get to the playoffs, they'll look like geniuses. If not, they'll be gone and the lack of a first-round pick will be somebody else's problem next year.

Hmmm, no shit. Really went on on a limb there didn't you Pat. Maybe you should have talked about how they also drafted some more players in the third, or how they signed a wide receiver in the off season. I like Pat Yasinskas and all but dear god what he writes about the Panthers is repetitive.

State the obvious
End it ominously
Profit

Mel Kiper, official hair care product enthusiast, did his usual hand - job - athon where no one gets lower than a C-.

The future is now in Carolina, which gave up its first-round pick in 2009 to trade back into this year's first round and draft offensive tackle Jeff Otah. Jonathan Stewart is a workhorse running back and Dan Connor is a real nice pick in the third round. I like the Panthers' picks on Day 2, highlighted by Iowa CB Charles Godfrey, who I thought was the best player on the board heading into Day 2. Tight end Gary Barnidge, who they picked in the fifth round, catches everything thrown his way, although he is not much of a blocker. Hilee Taylor has a very good motor at OLB, Geoff Schwartz is an overachieving OL and G Mackenzy Bernadeau out of Bentley has a good chance to make the team. I didn't like seeing them give up a future first-round pick, and Stewart does have some durability concerns, but this was a good draft for the Panthers.

Meh. Hilee Taylor played defensive end at Carolina and I'm not sure Mel knows that the Panthers don't play a 3-4. I honestly doubt he does. A lot more of rehashing the same shit. Listen, every Panthers fan knows they gave up a lot, and any non fan reading that Panthers blurb most likely knows as well. Also Mel Kiper on Television called that random ass tight end Gary Barnidge the next Jay Novacek. Yeah, and I'm getting a blowjob from Natalie Portman as we speak.

Scott Fowler is working hard for the money.

If you pull one thread the wrong way on the upcoming season -- specifically, if Delhomme's throwing elbow doesn't recover or Julius Peppers remains Julius Average or the injury buzz saw starts whirring again -- it could unravel quickly. By next season, Fox and general manager Marty Hurney could be gone and Bill Cowher could be grumbling about the fact he doesn't have a 2009 first-round draft choice because Fox and Hurney traded it away Saturday.

Fowler didn't wait long to pull the Cowher card. Also, guys, if Jake gets hurt, we may not make the playoffs. That's right. A team may be hurt by losing its starting quarterback. Shocking, I know. Also look at this piece of hard hitting appeal to emotion.

Then again, Eric Shelton looked good on paper. So did Jason Peter, Dwayne Jarrett and Rae Carruth. The Panthers have made lousy and lovely picks throughout their history, but have never strung together quite enough good picks to win a Super Bowl.

Yeah, how did not John Fox and Marty Hurney not anticipate Rae Carruth's propensity for murdering pregnant girlfriends. Nevermind that Fox was still a coach with Oakland at the time and Hurney was a beat writer for the fucking Redskins.

Just trust me when I say that Tom Sorenesen's article was pure shit.

I'm going to end this on a quote from our new running back Jonathan Stewart.

I'm an explosive, powerful runner. I run north and south but mostly more north

Run any way you want, man.

Instead of drafting for need, the Panthers are drafting for candy

2008-04-27T11:41:00.002-04:00

This Panthers' draft has kinda like been playing Russian Roulette. We're just hoping that the BPA available actually fits a need and if not lets just pull the trigger and hope there's an empty space later.

I'm using this simile because I couldn't find a picture of two thousand dollar rims on a pinto.

What in the blue fuck are they thinking here? Okay, they actually grab a safety at the top of the third. That's nice. Charles Godfrey is built like a brick shit house and is fast enough to play behind Chris Harris. And then here comes Pat Sims, a giant motherfucker from Auburn.

Jesus Christ this mother fucker is as big as a house! And he's so awesome men try to grab his junk during the game.

Anyway we decided to pass on him, a need, a good player, for......Dan Conner? A shit head from Penn State? Why the fuck do we need a linebacker? We've got eleven of them! We addressed that in the off season?! You stupid bastards, just because the third is on the second day now doesn't mean THIS ISN'T THE THIRD ROUND.

This team is going to be 7-9 because we won't be able to stop anyone, and going 7-9 in the NFC South is really like -3 and 19.

Alright here's my analysis of what just happened today.

2008-04-26T19:13:00.002-04:00

That was pretty horrible. I was in a very dark place for a while. The thought of another Sean Gilbert scenario with trading away picks made me want to vomit. Generally you don't trade away first rounders unless it's for a VERY proven commodity. Trading a 2009 first to get back into the 2008 first to draft someone you passed on just makes no sense to me. So he wasn't worth a first this year, but he was worth a first NEXT year, plus a second and a fourth? Jesus Christ.

Anyway, let's try to rationalize this.

The Panthers had four needs at the start of the day. They need an offense and defense tackle, as well as a defensive end. That's where there first round pick had to go.

The draft worked out.....oddly. Both good defensive tackles, Ellis and Dorsey, were off the board. Jacksonville had already made what many were saying was the dumbest trade of the draft (ha!) to grab Harvey. Clady had just gone off the board. That means that the best offensive tackle, and also most likely the best player on our board period, was probably Chris Williams.

Then they noticed Johnathan Stewart sitting there.

I guess I can see the logic here. Johnathan Stewart is basically a young Jamal Lewis before the cocaine and prison rape. The NFL is definitely moving to (if it's not already there) a running back by committee style. Both Super Bowl teams played about thirteen running backs a piece. Stewart is pretty much a monster. He can fill the role that Stephen Davis did in 2003 and to a lesser extent in 2005.

Then....good christ I'm not sure what happened. I guess they realized that after Otah the level of talent in the tackle pool was completely non existent. They also must think that they have the talent to compete this year and that there wasn't anyone worth their attention in the second round that could compete right away. Also that their first rounder next year won't be worth that much. Their first rounders after going to the playoffs have been an underachieving CB and a RB they seem dead set against play.

Overall, this is very strange and out of character for Fox and Hurney. They've moved up before (with Gamble) but never to this degree, and generally they've been ones to get more picks, not sacrifice them. They're getting some guy who, while being an absolute physical monster, is straight out of fucking Nigeria who has been playing organized football for about twenty minutes.

This was a huge fucking gamble for Fox, and it's obvious that he realizes he's on the hot seat. As my buddy noted, "Fox just went all in with a jack and ten suited." He's right.

Keep in mind, John. If this doesn't work I'm going to fucking find you.

What the fuck did we just give up.

2008-04-26T17:14:00.002-04:00

UPDATE: Oh my god we got raped

On one hand, we got this faggot

Now what the christ did we give up for him, John.

I...uh, what?

2008-04-26T16:48:00.002-04:00

So instead of addressing an actual need like LT, where there were three good ones available to them, the Panthers decided to draft in the first round Johnathan Stewart, running back out of Oregon State.

I almost predicted this; my computer just spit out the wrong Pac-10 skill player.

I can't really describe how terrible of a pick this is. The Panthers essentially ignored their most glaring needs to take a guy where they were fine. They've basically told DeAngelo Williams that even though they know how good he is, that he averaged 5.1 yards a carry, that he led the team in rushing yards as a backup, he's still not good enough for them.

Basically the Panthers are all faggots.

Cowher 09

Guess who's back. Back again.

2008-04-25T00:16:00.004-04:00

Welcome back to the third best sarcastic blog on the internet dedicated to the Carolina Panthers! The other two are kind midget porn sites but dammit if they don't get the Panthers right sometimes. I've just aced* all of my finals and it's time for me to waste the hours at the aquarium by bitching about every single the Panthers do. And this is just in time for the 2008 NFL draft, which I may be blogging live from! And by live from the draft, I mean a bar in Atlanta where I'll be stealing internet from the Maaco across the street. Anyhoo, let's see what the experts are saying!

Darin Gantt says...

The longer this goes, I think the best scenario for the Panthers to go OL in the first if they move up or down. If they stay put (unless Clady or Albert slips), it looks more like RB or DE. Of course, I've got a hunch they might make a move up if Sedrick Ellis is within reach, which could make the early blocker talk moot.

Basically the Panthers need to draft Offensive Tackle or Defensive Tackle. That's it. The flat out don't have anyone to play LT right now. Travelle Wharton has decided he can't handle the pressure and is moving to guard. Jordan Gross is better on the right side. Jeremy Bridges is useless without a gun. At DT, they have Kemo's worthless ass and a third down pass rusher. At least they signed someone at DE (Tyler Brayton). They've got literally nothing at Defensive Tackle and that shit has to be addressed. Unfortunately, Darin is the only one that got it right.

I've read all kinds of theories about who the Panthers are going to draft. Derrick Harvey is going to come in and be that starting RDE for years to come and eventually take over for Peppers once his syphilis becomes too much to bare. Matt Ryan is the QB of the future even though Jake Delhomme is almost fully recovered and Matt Moore is too busy being awesome. Maybe we can draft another running back like Johnathan Stewart because damn we haven't had enough injury prone running backs who beat up on weak competition in the Pac - 10.

Fuck it. It's time for me to bust out my Panthers' computer to figure this out.

Alright, time to input our data.

No Preferences with Conference: Fox and Hurney haven't really shown a propensity towards one conference or the other when it comes to their first pick in the first round. Since 2002, they've gone ACC, Mountain West, Big 10, SEC, Conference USA, and ACC. They're pretty much all over the place. So it's not like Atlanta drafting almost exclusively out of Virginia Tech or anything.

Will move around on Draft Day: With both Chris Gamble and Jon Beason, the Panthers moved around in the first to get their guy. Now they've only done this twice, but it shows they're not afraid to do it. Unlike San Francisco who was so terrified of trading on draft day that they ending up getting Alex Smith. How's that working out shit heads.

Don't necessarily draft for need: Neither Chris Gamble, DeAngelo Williams, or Thomas Davis were really need picks. The Panthers had just got to the Super Bowl with Ricky Manning Jr. and his merry band of assholes when they decided they just couldn't let Chris Gamble sit there. They still had Deshaun Foster when they took Williams in the first, and Thomas Davis was brought in to play fucking safety. They definitely have a penchant for the best player available.

Not Afraid to Reach....for shit: Like stated above, Chris Gamble shouldn't have been drafted.....at all. Still the Panthers felt he was a first rounder. Thomas Davis probably should have gone lower, even though he's turned into a damn fine linebacker.

Let me just stick all that into the computer, wind the crank a little bit, and uh, hmm, let's get this going......

DESHAUN JACKSON

Oh my god no.

Well, I guess it makes sense. They really love Pac - 10 receivers (Colbert, Jarrett, Keyshawn), they like to reach, and it doesn't fill a position of need.

You may laugh now but just wait until we line up Smith - Moose - Hackett - Jackson - Robinson - Jarrett next year in the first 6 WR formation.

Oh god.

DJ Hackett is ready to blow you away

2008-03-19T13:02:00.001-04:00

Panthers give fans reason for the ticket increase; bring in DJ Hackett

2008-03-17T14:28:00.003-04:00

By some act of god the Panthers signed DJ Hackett for peanuts.

Panthers agreed to terms with WR D.J. Hackett on a two-year, $3.5 million contract, according to Scout.com's Adam Caplan.
While Hackett has dealt with injuries, he's been highly productive when healthy and is only 26. In Carolina, he becomes the top candidate to start opposite Steve Smith with Muhsin Muhammad likely working from the slot. Dwayne Jarrett will compete with Ryne Robinson to be the fourth receiver. Hackett has vertical and red-zone ability and should draw some attention away from Smith. His addition is good news for all Panthers skill players besides Jarrett. Expect solid WR3/4 numbers if Hackett starts. Mar. 17 - 12:16 pm et

Marty Hurney must have pictures of DJ Hackett fucking a goat or something because that's less of a contract than Ashley Lelie got for Christ's sake.

Apparently Hackett really likes Charlotte for some reason and wants to play with Steve Smith. The coolest thing about this is the Panthers could go four wide with Smith, Hackett, Moose, and Ryne with DeAngelo chilling in the backfield.

Jake will have tons of weapons until his knee explodes next year.

D.J. Hackett does drugs

2008-03-15T09:50:00.002-04:00

Apparently DJ Hakett does serious blow or something because the thinks the Panthers are a contender.

"His goal is to play for a playoff contender and he thinks the Panthers will be that with their quarterback (Jake Delhomme) healthy again," agent Kevin Robinson said. "And he really thinks Charlotte is a nice area."
Hackett would be a huge boost for Carolina, giving the team a No. 2 receiver opposite Steve Smith.

I really don't see the point of signing him when the Panthers are clearly in a rebuilding year, but I guess Jerry has to justify jacking up ticket prices again.

"Jerry, Jerry, what's going to make this 7-9 season better then all the other ones?"

"Well, we've got bigger scoreboards this year!"

According to the Seahawks team page, he's married, which makes sense because Charlotte is apparently the married man's paradise, what with the complete lack of good strip clubs and all. I guess it's a good signing since Dwayne Jarrett is a drunken cock sucker and all, but still, who cares. Hackett plays like four games and Carolina of course doesn't expect its players to stay healthy so this is a perfect fit.

If they give him more that 5mil over 2 years with a team option for a third at 4mil then I will be pissed.

Hartwig cut; Tickeyts lying on the shelf in Atlanta

2008-03-11T18:40:00.003-04:00

The Panthers decided to cut dead, useless, injured weight with a stupid hair cut.

Panthers released C Justin Hartwig.
Ryan Kalil will start at center. The Panthers had planned on having Hartwig slide over to the guard, but he was never keen on the idea so they tried to trade him. When they couldn't find a taker, they cut the injury-prone lineman. The move clears up $2.1 million in salary cap space. Keydrick Vincent should win the guard job, but Geoff Hangartner will also get a shot.

Hartwig couldn't stay healthy, probably because he's a giant vagina. He's so bad he makes Kemo'eatu not be the worst free agent signing of 2006 which is almost unimaginable. He was a little bitch about moving to guard so Fox was like "lata bitch."

I guess this means Kalil plays center now, which is kind of scary because it didn't look last season like he'd ever been on a football field before. I have the feeling Kalil would be more comfortable selling discount tires or something. Also, Hangartner better win the guard position. All that fucker does is be awesome and gets absolutely no respect.

Also, take your time buying Panthers tickets for the game in Atlanta.

Falcons re-signed Joey Harrington to an undisclosed contract, according to NFL Network's Adam Schefter.
Getting cut in a salary cap move, then re-signing less than a week later is a sign your NFL juice is gone. Harrington made the right move to return, because he still has a legitimate chance at starting over Chris Redman or a rookie to be named later. He can be a capable backup, but tends to fade when he starts for long stretches. Mar. 11 - 5:47 pm et

Nothing reenergizes a fan base like resigning the shitty QB you just cut that not even Al Davis would sign. The Falcons have pretty much stopped caring at this point and who can really blame them? You can't give Falcons tickets away these days. Homeless people are burning them in drums when they get cold, and people get cold here when it's like seventy degrees so that's a lot of tickets.

Dwayne Jarrett is rolling. You hating.

2008-03-11T12:52:00.004-04:00

Dwayne Jarrett's dumb ass got pulled over for a DWI last night.

What the hell is wrong with this stupid bastard.

Alright, last year this really hot chick I know who basically sluts around all the Charlotte clubs (yeah there's like three) says she saw him all the time in the preseason at whatever club, drinking the place dry and throwing cash around like he made more than 1 million dollars.

Also the rumor I hear is that he's broke as shit. He was probably high off Nyquil when he got pulled over.

Charles Chandler is stupid; eats wall paste

2008-03-10T06:28:00.003-04:00

Okay so I was really focusing on my schoolwork (watching porn) when I saw this.

Panthers | Team will likely draft a RB
Sun, 9 Mar 2008 18:47:33 -0700 Charles Chandler, of the Charlotte Observer, reports the Carolina Panthers will likely draft a running back during the 2008 NFL Draft.

Surely this had to be a mistake so I ran over to the Charlotte Observer's website and, after suffering through about thirty ads for dick enlargement pills saw, to my horror....nothing. I couldn't find this anywhere. Actually, it's more like I can't find it. Because I didn't do any research before I started writing this. I just sorta stopped eating Cheerios for a minute and began to type. Um, hm, well, don't want to delete what I've written already.

Let me just say this; to everyone that thinks the Panthers are going to draft a running back in the first round, you should go jump off a bridge or something. That's the last thing Hurney needs in his ear. This is the greatest running back draft the NFL has ever seen. They're probably going to accidentally draft a Hall of Famer in round sixth just like everyone else. It will turn out the faceless tight end we draft in the fifth was actually a running back in high school and will go nuts one day.

The Panthers need offensive line help. Chandler is right, if not a little uninspired and uncreative. The Panthers are going to draft a running back. However, if they draft one in the first, with all the more glaring now that Foster is finally off the team, they will be just as dumb as I pretend they are on here. They need a left tackle, not a fucking backup running back.

And now, um, this.

Listen I'm busy with school.

2008-03-05T02:14:00.001-05:00

So fuck off for a bit. Quit emailing me. I have to finish my theatre degree so I can serve you pancakes.

David Carr gone. Ridiculous rumors ahoy.

2008-02-28T13:11:00.008-05:00

Firstly, as we all know, David Carr was finally let go. This is the motto from here on out. We never mention him again and pretend it never happened. Focus on this picture and then move the fuck on.

Now, on to completely unsourced and rampant rumor mongering.

And New England free agent Randy Moss, he of the 98 catches and 23 TDs last season and easily the top wideout available, is not even on Panthers fans' radar. But one NFL insider has a very different take on things.
"New England didn't franchise Randy, so they'll make a long-term offer," he said. "But they don't usually overpay guys. Say they offer him $50 million over five years with $20 million guaranteed (in bonus money). Not a bad deal, right? But somebody out there will top it.

"Carolina has freed up a lot of cap space with all the guys they've cut recently. Suppose they offer Randy a 6-year, $60 million deal with $25 million guaranteed? Now, if the difference is one or two million, Moss probably gives the Patriots a discount and goes back. But $5 million extra guaranteed? These guys have egos. And he knows that Carolina has been working aggressively to get better. Who's to say he doesn't make the move?"

I will address this in one of two ways. The second will be as my usual cheery self. The first will be as a dipshit realgm.com boarder.

OH MY GOD this WOuld be fucking sweet!!!!! I did this trade in madden and let me tell you I had jake delhomme throwing for like 5000 yards and 56 touchdowns! i def think this would open up the game for our running game but we still need to draft a running back because deangelo acnt carry the load. also there are going to be a lot of good quarterbakcs in the draft so i think if we trade up to get two first rounders we can take mcfadden and matt ryan. with moss and smitty to throw to sueprbowl baby!!!!

Alright, now as myself.

No way in fucking hell this happens.

Firstly the Panthers have like three linemen and need an entirely new defensive line. They'd be stupid to put that much money into a position that isn't vital to what they apparently want to do now, which is run. they would affectively be wasting a 2nd round draft pick from last year because what kind of message does that send to Dwayne Jarrett? And where the fuck would you put moose? why sign him then go around and sign a number one?

Plus, Steve Smith couldn't handle that. he's the most competitive guy in the world. he once killed a guy who cut in front of him at chuckee cheese. true story.

Darin Gantt: Kris Jenkins' fat ass is gone

2008-02-27T12:35:00.002-05:00

With the trading period beginning in earnest on Friday, it seems like Darin Gantt has heard a little bird talking about a player that's going to be out the door.

OK, now that they've taken care of their tackles, cut the deadwood and brought back Muhsin Muhammad, the next question is simply what's next.

You're probably going to have to wait until Friday to find out, because that's when the trading period begins, but from the sounds of things there is a market for Kris Jenkins.

Trading DTs is suddenly the rage, with Detroit offering up Shaun Rogers and the Jets trying to move Dewayne Robertson. You could make an argument that Jenkins is the best of the three, though Robertson's got more good years left.

Well, shit. There goes another member of the 2003 team. Basically after Rucker finally gives up the entire defense will have turned over with the exception of Julius Peppers, and that version barely shows up anymore. Kind of a sobering reality about life in the NFL.

Anyway, who are the candidates? Who has made the trade? What are we going to get? Luckily, I have a machine that is going to tell us the future.

She doesn't look like much, but she's got it where it counts. I've made a lot of special modifications.

Alright, let's type in the data.

-

=

.
..
...

Oh my god.

That's right.

The Panthers are trading the rights for Kris Jenkins to the Washington Redskins in exchange for the rights to Tom Cruise.

Panthers going for nostalgia, good times

2008-02-26T11:41:00.004-05:00

Carolina pissed all of us off yesterday when their "big" free agent signing was Stephen Davis, running back here from 2003-2005.

The Panthers are expected to sign Stephen Davis to a deal which will allow the Spartanburg native to retire with his hometown team.

Also Monday, the Panthers completed contract restructurings with cornerback Ken Lucas and defensive tackle Maake Kemoeatu, gave the low restricted free agent tender of $927,000 to offensive lineman Evan Mathis, and signed a pair of exclusive rights free agents, running back Alex Haynes and safety C.J. Wilson, to one-year deals.

This is significant because....well, I don't really know why it's significant. It's kinda cool, I guess. Whatever gives the middle finger to Washington I'm a fan of. He basically carried the team to the playoffs until he went out in the Super Bowl and let Jake learn on the fly, so for that you can't hate him. But let's not stop there. Let's get REAL fucking nostalgic!

TODD STEUSSIE

You don't have to look very hard for a picture of Steussie holding. What you don't see here is he was actually offsides on this play as well. Why in the world we ever thought he was worth a big free agent contract is beyond me. He is living proof that steroids don't always make you better.

Rod Smart and Jarrod Cooper

I think it was the worst kept secret in Houston that year that these two were gay as fuck. Cooper was practically tonguing Rod Smart the entire time. By this time Jarrod was a far ways off from the guy who took off his helmet on the field before throwing a first punch. Smart was pretty useless as a kick return guy and for some reason didn't try to lateral it on the last play. I remember once reading a quote by Smart where he said in a few years he was going to be one of the top running backs in the NFL. He had his chance to start the next year when every running back in the world got hurt for the Panthers. What'd he do? Last one carry.

Still the fans loved them and Smart could grow his fro back out and all would be well.

Sam Mills

Yeah I know he's dead but can you think of anyone more beloved in the history of the Panthers than Sam Mills? They could just exhume his body and prop it on the sideline and people would pay.

Honestly there's not much happening now and I feel like I'm just throwing shit against the wall so I'm going back to sleep.

In lieu of Panthers' news, check out my sweet political burn.

2008-02-25T08:22:00.001-05:00

I made this video about Hillary, who is much like David Carr. Check out that wicked sweet burn i had on her at the end.

Careful or I'll point my awesome burn gun at you.

Deshaun Foster video tribute.

2008-02-22T18:13:00.001-05:00

I promised it and here it is!

Wha-? Where am I? What happened?

2008-02-22T11:13:00.003-05:00

Mmmm, what happened? Oh god, my head hurts. Jesus Christ. Hold on a second.

Wait, coffee isn't going to fix this. Hold on.

Alright, that did the trick. It's all starting to come back to me; the alcohol, the strippers, the blow. I was celebrating.......something. What was it? What was that great thing again? Hmmmm, maybe if I check the internet I'll find an answer!

The Panthers released RB DeShaun Foster Thursday, apparently unable to find anyone willing to give up anything for him.

They cleared a $4.75 million chunk of salary cap space with the move, room they needed after sinking $7.455 million in RT Jordan Gross' franchise tag.

As much as they liked Foster, it was easy to see based on the structure of this contract this was coming.

Oh my fucking god.

If you want a serious read on this, head on over to Cat Scratch Reader. Being serious isn't what I'm all about. He's got fancy things like statistics, charts, and class. That's really not my style.

What is my style is talking about how fucking incredible it is that we're finally free of this fucking disease on the team. It's not Deshaun Foster's fault. He's probably a nice guy. John Fox just couldn't bench him. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience when I say that sometimes the only way to stop cheating on your girlfriend is to murder the stripper you keep seeing and in this case Deshaun Foster is Lola. Fox just couldn't leave him alone.

Where the Panthers go from here is fucking obvious: the Super Bowl. DeAngelo Williams is going to break every record in the world next year. All those years I have on Madden where I set it to Rookie with 12 minute quarters and run DeAngelo every time? Yeah, it's going to be like that. One time I broke ten thousand yards and 120 touchdowns in a season doing that. That'll be DWizzle at the halfway point.

I made a video for Deshaun that will be posted later tonight. In the meantime, time to start drinking again!

Hurney: We're not NOT going to look at Alge and Moose

2008-02-20T08:05:00.004-05:00

He's a complicated man, and no one understands him but John Fox...

MARTY HURNEY!

Daaaaaaaaaaamn straight.

Oh yeah, he's also spoken from the combine at Indianapolis. I'm glad he took time from looking at shitty skill position players from inferior conferences to share this tidbit with us.

CHARLOTTE -- Carolina Panthers general manager Marty Hurney said he plans to inquire about two well-known veteran players who were officially released by other teams on Tuesday -- tight end Alge Crumpler and receiver Muhsin Muhammad.
"That is definitely something we will look into," Hurney said last night from the Scouting Combine in Indianapolis. "But I think we will do that with everybody that comes across that we think can help us."
While that doesn't mean the Panthers will sign either player, it's at least a signal they are intrigued.

First, let's look at Algernon.

Crumpler, who was released by Atlanta, is a Greenville, N.C., native who played for the Tar Heels in college. There could be added pressure to go after Crumpler now that defending NFC South champion Tampa Bay has said they plan to go after him.

All the reasons this makes sense:

From Wilmington
Julius Peppers' realest nigga, yo
Wanted to play for Carolina originally before Shit Smear Land drafted him
Could help teach Donte Rosario

All of those are reasons, of course, we won't sign him. We'll probably give Ayanbadejo a max contract instead or something ridiculous like that. Honestly, how does Hurney go to sleep when there's something so glaringly obvious sitting on the table. He probably hast to look at this a lot to relax himself.

Now, on to Moose. Oh Moose, the good old days...

LOL, look at Eugene Wilson eating shit there. Boy, that's prophetic.

Muhammad, cut by Chicago, spent seven seasons with Carolina and still owns a home in Charlotte and has ties to the area and still runs some charitable organizations here.

Listen, is Moose fast anymore? No. Is he particularly good? Not really. Did he only have three really good seasons in Carolina? Kinda.

Do I still want the guy I cheered for as a kid back on the team? Abso-fuckin-lutely.

He can block, he can occasionally catch something, he's not Keary Colbert, and Jake Delhomme loves him. Hell, Steve Smith loves him. Fuck, all of Charlotte loves him! He also had the best United Way commercial ever and of course it's not on youtube but it was just him painting a wall with a bunch of kids and the announcer says, "This is Muhsin Muhammad, the greatest receiver ever" then Moose turns around like "yeah you know" and winks.

It was fucking awesome.

Carrpocalypse Now

2008-02-18T09:43:00.005-05:00

I've seen the quarterback horror. Quarterback horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a troll. You have no right to call me a troll. You have a right to flame me. You have a right to do that, but you have no right to judge me . It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what quarterback horror means. Quarterback horror. Quaterback horror has a face, and you must make a friend of horror.

Quarterback horror and mortal terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies.

I remember when it was the Super Bowl team--it seems a thousand centuries ago--we went into Atlanta to inoculate it. The children. We left the city after we had inoculated the children for rap music, and this old man came running after us, and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went there, and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile--a pile of little arms. And I remember...I...I...I cried, I wept like Terrell Owens. I wanted to tear my teeth out, I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it, I never want to forget. And then I realized--like I was shot...like I was shot with a diamond...a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought, "My God, the genius of that, the genius, the will to do that." Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they could stand that--these were not monsters, these were Atlanta Falcons fans, trained cadres, these men who fought with their hearts, who have families, who have children, who are filled with ghetto musick--that they had this strength, the strength to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men, then our troubles with David Carr would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral and at the same time were able to utilize their primordial instincts to cheer without feeling, without passion, without judgment--without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us.

Get Alge Crumpler on the phone right goddamn now.

2008-02-15T13:52:00.003-05:00

Alge Crumpler has been released by the Atlanta Falcons in a move that can only be seen as an attempt to drive every one of their fans away to ease the move to Los Angeles.

You know exactly what I'm thinking.

The Panthers have young talent at TE that need a mentor? Check.
Alge is in the twilight of his career but could still produce? Check
He'd like an attempt to stick it to his old team twice a year? Check
North Carolina product? Check
May take a "home team" discount? c'est possible!

Honestly what do the Panthers have to lose? If he's cheap, fucking do it. Don't tell me this wasn't in your plan, Hurney. You know better than anyone every other team has to be ready to pounce on the unthinkable mistakes of the Atlanta Falcons. Call his fucking ass right now and lay it out just like I did. Hell, he can wear the blessed 85 if he wants.

Just when I thought that I was out, THEY PULL ME BACK IN

2008-02-15T10:10:00.003-05:00

Why you may ask?

Well, PFT (a bunch of fags to be honest) has reported that Travelle Wharton's deal is worth 6 million a year with 19 million in guaranteed money up front.

A league source tells us that the six-year deal to which Panthers left tackle Travelle Wharton agreed on Thursday has an average value of $6 million per year.

It's presently unclear, however, whether the bulk of the money is in the back end of the contract, and the amount of guaranteed money is unknown.

Wharton would have become an unrestricted free agent on February 29.

The deal appears to be a good one, but the going rate in free agency for starting-caliber offensive linemen has been seven years, $49 million.

UPDATE: Adam Schefter of NFL Network reports that Wharton will receive $12 million in guaranteed money, and $19 million over the first three years of the deal.

Yeah well a league source tells me you're still a cock smoking ass pirate, Florio, but whatever. Usually he's embarrassingly wrong about the Panthers (Steve Smith faking injuries to get more money ring a bell?) but Adam "why isn't there cock in my mouth" Shefter has backed it up so I guess it's legit.

Fuck.

But then God has give me this beam of light to make me stop thinking about how badly the Panthers just overpaid for another mediocre offensive lineman! Per rotoworld...

ESPN's Pat Yasinkas reports the Panthers are shopping DeShaun Foster.
Yasinkas used to cover the Panthers' beat, so he has the inside track on any team developments. With a $5.8 million cap number, other clubs likely know Foster will eventually be released if Carolina can't find a taker. Foster played poorly last year, averaging just 3.5 yards per carry and losing five fumbles. A team inquiring would have to restructure his contract.

Oh. My. God.

Hey. Hey Deshaun. Hey Deshaun, you listening?

Do you know what that sound is? THATS THE SOUND OF YOU NOT RUINING MY LIFE ANYMORE!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY EXPRESS MY JOY RIGHT NOW!!!

I'm not sure what we can possibly get for you. I don't know if the NFL allows trades between football teams and the Hop Scotch League of America. I don't give a shit if someone gives us a bag of magic beans. I want you off the team. I want the Age of DeAngelo to begin. I want you to never see Bank of America again.

Oh

my

god

Hurney: You almost had my respect you faggot

2008-02-14T15:49:00.004-05:00

I was about to write an article about this man.

It was going to start out as an APB for Marty Hurney, since all the moves the Pathers have made so far have been incredible. Damion Lewis, the cuts of Morgan and Wahle, the extension of Harris: all of these moves were incredible and had to be done.

The article was going to talk about Hurney's last known location (sucking Richardson's cock), describe him (old and lame), and probably make a reference to his old job as Redskins beat reporter.

But just as I came here to write that, I saw that he locked up Travelle Wharton.

The numbers aren't in yet, but they will be shortly. I'm going to pray they signed him for LG money, and not LT money. Please let him be moving to replace Wahle. Please don't tell me this shit sucker is going to be playing tackle again.

I just had a lot of wine because it's Valentine's Day and I took my girlfriend on a picnic so I'm going to pass out and pray when I wake up this will all be gone.

Scott Fowler: A twat with no insight

2008-02-13T08:10:00.004-05:00

My god this isn't what I wanted to wake up to this morning.

Why? Why god why? Why in the christ would anyone put these two people in the same picture? What unhuman monster thought this was appropriate? I feel sick and want to go hide. It's like taking a picture of Stalin and Hitler, naked, and putting them together. Die Scott Fowler. Die.

Oh, he also wrote an article.

The Carolina Panthers are a balky car that needs a ton of work.
Fortunately, there's a great repair shop located in NFL land. It's called free agency, it opens Feb. 29 and it can get you where you want to go.
The tricky thing about this repair shop, though, is you have to know what's wrong with your car in the first place. This repair shop doesn't diagnose. The driver must know what he wants.

Walt Whitman he is not. Scott, two players just got released. One was a first round draft pick from 2001. The other was a huge free agent signing in 2005 that really didn't work out. There is enough potential here to write for weeks. Get Morgan or Wahle for an interview. Get their thoughts on things. Write about how this reflects poor choices in the front office (Spoon over Morgan, overpaying for Wahle). Write about where the Panthers go from here.

Don't write some gay extended metaphor about free agency you twat shit!

Coach John Fox and general manager Marty Hurney are driving the Panthers' car. For the past six seasons, they have kept it at 54 mph in all 55-mph speed zones. You can't be too careful.

Even blind gay men are screaming "JESUS CHRIST?!?"

Sportswriters are great backseat drivers.

I wish you'd backseat wrap your car around a tree, Scott.

After he recapped some things everyone knew and reached their same conclusions, he decided to suggest what the Panthers should do:

Then the Panthers should grab a power back to share the load with DeAngelo Williams. My No. 1 choice? San Diego's Michael Turner.
Turner turns 26 today. He is stuck behind LaDainian Tomlinson with the Chargers, but he's a 5-foot-10, 237-pounder with 4.4-second speed in the 40-yard dash. He could be the Stephen Davis of 2003 here. Turner has averaged 5.5 yards per carry in limited work in San Diego. Someone will make him very rich in free agency. Why not the Panthers?

Yes Scott, in the best running back draft the NFL has ever had, the Panthers should blow all their cap space on a guy who has been taking advantage of tired defenses who have had to chase down LdT all game. I'm sure he'd transition perfectly to a team without an offensive line. Wow, you sure are smart!

I bet Scott is a nice guy. He is probably fun to be around and enjoys his job. However, he clearly doesn't follow the NFL or the draft or college football. He doesn't care enough to get an interview. Judging by this article, he has no shame.

God.

Dan Morgan cut before he dies on the field, Wahle looking for work

2008-02-11T19:57:00.001-05:00

Oh glorious day.

The Panthers have started the offseason, releasing LB Dan Morgan and LG Mike Wahle. No real surprise.

(Update: 5:45 p.m.) Both are going down as post-June 1 designated cuts, meaning they can spread the cap hit over the next two years. Quick math shows a net salary cap savings of around $2.2 million for Morgan and $1.1 million for Wahle. More room could come later with more releases.

Let me talk about Wahle first. I really don't feel bad at all about losing Wahle. He was a huge free agent signing who got to the pro bowl just because Packers fans are insane. He's been decaying since he got here and was constantly injured. If he plays next year he'll probably just fall apart on the field, or explode. Frankly whoever we put in there at his position, in terms of cost/production, will be an upgrade. This also frees up the Panthers to do their favorite thing: overpay for some overrated piece of shit lineman with 1 year left in the off season. You might as well just buy a house in Charlotte, Allen Faneca.

Dan Morgan is a little bit different. I feel something in my chest. It may be sorrow, or sadness. It may be a heart attack. Either way I'm not sure I like it.

Let's go back over the history of Dan Morgan for a moment.

His first season was 2001, and he was part of that epic George Seifert draft that Fox used to get to the Super Bowl in 2003. He went one, Jenkins went two, Smith went three. He came out and quickly set the tune for how his career would go. On a field ripped up by a Rolling Stones concert, he got stiff armed into oblivion by Brett Favre and shattered his leg.

The next year, 2002, he managed to play in 8 hole games, make 54 tackles, and get a sports hernia and send his shoulder into hell.

2003 was his banner year. He stayed healthy for 11 regular season games, raped everything he saw in the playoffs, and had 20 tackles in the Super Bowl. He was a fucking monster.

2004 was the beginning of his concussion fun. 2005 he was relatively healthy and proved to the front office that ten games of Dan Morgan was worth more than 16 from Will Witherspoon, a decision that is painful to think about. I literally wake up screaming in a cold sweat thinking about that mistake. It was like the Panthers raped themselves. They didn't even need Washington this time.

2005 and 2006 were just atrocious. If it weren't for Jon Beason the Superior it would have been a disaster in 2006. The bottom line is he can't be counted on anymore.

I'm going to break shtick for a second here. In all seriousness, Dan Morgan may be the best linebacker the Panthers have ever had. He was a once in a generation type talent; the kind of guy that could read defenses before some of the players on the other side of the ball knew the play. He was a natural leader and a phenomenal athlete. When he was healthy he couldn't be stopped. He made everyone else around him better.

He also set the team back because of his health. Since they committed to him, they overpaid for that fat sack of shit Kemo'eatu because for some reason they thought what they needed was a huge DT. He still got hurt and Kemo sucks. He was the reason they lost Will Witherspoon to the fucking cock sucking Rams. When he went out it set the defense back at least three games while they adjusted.

It's sad to see him go, but it's a move the Panthers had to make. Even if he played for nothing, he's blocking the development of younger players. No longer can he stand in the way of the Adam Seward Spectacle, or the Tim Shaw Variety Hour. I'd love to see him in a coaching capacity. Just as long as they keep him out of the training room I don't see a down side.

Farewell you goofy looking fucker. You will be missed.

And if you go to New England and play a full season I will fucking murder you.

Jake Delhomme has undiagnosed brain damage

2008-02-11T10:01:00.000-05:00

Now I'm not doctor (but an amateur gynocologist BOOYAH see what I did there) but I'm starting to think Jake Delhomme may have less of a hurt shoulder and more of a Dan Morgan syndrome. Per Darin Gantt:

"I truly believe Dwayne Jarrett's going to be a big help to us this year," Delhomme said. "He's got the ability, that's easy to see, and last year was honestly a redshirt year for him. He's still young, and he's still learning and getting better.
"He's going to know I'm expecting big things from him, and I have no doubt he's going to come to play this year, to show what he can do."

Yeah I'll hold my breath for that prima donna shit from USC to grow a pair and play NFL football. The Panthers have been burned by USC so many times they should send them a medical bill. I can't wait to see Jarrett shorting arming catches over the middle or letting the corner run right by him when he has to block.

On another note Dwayne Jarrett has a website for some reason filled with quotes about him said...by him.
“That Oklahoma guy that thought the only guy we had on the team was Reggie? ... I guess he's kind of eating his words right now.”
- Dwayne Jarrett quote.

Adam Schefter: Panthers making ripples already in free agency

2008-02-09T09:13:00.001-05:00

Per Adam Schefter of the NFLN, the Panthers have extended Damion Lewis' contract by three years. Adam is fed information by the NFL powers that be, so he's usually pretty reliable, unless it's a story concerning Al Davis because the crazy old bastard will intentionally do the opposite of whatever Schefter says just to fuck with him.

Damion Lewis is basically a pass rushing DT. He's kinda useless on running plays because he's about as big as a fire hydrant, but he plays hard and genuinely seems to care out there, which is more than you can say about most of the people on the team.

Pat Yasinskas: Blatant Panthers Bias ftw

2008-02-08T12:13:00.000-05:00

Pat Yasinskas, until very recently, was a kinda mediocre journalist who covered the Carolina Panthers. I know saying a journalist covering the Panthers is kinda redundant, but bare with me. In the face of Atlanta Falcons shill Len Pasquarelli's declining health, the faggots at ESPN decided they needed a new voice for that potential rich (read: apathetic) area of North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia.

For some reason they tagged Charlotte Observer writer Pat Yasinskas.

At first I thought this was good just because he wouldn't be covering the Panthers any more. However, not only has his writing improved, but he's mentioning the Panthers a lot. His last two articles have contained more Panthers references than the last 2 years of ESPN. Let's take a look!

In this article, he talks about letting go of franchise players, the affect it has on the team, and whether or not it was a good move. He describes 5 "hugely popular" veteran players and spouts of 3 surefire and one probably hall of famer: Joe Montana, John Lynch, Emitt Smith, and Drew Bledsoe. Then the fuck out of nowhere...

4. Steve Beuerlein: He was an ordinary quarterback throughout a long career. But Beuerlein seemed to find a home with Carolina late in his career. He threw for 4,436 yards and made the Pro Bowl in the 1999 season. He followed that up with another solid season. But then, coach George Seifert single-handedly (and against the wishes of management and other members of the coaching staff) stunningly cut Beuerlein, who was well on his way to becoming one of the most popular players in Carolina's brief history.

Now, yes, Steve Beuerlein did have one of the best statistical years ever for a QB (4500 yds, 37 TDs, 17 yards a completion nigga!) but does he really belong on the same list as these guys? I mean, sure, anyone could have rushed for a thousand yards behind that Dallas line, and after Monk got in after a career of being average Bledsoe is almost assured entry, but Steve Beurlein? I could get used to this kind of blatant Panther love. It's about time someone talked about us meaninglessly! Maybe if we're lucky we can get on the same level as Brady's cock or Romo's trip to Mexico.

We even get a conclusion.

The verdict: Ultimately, cutting Beuerlein ended Seifert's coaching career (he had the NFL's all-time best winning percentage when he came to Carolina). Inexplicably, Seifert decided career backup Jeff Lewis, who had never done much of anything, was ready to start. Seifert was incredibly wrong. Lewis was physically and emotionally battered in the 2001 preseason. After throwing three interceptions in a five-minute span in an exhibition at Baltimore, Seifert realized his mistake and cut Lewis. But it was too late. Seifert had to turn to rookie Chris Weinke, and the Panthers went 1-15. Seifert was fired after the season and has rarely been heard from since.

Oh my god yes. Jeff fucking Lewis, was a terrible failure. Sometimes I wake up screaming in the middle of the night thinking of Jeff Lewis. If there's anything the Redskins have taught us, it's to never make a trade with Denver. Somehow, someway, you'll get fucking fleeced.

Look at this picture: Chris Weinke and Jeff Lewis. Is it capable to fit more failure into one picture?

His next article? All about the Panthers! And surprise of surprises, he's right about most of it!

It didn't cost the Panthers much financially to keep Minter, Rucker and Morgan last spring because all three players took massive salary cuts. But those moves cost the Panthers plenty in other ways. With Minter still on the roster, the Panthers pretty much ignored the safety position in free agency and the draft. They did the same thing at defensive end, even though Rucker was coming off major knee surgery at the end of the 2006 season.
Minter didn't even make it through training camp. Aching knees forced him to retire in August and the Panthers had to go out and trade for Chris Harris. Rucker made it through camp and through the season, but clearly wasn't the player he once was.

Holy shit, it's like Pat is channeling me through these articles. The guy who was once reluctant to criticize the Panthers in any way, shape, and form, just fired a salvo across Jerry Richardson's face! Take that old man! Pat won't listen to your bed time decrees! It's straight talk express time baby, except without some crazy ex-POW vowing to preemptively nuke Middle East countries.

Keeping the star-crossed Morgan and his untapped potential around no longer makes sense on any level. Jon Beason, who is what a healthy Morgan was supposed to be, is not far from being a Pro Bowler. Beason's going to be in the middle of Carolina's defense for the next eight or 10 years, the team recently signed weakside linebacker Na'il Diggs to a contract extension and strongside linebacker Thomas Davis is growing into his enormous physical skills. Even if Morgan was healthy and on the roster, the Panthers might not be able to squeeze him onto the field.

Hey, where the fuck was this when the Panthers were daring Will Witherspoon to test the free agent market? Why grow balls now? I mean, I guess it's better late than never, but we needed this kind of clearheaded thinking back when the Panthers were busy driving their defense into the ground.

Here's a picture of Dan Morgan about to get injured. Of course, every picture of Dan Morgan is him about to get injured

But what happened to the Panthers with Minter last season should serve as a reminder as the team makes decisions about Morgan and Rucker. It's nice to honor your past, but you can't let it block the future.

And he ends with a definitive statement. this isn't your dad's Pat Yasinskas boys and girls. He's ready to actually, you know, cover the team.

Welcome to a club populated by you, Darin Gantt, and Steve Reed. Punch and pie are in the back.

Hurney: Patriots didn't need to cheat to beat us

2008-02-06T08:15:00.000-05:00

Following the Patriots thorough raping by Osi Umenyiora (who likes to shit on girls) and his band of Merry Negros, everyone is calling the Pats out on their cheating ways.

The latest is fucking Kurt Warner, who I'm shocked is alive every single time he comes up. He's probably just looking for something to distract himself from his monster of a wife, but whatever fucks with the Pats I'm happy about.

But for peace of mind, the two-time MVP wants the league to investigate reports that the Patriots might have benefited from a videotape of the Rams' final practice before that Super Bowl six years ago.

Not to be outdone... well, no, I wish Hurney would have just gone frog shit hopping insane and started throwing random accusations at the Patriots but instead he took the boring "classy" route and said:

"We certainly have never gotten any indications of that," Panthers’ general manager Marty Hurney said Saturday. "That’s all you can go by. Nobody has ever brought anything like that to our attention. You’re very careful not to jump to any conclusions on anything."

"Nobody has ever brought anything like that to our attention."

So this doesn't mean it didn't happen. It just doesn't mean that someone has distracted Hurney from his juice cup long enough to inform him of it. The Patriots somehow used their mind lasers to force Kasay's kick out of bounds. I'm convinced.

That sound you hear is me screaming "Fuck!"

2008-02-04T08:03:00.000-05:00

The Charlotte Observer has managed to ruin my week already with this article about Mike Rucker deciding that he still has something left in the tank.

Defensive end Mike Rucker is coming back, but he's not sure whether it will be with the Carolina Panthers.
Rucker's agent, Peter Schaffer, said Sunday that Rucker decided during their meetings in Phoenix this week to return for another season.

I guess Mike was inspired after watching the Giants do what the Panthers failed to do back in 2003. Hey Ruck, guess what? If you guys and your "vaunted" defensive line had managed to even sniff Tom Brady in that game, you probably would have gotten your ring and you grace us with a quiet dissolve into anonymity.

There had been speculation that Rucker might retire.

There was no fucking speculation! It was a goddamn foregone conclusion. He was utterly useless last year.

"Mike is fired up, motivated and looking forward to continuing his career," Schaffer said. "It's 100 percent."

100 percent hasn't applied to Mike Rucker in three years. He may think he's at one hundred, but really, he's about 63 percent of a player out there.

Listen, I love Mike Rucker. I do. He has been the model of consistency (read: slightly better than average) his entire career. He's been a leader on and off the field and probably deserves a statue once he retires. Give him and Minter one together. Whatever.

He has nothing left. At all. Some Rucker defenders out there will claim his bad season was due to Peppers vanishing on his herpes medication. If a player's productivity is contingent to the productivity of another (ie getting good matchups) then he's not much of a player at all. 2002 - 2006 could make ANYONE look good at defensive tackle.

The worst part about this is Fox is going to push for him to be resigned. Instead of turning the defense over to capable, vocal, desiring young players (Beason, Harris) he's going to keep Rucker in the way; a fucking useless albatross who instead of getting his players pumped up quotes them bible passages.

Tell me what pumps you up more. This?

Or this?

Oh well.

Welcome back Mike. I look forward to your "veteran presence." Maybe if we're lucky you'll get signed by the Patriots instead. They seem to like player well past their prime that can't make a tackle one on one.

Jon Beason: I gots to get paid, yo.

2008-02-03T11:08:00.001-05:00

After realizing he's the best thing the Panthers have, Jon Beason has decided to insure he gets paid like it.

In a bit of news that's far more concerning to fans than team administration, there's a new Drew Rosenhaus client here.
Linebacker Jon Beason recently signed on with the super-agent, whose aggressive style has generated many critics. The Panthers have never been among them, as Rosenhaus is viewed as a straightforward negotiator, who can get big deals done quickly.
It'll be some time before Rosenhaus comes into play for Beason, anyway, since he's just one year into his five-year rookie deal. Beason was originally represented by agent Michael Huyghue, who is no longer certified by the NFLPA. Huyghue is getting out of the business to concentrate on his new job, as the commissioner of the fledgling UFL.
It's hardly a surprise Beason chose Rosenhaus, as the agent has a solid foothold with University of Miami players, including Beason's pal, workout partner and for-now teammate Dan Morgan.

When asked for comment, Jon Beason was quoted as saying, "Dolla dolla bills, ya'll."

Panthers survey: How Satisfied are YOU with mediocrity?

2008-02-01T10:48:00.000-05:00

If you're a PSL owner like me* then you recently received the biggest fucking survey from the Panthers you've ever taken in your life. Seriously, this is like one of those personality tests that somehow predict how many times a day you masturbate. I kept waiting for it to tell me at the end that I was actually a pedophile and didn't know it.

*my dad's

For those of you that aren't PSL owners (smart move on your part) here are some of the lowlights from what you won't miss.

Yeah, the thing I love about PSLs is that I am guaranteed access to the playoffs every year! How did they read my mind like that? There's nothing like knowing after shelling out six thousand bucks I am promised a spot in the playoffs and a home game. Wow.

I guess they mean guaranteed to be paying for them every year because that's about the only consistent thing. Maybe if PSLs insured you, like, Patriots playoff tickets this would be valid.

Oh look, Jerry is worried about his image.

Well, one thing you'll never be able to say about the Panthers is that their players misbehave off the field or that the stadium is too rowdy.

another thing you'll never be able to say is that the team has too much intensity and that BoA Stadium is a scary place for opposing teams to play. I swear to God, I've seen practice fields rowdier than Bank of America. When the Eagles are in training camp and a receiver drops a pass, they fucking have to break out riot police. Here we're lucky if anyone sitting between the twenties even notices there's a game going on.

What the fuck is positive attitude of fans? What the hell is there to be positive about!?

"Yes, David Carr didn't throw a pick! Bro Hugs for everyone!"

There are two that really stick out here.

First, season tickets are a great resource for entertaining clients, especially if they're cheering for another team! Nothing seals a deal like bringing them in to an opposing stadium and watching them upset the home team. You can't put a price tag on that kind of value.

Speaking of value, that Panthers are a terrible value. Yes, I know, you don't buy tickets to see wins; you buy them to see a team. Whether or not they win or lose isn't included in the price tag (as evidenced by steadily climbing ticket prices). But owning Panthers PSLs is like buying a cake that turns out to be made of, like, asian people. I mean yeah it's a cake and all but it's probably not going to taste very good and not really resemble what you'd think a cake would look like.

I'm not sure Jerry Richardson could be more worried about positive image if he tried.

Who the fuck gives a shit about performance enhancing drugs? Jake Delhomme is coming off a surgery that generally adds speed to a pitch in baseball; should that be banned? Would the fans care if the team was still performing? Does anyone remember Julius Peppers got busted for testing positive? Or Shawn Merriman? Or Rodney Harrison?

And my god, who the fuck goes to football games if they are concerned about rowdy language? This isn't fucking tennis. Nelson, a fat guy who sits in my section and regularly smuggles in ziploc bags full of pulled pork and buns to make sandwiches, told me my first dirty joke when I was ten in Clemson.

"Hey PotatoJuiceYeah, what do Michael Jackson and JC Penny's have in common? They both have little boy's pants half off."

I looked to my dad to see if it was alright I just heard this and he just laughed. There is a time and a place to shelter your child from the harsh realities of the world. A football game is not one of them. And besides, a couple of times watching the Panthers live will strip away any hopes and dreams a budding young misanthrope might have.

And why the fuck are they worried about making it family friendly anyway? It's not as if children can pay for their 12 dollar beers.

Of course I would recommend season tickets now. You should always buy low. Right now the Panthers are a fucking Eastern European country, the Wall just fell, and you're the rich oil baron buying up shit left and right. Soon, you too will own an EPL soccer team.

I just wanted everyone to know that I suffer more than you for this

I think this is one thing we can all agree on. No more Jazzercise. No more 8 year old girls dancing. They are allowed to do three things:

Mascot Bowl
Frisbee Dogs
Pop Warner game

And you fucking rotate that.

Even better, get like one hundred frisbee dogs and one hundred automated frisbee launchers and just let that shit fly.

Panthers Superlatives: Team Least Likely to Give a Shit

2008-01-30T08:04:00.000-05:00

Remember when you were in High School and at the end of your senior year they gave you cutesy little superlatives like "Best Dressed" or "Most Likely to do Meth"?

Well, now we have Panthers superlatives! Yay! Another article with zero content! You'd think these players were impossible to get a hold of for an interview or something. Half of them live in Charlotte for Christ's sake. Just walk up to Jake Dehomme and ask him to talk about anything. There's not a thing Steve Smith could say that's less interesting than this. Ask Beason to freestyle for you.

anyway....

BEST OFFENSIVE PLAYER
Right tackle Jordan Gross. Not spectacular, but steady. Gross allowed just three sacks all season, and was called for one holding penalty and four false starts. He's a key to establishing a consistent offensive line for next season.

Well here's the fucking problem right here. When the best player on your offense is a fucking tackle you're not going places. If this is true I'm just surprised he even got the start. If he's so good, why didn't Fox sit him behind Evan Mathis?

BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER
Middle linebacker Jon Beason. Despite being a rookie, he opened the season at weakside linebacker and moved into the middle when Dan Morgan was injured. He quickly became the captain of the defense, and wound up leading the team in tackles by a wide margin.

Okay, there are seven players on that defense who I'd want if I was starting over completely. Beason is four of them. The others are Julius Peppers, Richard Marshall, and Chris Harris if you're wondering. The kid is absolutely amazing. He plays his heart out, he's a joy to watch, he's always around the ball, and we got an extra second rounder for him. And he raps like a motherfucker.

BEST SURPRISE
Rookie quarterback Matt Moore. Remember, this guy wasn't drafted. Then he was signed as a free agent by Dallas but cut at the end of training camp, only to be snatched up by Carolina to be a backup's backup. Moore wound up starting the Panthers' final three games and helping the team to victories in two of them.

awwwww yeah

BEST PLAY
Linebacker Thomas Davis' combination sack-forced fumble hit on Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck late in the fourth quarter of Carolina's 13-10 victory against the Seahawks. Richard Marshall recovered the ball for the Panthers, teaming with Davis to save the game.

Alright Stan Olson. Listen to me very carefully. You're writing a fluff piece on the Panthers with absolutely no content whatsoever. This is an article anyone could have shit out after a couple of cups of coffee and a Grand Slam at Denny's. You got paid for this shit.

Yes, I know that play sealed a win against a playoff team and the first home win in over a year. Yes, I know it involved one of my favorite players. Yes, it was a great game and a great play. However.

Steve Smith shrugged of the ENTIRE TEXANS SECONDARY to score this touchdown. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT THE BEST PLAY!?!? Have you ever broken a tackle in your life? Looking at your picture, imagine there is a person blocking you from the scarf store and they grab you. Now imagine five more of them grab you. and you still get your scarf!

It doesn't have to be a scarf. Whatever you're in to. Neckbeards, members only jackets, pretzels, whatever.

There's more to this article but really it's not worth it.

God fucking dammit

Steve Smith is unhappy, needs friends.

2008-01-28T08:11:00.000-05:00

Listen ya'll Steve Smith needs some friends up in this motherfucker cause he can't carry this shit on his own shoulders.

Unfortunately this article is written by Stan Olsen which makes it damn near unreadable but I'm making that sacrifice for you.

But it was more than that. No other receiver consistently eased the pressure on Smith, prompting one NFC scout to say, "Everybody's game plan was to make sure they shut him down first."

One NFC scout said this? You really had to get an unsourced quote on this? You made that up, didn't you? Believe me, an unnamed mystery scout is no less full of shit than you are Stan so just go ahead and say "everybody and their fucking mother knows that as long as Deshaun Foster gets playing time, Smith is the only offensive player worth a damn."

It was mostly downhill from there until Moore stabilized the position.

Ahhhhhhhh hell yeah son

Now the Panthers have three choices: Stand pat and hope that Carter and Jarrett continue to develop; add another receiver through the draft; or buy a No. 2 receiver in free agency.

Option 1: Carter and Jarrett? Good god I'm glad at least he didn't mention Keary Colbert. And why the fuck is he not mentioning The Lovetrain (Ryne Robinson)? This reminds me of when everyone was panicking about resigning Donald Hayes while Steve Smith was buy taking every punt back from a touchdown but couldn't get a snap at wide receiver. Of course Stan Olsen probably just forgot the Love Train is on the team.

Option 2: Oh god don't draft another wide receiver please. I'm not sure I could handle another Ohio State or USC shit fest.

Option 3: ERNEST WILFORD

WR Ernest Wilford was the only Jag to pull his name tag off his locker, and because he wasn't offered a long-term contact before the end of his current deal, he said he doubts he'll be back.

Carolina Panthers: Predicting they'll be predicted to be preseason champs...again

2008-01-27T11:25:00.000-05:00

Darin Gantt has given us this nice little article in an attempt to warm our hearts.

CHARLOTTE --There exists a notion that the Carolina Panthers don't have the kind of salary cap room needed to fix their problems or engage in the active offseason the owner has promised.

It's dead wrong.

Well that's great. And here I was thinking the Panthers were going to be in for a nice, quiet free agency period, once which would force them to reevaluate their drafting process and examine their existing personnel. But nope! Now we can anxiously await the kind of reckless spending that brought up such players as Kemo'eatu, Hartwig, and Keyshawn Johnson!

There's nearly $5 million more available when they do what they already planned to do with the contract of Steve Smith. More money will come in smaller chunks throughout the spring.

Wait wait wait, we pay Steve Smith and end up saving money? Good fucking god the NFL's cap system is an indecipherable piece of shit.

That number included a $15.6 million cap figure for defensive end Julius Peppers, in the final year of his rookie deal. But it didn't figure the $1.5 million which will be credited back to the 2008 cap when they account for a Pro Bowl incentive which he didn't cash this season. That bonus was considered "likely to be earned," or LTBE in contract parlance, since Peppers went to Hawaii the year before. And any LTBE incentives which aren't earned become credits to the next year's cap.

I should have known that article was shit when I saw SI, but I has hopeful that the Panthers were not going to be able to blow their cash again. Julius Peppers should return his entire god damn contract after last year.

More room will come when they make some cuts -- likely to include David Carr and Dan Morgan, and perhaps others such as Mike Wahle and DeShaun Foster.

Oh my god yes please let this happen. Cutting Carr and Foster would make this offseason a success no matter what else we did.

The temptation for general manager Marty Hurney was to debunk the early reports, but he stayed as quiet, as he does with all contract matters. The Panthers don't comment on any numbers, although they know full well they all eventually seep out.

yeah, I agree. fuck explaining things to people who help pay your salary.

anyway, all this action insures that the Panthers will be predicted to win the Super Bowl next year. And since the Panthers almost always perform to the opposite of their expectations, you can be sure we'll be lucky to win three games. I'm imaging a Sum of All Fears scenario in which Jake Delhomme dies and John Fox decides to go with some veteran washup like Ryan Leaf or something until at 0-13 he gives Matt Moore the ball who quickly wins the last three games, putting up 10 TDs in that span. Then all the announcers will talk about how awesome Moore is and Fox will have to resign out of shame. Yeah....

anyway, back to preseason champs thing.

1. "Key" starters returning from injury? Check
2. Brought in numerous "impact" free agents? Check
3. Another Mel Kiper approved draft? Check
4. Coach the media has a fascination with?

My biggest fear is that one of two things will happen. Either the Panthers will manage to scrap by a 9 win playoff appearance and lock up Fox's job for another three years, guaranteeing more of the same crap. Dan Snyder fires whatever pile of shit is coaching the team by then and gives Cowher eleventy billion dollars and we miss out on him. Or, what would be my guess, everything manages to blow up hysterically in their face and all they manage to do is submarine their cap space. No coach worth a damn wants a part of this money pit and we end up with a coaching staff even Atlanta would laugh at.

Woo offseason!

Stan Olsen: A brief moment of lunacy

2008-01-25T18:33:00.000-05:00

This guy, who very obviously has never played a sport in his life, has written a good article about wide receivers the Panthers should go after in the offseason. And by good article, I mean he got one right then shit the bed.

- Ernest Wilford, Jacksonville -- he's got good size (6-4, 223 pounds) and is strong and physical.

Yes, fantastic. I want this guy. He's everything Olsen said he is, he'll be cheap, he's young, and you're taking him away from the Jaguars and fuck the Jaguars. Plus, you're keeping him out of the hands of teams like the Saints and Bucs who will be in the market for wide receivers this year.

- D.J. Hackett, Seattle -- Finished the season strong, although the 6-2 foot, 208-pound Hackett has had some injury problems.

Oh god dammit this D.J. Hackett shit is spreading like the plague.

- Bernard Berrian, Chicago -- Fast and not that big at 6-1 but still good as a possession guy--71 catches in 2007.

He's basically Drew Carter with more opportunities. Then again, if he could haul in Rex Grossman's shit bombs he would be great for Spray and Pray Delhomme.

- Andre Davis, Houston -- Fast, and with the added benefit of being a top kick returner. He played well when andre johnson was injured.

Nothing excites me like the thought of Andrew Davis (who the fuck is Andre Davis)

- Bryant Johnson, Ariz. -- Still a lot of potential, but not a lot of room for him with the Cardinals. He's a prototypical big receiver at 6-3 and 216.

A lot of people are going to be going after Bryant Johnson.

I got bored writing this post so if you got through to here I'm surprised.

Al Davis: Showing Jerry Richardso how to crazy up a team since 2000

2008-01-25T18:23:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure any of you have heard this but apparently Al Davis has demanded that Lane Kiffin, after just a year on the job, resign. The guy lined up to replace him?

Are you fucking kidding me Al Davis? You have gone and made Jerry look amateurish in comparison. Richardson could learn oodles from Al's effort to torpedo his team. Quick Jerry, trade away Jon Beason for a bag of magic beans. Demand that Richard Marshall be converted to fullback. Instruct Marty Hurney to extend Deshaun Foster's contract, again.

Mike Rucker retirement?

2008-01-25T10:19:00.000-05:00

Mike Rucker expected to make an announcement today. You all know what I'm thinking. Hopefully he doesn't go the Reggie White route and exclaim God hates Fags.

I'll keep you posted.

Steve Reed: Panthers biggest offseason needs

2008-01-24T09:56:00.000-05:00

This is coming on the heels of Jerry Richardson's announcement that he wants the team to get the same kind of attitude it had during the Super Bowl run. Well, since they test for steroids more stringently now, in the mind of Steve Reed we can achieve this by signing a shit ton of free agents who will underperform!

1. Wide receiver. The Panthers need a playmaker to take pressure off Steve Smith. In fact, they probably need two. Keary Colbert and Drew Carter are both free agents, so the Panthers could look to replace both. Look for them to address this need in free agency, rather than the draft. It’s hard to count on a rookie to make an immediate impact at this spot. Just look at Dwayne Jarrett. The guy I’d like to see the Panthers sign is Seattle’s D.J. Hackett.

Jerry Richardson wants us to be tough and return to a Steelers type offense of running the ball so naturally Steve Reed suggests the most important position is Wide Receiver. Not only that, he's never played a full season, missed 10 games last year, and since Deion branch's ACL exploded in the playoffs he'll be a priority for them to resign.

2. Defensive end. There’s been no announcement yet from Mike Rucker regarding his future, but if he retires as expected the Panthers desperately need to add a pass rusher in free agency. Neither Stanley McClover nor Charles Johnson showed they were ready to step into a starting role in '07. In fact, even if Rucker were to return for a victory tour next season, the Panthers should still make upgrading this spot a huge priority.

They almost have to sign a free agent here because you certainly don't want a defensive lineman to suffer through any Panthers' coaching. Hell, they ruined Julius Peppers, even. You need a guy that has played a while, is established, and knows that he needs to tune out just about every fucking thing the coaching staff tells him. Also, if Mike Rucker decided to return AGAIN and he's not wearing a coaching uniform I'm going to have to start loading my gun.

3. Free safety. Deke Cooper did a decent job filling in last season, but he’s not going to scare many offensive coordinators. Besides, he’s a free agent so there’s no assurance he’ll be back. Nate Salley is returning from knee surgery, but the Panthers could really use a veteran ball hawking safety that causes turnovers and brings the same type of attitude to the defense that Chris Harris did this season. Mike Doss anyone?

Yes, The Deke Cooper Experience needs to go. No, it's not the third most important thing on the team. Bad Steve. Bad bad bad!

4. Guard. Mike Wahle is getting up there in age and has reached the point in his contract where cutting him has become a possibility. If the Panthers really want to be like the Steelers, as Richardson suggested, one addition that would make sense is adding unhappy Steelers guard Alan Feneca to the mix. He’s one of the best guards in the game and would be an immediate upgrade for this shaky offensive line. Look for Geoff Hangartner to be in the mix somewhere, probably at the other guard spot.

Mike Wahle is getting old (30) so we need to replace him with a Steelers castoff who is a year older? Boy that's fucking brilliant. This isn't the nineties. We don't sign every Steelers castoff like we did back then. And did you see the Steelers offensive line this year? I mean my god, they turned Roethlisberger into a bigger, whiter, uglier Mike Vick. I don't care if it wasn't Faneca's fault, whatever caused them to play so shitty may have been contagious.

Also, why spend big money on a guard when our more pressing need is.....

5. Offensive tackle. Remember, not only is Gross a free agent at right tackle, but so is Travelle Wharton on the left side. However, the reason this is so low on the list of priorities is because Gross could always move to left tackle and Jeremy Bridges could slide back out to right tackle. Ideally, you’d have to think the Panthers would want to keep Gross at right tackle because that has proven to be his better position.

This shouldn't be low on priorities. It should be our biggest priority! Gross is below average at Left Tackle, and if he thinks that's a possibility he's going to demand Left Guard money. And Jeremy Bridges? Are you fucking serious? Not only does he suck, but he's one bad lap dance away from shooting up a strip club.

The rest of it is just obvious stuff. Fullback, KR, Tight End, the same stuff we never upgrade. I'm not sure Tight End is a problem, honestly. Both Rosario and King showed they're good as specific things (King underneath, Rosario stretching the field). If they went into training camp with those two primarily I'd be alright.

The most important thing for this team is their offensive line, offensive line, offensive line, and they're not going to solve this problem through quick fixes in free agency. Signing aging veterans does nothing except tie up four years of cap for one year of performance. Lines have to be built through the draft, and if the Panthers really wanted to make a splash, they'd trade up into Long or Otah range.

Of course they won't. They'll end up taking a wide receiver out of the Pac-10 or some bullshit. Desean Jackson woooooo oh god there's so much blood

2003 Panthers: One Step From Greatness (2010)

2008-01-23T07:56:00.000-05:00

Well, the Panthers brass contacted me yesterday and told me that they were so impressed with my writing abilities that they want me to pen the 2003 Panthers' Superbowl season script. Of course, I accepted, and got down to writing immediately. I'm almost done.

The plot follows the story of a dying cancer patient (Sam Mills) coming back to coach the team one last time. It is led by a plucky undrafted QB (Jake Delhomme), a saucy wide receiver (Steve Smith), and a coach that just doesn't know how to quit (John Fox).

Together, they not only rise to overcome the odds, but learn more about themselves and grow not just as player, but as people.

And there is a lot of gratuitous hardcore sex.

Part of my contract was that I had input in regards to actors. I had to fight hard for this. I didn't want them to fill this movie with a bunch of assholes from WB shows. We need legit actors to tell the greatest football story of all time. Besides, I'm pretty sure legally you have to be like 28 to be in some of the scenes I'm writing.

The Good Guys

Jake Delhomme

Sean Penn would play Jake Delhomme, a mildly retarded, lovable shit shoveler from Dipfuck, Louisiana. He grew up dreaming of the day he could throw a football. He was discovered on the job, handing out water for the Saints. Unfortunately, Aaron Brooks was slightly less retarded than him and was allowed to start.

The film starts off with John Fox meeting him in a Denny's. Jake says all he needs is a chance, then proceeds to drool all over himself and drops his Grand Slam. John Fox likes his moxy and signs him right away.

As the season progresses, John Fox teaches Jake Delhomme how to read, how to ride horses, and how to force the ball into triple coverage.

Steve Smith

If there's anything I've learned about the film business is that you have to have a rapper in your film if you want to get butts in the seats. In Atlanta, instead of advertising American Gangster by showing Denzel Washington, they decided to show some asshole named TI.

Steve Smith would have just gotten out of prison in Santa Monica after stealing a car for crack money. John Fox would notice his breakaway speed while seeing him beat up a woman for her purse and running from the cops. He immediately signs him to join his plucky band of rebels and outcasts.

Sam Mills

Sam Mills would be dying of cancer the entire time and giving out advice. He'd die in the fourth quarter just as John Kasay's ACL explodes, forcing him to kick it out of bounds.

Really I just needed an old, wise, black actor for this role and there's only one of those around so he gets the role by default.

John Fox

John Fox is a burnt out meth addict from Oakland who has been given one last chance to turn his career around, and become reacquainted with his estranged daughter, who's working as a prostitute in New Orleans.

The role is complex and complicated. It needs an actor capable of making people believe he doesn't give a shit about overwhelming observable evidence and logical decisions. You have to know, as an audience member, that he is succeeding despite himself. I want a viewer to watch this and just know he's going ruin a draft pick or something.

Julius Peppers

That black dude in the locker room from Any Given Sunday. You know exactly which one I'm talking about.

Don't watch that scene with your girlfriend.

The Bad Guys

Mike Vick

Apparently every movie with black people has to have Martin Lawrence in it. It's some unwritten rule. I can't imagine why else they'd put him on screen. He's about as funny as slamming your dick in the door. He and Mo'Nique make me hope the Mayans were right and the world is going to end in 2012.

Anyway, they're both black, they're both convicts, and they're both irritating. Good enough for me.

Vick would be the only person standing in the way of the Panthers run. Since Del Rio had designed the team to stop actual NFL quarterbacks, they'd be puzzled about what to do with a QB who couldn't throw.

Tom Brady

This works for a few reasons. Firstly, he has the same body of Tom Brady. Many of you would say that Michael Cera probably can't throw a ball ten yards, but that's alright because Brady barely can either.

Also he was in Juno which was about some guy knocking up a girl. He didn't ditch her in the film but I'm sure it would be easy to get him in that mindset.

"Hey Michael, you know how you weren't a dick?"

"Yeah?"

"Be a fucking dick."

"Okay!"

Oscar baby.

Bill Belichick

Someone who can be an tremendous asshole and doesn't care about how they look. Val Kilmer has exploded.

The Slut

Anna Benson

We need a stupid slut with sports connections who could believable be attracted to every single main character in the movie. Well, Anna Benson threatened to fuck the entire Mets team so obviously she doesn't have standards. And besides, every movie needs a girl to blow the screenwriter/casting agent.

Sean Gilbert: The Adventure of 2 first round picks

2008-01-22T13:44:00.001-05:00

In the process of writing down players on my shit list I started trying to track exactly how those two picks the Panthers sent to the Redskins were used. It's quite the journey.

Luckily, super nerd King Rhabuf from somethingawful did the research for me. For all those interested, here is the history of Sean Gilbert.

Its pretty complicated

He had a good second year with the Rams (then in LA). He had battled some injuries in the early part of his career. The Redskins traded for him to shore up their run defense. The pick the Redskins traded, the 6th overall, was used by the Rams on Lawrence Phillips.

Monday, the Redskins finalized a trade with St. Louis - the Rams, that is - for a 6-5, 300-plus pound defensive tackle who was a former high No. 1 draft pick. They paid for Sean Gilbert by surrendering their No. 1 draft choice in this month's college draft.

``The difference between the trade today and the one 21 years ago is that Sean Gilbert already has been a Pro Bowl defensive tackle and an alternate Pro Bowl defensive end,'' said Redskins general manager Charley Casserly. ``There's no question everybody recognizes Sean Gilbert as one of the finest defensive tackles in pro football.

``The quickest way we can win is to trade our No. 1 pick for an outstanding football player whose best football is still ahead of him.''

Then, Gilbert held out because the Redskins would not pay him what he wanted. They franchised him, and then traded him to the Panthers. This is from a terrible post I found. Eventually, one of those first rounders landed Champ Bailey. Charlie Casserly made some pretty good moves. From what I read, Gilbert was a solid, not great, player on the Panthers. Definitely not worth the two elite picks though.

The redskins were not willing to pay him what he wanted so he held out for the 98' season and the skins franchised him. don't forget the skins traded the 6th pick in the 96' draft to the rams for gilbert. Oh yeah and the rams drafted lawrence Billups....now out of the nfl. Anyway does anyone remember us trading him to the panthers for two first rounders for 99' and 00' draft? well thats what Charley got the redskins. He used one two first round draft choices washington had prior to the 1999 draft. In a trade to aquire brad johnson. a very good nfl quarterback at the time. He respectively traded washingtons 1st, 2nd and 4th round draft choices. the 1st rounder was respectively the 17th pick which the vikings drafted daunte culpeper with.
Part two anyone remember the Ricky william trade between the redskins and the New orleans saints? well that's how we got champ bailey... You see Then saints coach mike Ditka had to have ricky williams...bong and all. The redskins had the draft position to tke either ricky williams or another player like peter warrick. So casserly cut a deal with the saints. casserly traded the redskins other first rounder the draft the third overall choice to new orleans for all of there draft picks in the 99' draft and there first rounder in 2000. He then cut a deal with the chicago bears so he could move back up in the draft to the 8th spot. He then drafted champ bailey in the first round, aquired John Jansen in the 2nd round, had aquired Brad Johnson prior to the draft. And had amassed the redskins 3 first rounders for the 2000 draft. The result. Snyder fired him before the 99' season. and guess what the redskins traded a first rounder to the 49ers in the 2000 draft just to move up to the 2nd spot to draft Lavar Arrington, and got chris samuels with the 3rd pick.

(Editor's note: I'm pretty sure King got that from ExtremeSkins because good god whoever wrote that, while well informed, has the grammatical abilities of a six year old.)

He traded the Panthers pick #5, to the Saints, who gave up all their picks for Ricky Williams. He also got the Saints '00 pick. He then used the Saints first rounder to swap with the Bears, to get Champ Bailey. Their other first rounder was used to get Brad Johnson. The Vikings then used that pick to draft Dante Culepper.

Next year in 2000, the Redskins used their Saints pick (which was gotten with the Panthers pick) to draft LaVar Arrington. They traded up with San Francisco to select Chris Samuels right behind him. On a more confusing note:

Cost Analysis of Ditka's
Ricky Williams Trade
by Ron Marthia, March 26, 2003

In 1999 the New Orleans Saints made a much maligned trade with the Washington Redskins that brought an odd couple together--Mike Ditka and Ricky Williams. Washington's then-general manager Charlie Casserly gave up the fifth selection in the first round of the 1999 draft that Mike Ditka used on Ricky Williams for all six of Iron Mike's picks that year (1-12, 3-71, 4-107, 5-144, 6-179 and 7-218) plus 1st and 3rd-round choices in 2000 that became the 2nd and 64th overall.

Because Casserly used just three of the Saints picks to stock the Redskins roster and traded the others away, Ditka's critics never bothered to figure out just what players were ultimately tagged in the slots vacated by New Orleans.

The following is a record of what teams took what prospects with the draft choices New Orleans sacrificed for Ricky Williams:

Round-Player-Year Team Position Player
1-12-1999 Chicago Bears QB Cade McNown
3-71-1999 Chicago Bears WR D'Wayne Bates
4-107-1999 Washington Redskins LB Nate Stimson
5-144-1999 Chicago Bears LB Khari Samuel
6-179-1999 Denver Broncos TE Desmond Clark
7-218-1999 Denver Broncos WR Billy Miller
1-2-2000 Washington Redskins LB La'Var Arrington
3-64-2000 Washington Redskins DB Lloyd Harrison

Just one of these players is still with the team that picked him, Pro Bowl LB Arrington.

McNown, who bounced from the Bears to the Dolphins in 2001 and on to the 49ers in 2002, hasn't thrown a pass since 2000. D'Wayne Bates had a decent season with the Vikings in 2002, but he wasn't productive with the Bears, who lost him to free agency. Nate Stimsom hasn't played for anyone since he was drafted. Khari Samuel started one game with the Bears in 1999 but moved to Detroit in 2001 and then on to Houston in 2002. Desmond Clark had his best year with Denver in 2001 when he caught 56 passes for 566 yards but the Broncos let him go to Miami in 2002 when Shannon Sharpe reupped with Mike Shanahan's troops. After catching 2 passes for 42 yards in 2002, Clark departed early this month for Chicago as an unrestricted free agent. Billy Miller didn't do much of anything as a Bronco and served as a free agent tight end with the Houston expansion team in 2002, where he put up numbers similar to those notched by Clark in 2001. In his 4-year career, Lloyd Harrison has been with three teams, the Skins, Chargers and Dolphins. What city is next on the itinerary of the peripatetic Mr. Harrison?

Mike Ditka put himself in the spotlight when he made his bold and much maligned trade. If he had retained the picks he gave up for Ricky Williams and used them as the teams that acquired them did, he might not have become the object of ridicule that he became. Folks might have complained about two drafts that produced a net of one great linebacker, had they noticed, but they might not have noticed. Just as they have never noticed that the fateful 1-5-99 pick New Orleans traded for originally belonged to the Carolina Panthers genius who in 1998 thought DE-DT Sean Gilbert was worth a pair of future 1st-round draft choices that eventually turned out to be Ricky Williams (1-5-99) and DE Shaun Ellis (1-12-00).

One could argue they led to Champ Bailey and LaVar Arrington too, as the Panthers pick was the one that started the whole mess.

-King Rhabuf

Well, there you have it. The Panthers started a convoluted avalanche of shit with that Sean Gilbert trade. Our two picks led directly to Ricky Williams and Shaun Ellis. They led to the Redskins drafting Champ Bailey and LaVar Arrington as well.

Fan fucking tastic. Maybe it Arrington had been a Panthers he wouldn't have blown up his knee or dated Serena Williams.

Panthers Lists: All Time Shit Edition

2008-01-22T11:10:00.000-05:00

In lieu of actual news about the Panthers I'm going to post something I started writing when I was drunk last night. Originally it was even more ridiculous and contained things like Karl Hankton and Hodgkins - Lymphoma but I've toned it down a little bit here. Basically this is a shit list of Panthers players/general managers. This is in no way a comprehensive list. Feel free to add your own.

Also I'm not sure why I put Kevin Green on here but I trust a drunk me more than a sober me so whatever.

Kerry Collins: SUP MY NIGGERS!

Kerry Collins came into this town like a malevolent wave of death and would leave with a whimper. He sat most of 1995 behind Frank Reich before finishing the year as the starter and not really accomplishing much. He took the reigns in 1996 and established what would be the Panthers’ MO on offense that year that year; get the team within field goal range, don’t turn the ball over, hope the defense does something awesome. He even managed a pro bowl appearance that year because about 7 QBs ahead of him got injured and he just “happened” to be in Hawaii, something even a 10 year old me thought was a little suspicious. Appropriately he threw a game losing interception.

1997 fell apart like a Polish submarine made of shit. Kerry got his jaw broken in the preseason by Bill Romonowski and collapsed into himself. He called Muhsin Muhammad a nigger and Norberto Davids Garrdio a spic because he thought it would help them bond. Has there ever been a worse idea in the history of mankind? What does some ugly white boy from Pennsylvania think he can gain from dropping the N bomb to the OG, Muhsin Muhammad? Garrido has that immigrant work ethic thing and you know he wasn’t going to put up with that. Apparently Norberto stuck Kerry in the eye that night, and he’s lucky that’s all he did because I’ve seen Oz and I know how much Mexicans like to stab people.

Kerry descended farther and farther into alcoholism and began terrorizing the streets of Charlotte. Then, the coup de grace, in 1998 Kerry decided his “heart wasn’t in it” and decided to turn the team over to Steve Beurlein (thank Christ for that!) and quit. He bounced around to the Saints, then led the Giants to a ridiculous Super Bowl appearance, then the Raiders and has settled in with the Titans where he is currently the backup to the worst quarterback in the NFL, Vince Young.

The “Kerry Collins Affect” meant a whole lot more than just the 1997-98 collapse. It’s very difficult to recover from blown first round draft picks, but it’s even harder to do so when it’s a quarterback. God only knows how bad 98-00 could have been without the Steve Beurlein experience to back us up. Collins was indicative of the first seven or so years of the Carolina Panthers: Shitty draft picks, questionable character, and indefensible play on the field.

That’s the Panthers I know and love!

Kevin Green: Wheel Chair Wrestling

A lot of you are saying “um what the fuck” at Kevin Green. It’s deservedly so, until you remember that he went to San Francisco so he could be a professional wrestler. Think about that. He would rather join the WCW than play for the Panthers. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

He finally came back and what did he do? He got in a fight on the sidelines with one of the coaches in a nationally televised game. Lamar Lathon had to pull him off of somebody. I’m fairly certain Pat Summerall called that game and said, “And things are falling apart on the Carolina sideline.”

Also that picture at the top pretty much encapsulates his wrestling "career." Although I have no idea because wrestling is gay and I don't live in a trailer so I don't watch it.

I’m really drunk and I’m taking a break from watching Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood to write this in but seriously Kevin Greene, when you’re not being totally awesome on the field, eat a dick.

David Carr: David Carr's brother called me gay

David Carr was brought in after 5 years of underachieving in Houston. He was thrust into the starter’s role in his rookie year, a move most would consider a grievous mistake (undertaken by our old friend Dom Capers) and proceeded to not live up to expectations. There was hope for us, however. He had a great completion percentage his final year in Houston and the optimistic opinion was that he had been ruined by awful coaching. A year under Mike McCoy (why did this give anyone confidence?) and he would be right as rain.

By now we all know what happened. Jake Delhomme got injured and David Carr shit in the pancakes. He had regressed physically and mentally since his days in Houston. He didn’t look like he wanted to be out there. He had a penchant for forcing it to Keary Colbert. He ignored Steve Smith. Defenses would send one person after and drop 10 in coverage because they knew he’d freak out. It was some of the most pathetic football I’ve ever had to witness as a Panthers fan, and believe me there’s been a lot of it.

The worst part about David Carr is that he’s a fucking microcosm of Panthers free agents moves of late. Instead of bringing in capable, competitive, proven contributors like Ricky Proehl, Steven Davis, and Greg Favors, they go after big splashes that just blow up in their face. David Carr also personifies something else: failing epically. Remember in King Pin where his name (Munson) became synonymous with getting screwed? We should do that with Carr.

“Oh wow, Vick really Carr’d his career with that dog thing.”

"Chad Pennington is totally Carr'd."

"Way to Carr yourself there Pacman Jones."

I think it has a nice ring to it.

Sean Gibert: Why God Why?

Holy hell what a bucket of fail this turned out to be.

Dom Capers decided that he needed a game changig defensive end. Okay, cool, that’s a good idea I guess. True to Dom Capers form, he decided the answers to his prayers were a former number 3 pick from University of Pittsburgh who had held out an entire year for the Redskins in a contract dispute. Free Agency is a good idea because we were starting to realize that he didn't know how to draft.

Now the price. Keep in mind this is a guy who just sat out for an entire year. He’s not exactly a team first guy or even that great on the field; after a Pro Bowl year in 1993 his biggest selling point was a Defensive Player of the Week award in 1996. This guy went downhill faster than an out of control wheel chair in San Francisco and EVERYONE knew it. Dom Capers decided he was worth not one, but TWO first round picks.

This wouldn’t have been as bad if it happened in like 1984. Before Jimmy Johnson fleeced the entire state of Minnesota in the Herschel Walker trade, no one really understood what draft picks were worth. You could get a first rounder in the eighties from Atlanta, for example, for a bucket of friend chicken and a bag of magic beans. Jimmy Johnson basically came out with a chart that explained it all, and the gist of it is that high first rounders are basically untouchable for anything except an elite, established player. This was known.

What did those picks become? One of them, the 2000 draft pick, eventually landed in the hands of the Jets who took Chris Samuels with it. The other was sent to New Orleans for the rights to Ricky Williams in exchange for a butt load of picks and turned into a bunch of players, including Lavaar Arrington and Champ Bailey. Here, you try to figure this out.

DE Sean Gilbert to Carolina (1998) from Washington for a 1-5-99 and a 1-12-00 pick. The 1-5-99 pick went to New Orleans (see next entry) while the 1-12-00 pick was traded to the 49ers, who sent it to the Jets (see 2000: T Chris Samuels and DE Shaun Ellis).

RB Ricky Williams (1-5-99) to New Orleans from Carolina/Washington for eight draft choices, three of which netted Washington LB Nate Stimson (4-107-99), LB LaVar Arrington (1-2-00) and DB Lloyd Harrison (3-64-00). Five of the eight picks were included in other trades made by Washington.

1. 1-12-99 and 3-71-99 picks from New Orleans/Washington to Chicago for DB Champ Bailey (1-7-99). Chicago selected QB Cade McNown and WR D'Wayne Bates.
2. 5-144-99 from New Orleans/Washington, along with a 2-40-99 from Washington, to Chicago for T Jon Jansen (2-37-99). Chicago chose LB Khari Samuel (5-144-99) and traded Washington's 2-40-99 pick to Oakland (see 1999: DE Tony Bryant).
3. 6-179-99 and 7-218-99 picks from New Orleans/Washington to Denver for T Derek Smith (5-165-99). Denver chose TE Desmond Clark (6-179-99) and WR Billy Miller (7-218-99).

It turns out that Sean Gilbert was a gigantic bust, set the entire franchise back four years, and was the final nail in the coffin for Dom Capers. Gilbert managed to get six sacks but wasn’t exactly the game changing force they’d hoped he be. He never adjusted to the 3-4.

It’s hard to hate Sean Gilbert for this. It’s not his fault Dom Capers overpaid so ridiculously for him. However, he’s sorta the face for that entire debacle. Mentioning Dom Capers brings up an entirely different reaction from people and they usually don’t realize you’re talking about Sean Gilbert.

Bill Polian - Later, bitches!

Once again, a guy who did a lot of good for the Panthers. He basically put together a NFC Champion contending team in a year using scraps from other teams and an expansion draft that has since been toned down because of how great an advantage it gives to new teams.

But then holy hell did he take the money and run. In 1997 he became the President of the Indianapolis Colts, leaving the Panthers in the incapable hands of Dom Capers. Capers would proceed to follow Polian’s habit of drafting the team into the ground.

Polian’s draft picks while in Carolina weren’t just horrible, he passed on legitimately great players while making them. He took Tshiamunga Biakabtuka over Eddie George. At the press conferece he was asked if he “…had any concerns about Biakabatuka’s injury history.”

“None,” was his response. Boy that would become a recurring fucking theme.

Muhsin Muhammad over Marvin Harrison? Check. Wide receiver who murdered his pregnant girlfriend? Check. Alcoholic shit smear from Pennsylvania? Check.

Not to mention he threw a chair in a press conference.

Die in a fire.

Also, holy hell a Colts fan wrote his wikipedia page

Tom Sorensen: Somehow manages to not write about the Panthers

2008-01-18T15:47:00.000-05:00

In a stunning move that achieves new heights in mediocrity for even Tom Sorensen, he has managed to write an article about the Panthers that isn't about the Panthers at all. When looking for a picture of him, hopefully eating a stick of glue, I came across this picture of a Dutch goalie with the same name.

I think it's now safe to assume that not only has Tom Sorensen never seen a Panther game, but he also plays the most boring position in the most boring sport in all the god damn land. Seriously, I'd rather watch 4 hours of jai'lai than ten minutes of soccer.

The faggotry starts right at the title for Tom, as it often does.

Panthers should pass
on run-oriented attack

New England a good role model for Carolina

Tom comes right out and says that the Panthers should model themselves after the best team record wise in the NFL. I'm sure about thirty five reasons that's not possible just flew through your head, but that's not going to stop Tom! Here are the highlights.

Run the ball, drink at least eight glasses of water a day and, speaking of water, don't dive in for at least an hour after you eat.

Tom Sorensen as this bizarre habit of filling his columns with absolutely meaningless tripe like this. Instead of actually writing anything they let him get away with taking up a paragraph worth of space with shit his kid wouldn't be able to turn in for a passing grade in his fifth grade class.

But when owners, general managers and coaches look at what New England has accomplished this season, they have to be tempted to borrow its philosophy if not overtly steal it.

Oh okay so all we need is a Hall of Fame quarterback, a Hall of Fame Wide Receiver, a Hall of Fame coach to implement it, and a legion of asshole fans to lean on. Consider it implemented! What else do you need Tom?

It also must have imagination. Not only do you have to take on defenses, you have to take on convention.

That's the missing ingredient to the Panthers! Imagination! Quick, we need some imagination inspiration!

Woo, I don't know about you but I sure am ready to go out and break passing records.

Sorensen ends this piece of shit with this gem.

Would the Patriots fail with a lesser quarterback, blockers and receivers?
Or instead of going 16-0, would they go a mere 10-6?

[masshole]Anything less than 16-0 is failure for the Patriots![/masshole]

I don't know, Tom. Let's give them the Panthers offensive line and see how many games they win. Or maybe Keary Colbert and Drew Carter. I'm sure Belichick can get the most out of them! Maybe with David Carr under center they'll be able to eek out a few wins.

Look, it's not Tom Sorensen's fault he doesn't know anything about football. The Charlotte Observer has shown for years that knowing anything about the subject you're covering isn't a prerequisite. He just sees the Patriots on his television, takes his toes out of his mouth and says, "We do that good then will be!"

The Patriots are a lot of things the Panthers aren't, and have a lot of things that the Panthers don't have. They have an offensive line that is good, effective, and allowed to hold on every play. They have receivers that are allowed to push off and can bail out Brady's wounded ducks past 30 yards. They have a QB that can see the entire field, pick apart a defense underneath the coverage, and knows if anyone touches him he can bitch to the officials and get a 15 yard penalty. They also have a defense with a great defense line and a back 8 that doesn't get called for a single penalty, masking how horrifically ineffective they are.

The Panthers have a good wide receiver. One. That's it. I'm confident that the Rhyne Robsinon love train will get into full gear this season, but they still need 80 percent of an offensive line. They still need complementary receivers. And most importantly, they need someone who is not:

Panthers.com: Ministry of Truth edition

2008-01-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

Someone has alerted me to the front page of a 25 page report from the Panthers FO about the season for the fans and even though I can't find it online I'm going to assume what I've been shown is true because only the Panthers would be bold enough to lie in the face of their ticket holders like this. Honestly when I read 1984 I thought it would only be relevant in regards to bleak visions of the future in video games or Republican presidents but my god.

When the Carolina Panthers 2007 season began it would have been impossible to foresee the unlikely quartet of Vinny Testaverde, Matt Moore, Jake Delhomme and David Carr starting at quarterback, much less each recording a victory. The Panthers joined the San Francisco 49ers as the only other team in the League to start four different quarterbacks and the first team in 10 years to have four different quarterbacks start and win a game.

I totally agree! When the season began it would have been impossible to predict just how badly the FO's lack of planning and scouting would come back to bite us in the ass. If not for the miracle of Matt Moore we may have brought Jeff Lewis out of retirement to finish off the season.

“The bottom line is the record was not what we hoped for,” says John Fox, whose 56 wins over the last six seasons are ninth in the NFL. “It was a season that tested everyone associated with the team.”

Oh this fact is such a crock of shit. Who gives a flying fuck? Let's think of coaches that have been with their teams since John took over in 2002. We've got Gruden, Reid, Lovie Smith, Holmgren, Belichick, Dungy, Billick (just fired), and Shanahan. Then Fox. Out of all of those, who would you least want to have? At least Billick is funny.

• Twelve rookies and first-year players on the final roster, including six who started games.

I'd really rather Dwayne Jarret and Ryan Kalil had never seen the field but I guess that's just me. I'm not sure you can call what they did "playing."

•Steve Smith, who became the first Panther to record three consecutive 1,000-yard receiving seasons despite playing with four different quarterbacks.

Somehow the most dynamic wide receiver to ever play the game only had 1,003 yards and 7 touchdowns. Yeah, positive.

•Linebacker Jon Beason, who set a team record with 160 tackles as a rookie while starting 16 games.

Okay Beason is God. He probably wouldn't have had to set the record though if there was anyone in front of him capable of making a talent.

•Running back DeAngelo Williams, who rushed for 717 yards and averaged 5.0 yards per carry.

The only thing this does is show how fucking stupid Fox is for not starting him all season.

The offensive line was again anchored by right tackle Jordan Gross, who has started 80 consecutive regular season games with left tackle Travelle Wharton, guard Mike Wahle, and center Justin Hartwig manning other positions.

I'm not sure "manning" is the correct term here. I think occupying is a much better word, since manning implies that they were competent enough to hold it down.

On second thought, manning sounds like a navy term, and we all know the navy is gay, so yes, that's what Hartwig, Wahle, and Wharton did: they gayed up the offensive line.

Acquired in a preseason trade with Chicago, Harris was second to Beason in tackles with 102 but produced a number of big plays with a team record eight forced fumbles, three fumble recoveries and an interception.

What does it say when a player who comes in during the pre season is the second best player on your defense? the best tackler? forces the most fumbles? is the most outspoken? the best player is a rookie who hasn't been indoctrinated yet with the culture of mediocrity allowed to permeate the Panthers under Fox.

MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE COACHING STAFF YOU DUMB FUCKS

The defense finished fourth in the League in yards per carry allowed and 16th in overall defense with mainstays along the defensive line in ends Julius Peppers and Mike Rucker along with tackles Kris Jenkins and Maake Kemoeatu.

This could probably be explained by the fact that offenses rarely had that far to go. The Panthers offense would get it, flail about ineptly for 90 seconds, punt from their 18, give up a 40 yard return, and before anyone knew what was happening the other team's offense was inside Carolina's thirty.

Cornerbacks Ken Lucas, Richard Marshall and Chris Gamble enjoyed solid seasons in the secondary with Marshall excelling on special teams as well with a team-high 17 tackles. Marshall also tied safety Deke Cooper for the lead in interceptions with three.

True story that the special teams only recorded 22 tackles this year. Jon Beason caused the other 5 with his mind.

Don't worry Panther fans. Tons of good can be taken out of this season. All you have to do is take stats out of context, like blatantly to people, parse things that are favorable, and make sure you don't have a soul.

Jerry Richardson: tucking in John Fox since 2003

2008-01-17T00:28:00.000-05:00

Jerry Richardson came out of his cave today to address the media. I'm assuming it looked something like this.

Anyway this story is set to be posted by the observer in about three hours but I'm beating them to the punch because even a free lance blogger is worth more than the Charlotte fucking Observer.

“I asked one group, “Have y’all seen Phantom of the Opera? You remember the guy with the white face?” I was going all around under the ground. And then he sings this beautiful song; I sort of feel like him but I can’t sing. I visited with the people, probably ten different groups.

“And then John and Marty, they’re feeling awful. So I didn’t want to tell them that I wanted to visit with them because I didn’t want to make that more stressful on them.

Um, I'm not kidding. This is in there for some reason. We all know Panthers games are torture for the actual fans that show up. Two decade old rock and cheerleaders that belong at a service academy game don't really whip us up into a frenzy, but what the fuck are you babbling about Jerry?

"Hi, welcome to Bank of America stadium, please let me know if we get too loud. Also in the third quarter we'll be giving out tickets to Blithe Spirit!"

We started about quarter ‘til 2, and I began (by reminding them) the sky is not falling. That there was no anger from me, and I would listen to whatever they had to say. And that at 6 o’clock we’d stop, and we’d have dinner, the three of us. And after dinner, we would do something fun.

Taken out of context that sounds really gay.

After 6 we weren’t going to talk about football anymore.

I told them we were going to bed at 9:30, which we did. There was no TV, and I didn’t know if I could trust those two guys (smiling). Up at our lake when it gets dark, it’s dark—it’s up at Lake James. And at 9:45, I wondered if I needed to do a bed check (laughs). I got up; there wasn’t a light on; I could barely see. And I looked down the hall and I stumbled down to their rooms to make sure that they were in their beds. They were—they passed the bed check.

So in the midst of the most important conversation in the history of the franchise, one that will determine whether John Fox and Marty Hurney stay on, Richardson gives them a bed time? Are you fucking serious? A FUCKING BED TIME? Did you give them those little pajamas with padded feet too? Maybe a blankie? Everyone in the front office of this team needs to die. If I'm working for a guy who tells me to go to bed at 930 and checks on me (because I sure as hell couldn't get to sleep) I'm not working for that guy in the morning.

Q: ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT THE IMPRESSION OF THIS BEING A “WIN OR ELSE” SEASON FOR FOX AND HURNEY, HOW THAT WILL IMPACT THE PLAYERS AND STAFF?

A: "I can see how some could perceive it that way. But the important thing is, I don’t perceive it that way. I was in New York one time, having lunch with (then Commissioner) Pete Rozelle. There were some business people (nearby) having a discussion about the Giants and the Jets, and they were experts; in their minds, they were experts. They had different points of view; that’s our business; the more different points of view, the better for us. I would say, that’s just part of the NFL and sports in general. People have different points of view."

Don't worry John. Jerry doesn't expect success. Meander to 7-9 again and you should be alright.

Q: CAN YOU ELABORATE ON WHAT YOU THREE DECIDED YOU WANT MOVING FORWARD?

A: “We want to be a physical team, and we want to be able to run the ball; stop the run. And if you do those two things, you’re likely going to have opportunities to exploit the passing game and specifically, Steve (Smith). And we always want to be very good on special teams. That’s different than saying we want to be a West Coast-type pass offense.

You want to run the ball and stop the run? Know what you need to do that? Offensive and Defensive linemen. Guess what positions on the team are the weakest. Hmm, seems to me that the guys you have in place aren't doing their job.

“I would like for the Carolina Panthers and the way we operate our team to simulate the Pittsburgh Steelers. And that applies even to how we operate our stadium. We don’t have a lot of fancy stuff going on."

They also put a winning product on the field. People are a lot more willing to except Sparta when they actually have something to cheer for.

We try to have the best playing surface we can have; we’re very particular about that. We have the NFL logo on our 50-yardline because we want to reemphasize to our fans this is NFL football; it’s not something else. It’s the most powerful brand in sports.

Well guys forget about football we've got great fucking grass and the NFL shield at midfield. Alright now let's go have some cucumber cakes and drink tea and make sure you're in bed for your naps at 1 PM sharp!

“We don’t play wild music at games. We try to do things in a dignified way. We try to make the outside of the stadium as pristine as it can be, the restrooms as clean as they can be. We want a fan-family environment; there was a time when we used to get a lot of flack about taking shirts off; we don’t hear that anymore. So we talked about those sorts of things, and I think they’re clear and I’m clear.”

Jerry Richardson is so fucking out of touch with this team and the fanbase it's disgusting. What is dignified about the Carolina Panthers the last two seasons? Falling apart in the second half? David Carr? And a fan-family environment? What the fuck does that mean? Oh, it means a place a dad can bring his two daughters and not have them hear the word Fuck before he leaves at halftime and a bunch of fucking ass hole Dallas fans just congeal from the ground and take the seats. It's a fucking football game, not Wimbledon.

There are going to be changes; I don’t know if you can put them in the category of surprises; I couldn’t qualify that. … John and Marty have prepared; they’ve got a lot to do now. It’s not going to be a ho-hum off-season, it looks like."

This means absolutely nothing because they're all assholes and this team is falling apart and I hate to watch it. Jerry has shown that he doesn't actually have a commitment to winning by his actions. 8-8 next year and no one let me think otherwise.

Totally unsubstantiated rumor: Kiffin in talks with Panthers

2008-01-16T12:50:00.000-05:00

Now this is from The Huddle but the guy that posted it is rather reliable so I'm just going to run with it because it's not like I have any credibility anyway but apparently Monte Kiffin showed up in Carolina to talk about becoming their defensive coordinator.

Have been hearing it for a few days now from different directions, so I thought I would post it.

Kiffin very well may be using this as a negotiating tool to get more $$ in Tampa, but his camp has spoken to the Panthers to gauge interest, and apparently there was some. The Panthers do not plan on firing Trgo unless there is a big upgrade available, in which case they will act quickly.

St Pete Times reporting that it appears less likely that Kiffin leaves due to the USC situation, but does recognize it is about the money...

http://blogs.tampabay.com/bucs/2008/...kiffin-up.html

If you're like me you just ejaculated about a bajillion times which isn't as entertaining as it may seem but I'm going to keep pressing f5 on Gantt's website until he confirms it either way.

In the meantime I'm going to think about what an actual defensive coordinator who does things like make adjustments and teach fundamentals could do with Beason, Marshall, Harris, and the rest of the assholes on the defense. I mean hell he turned Ruud, Tanard, and the ghosts of Brooks and Barber into the best defense in the league this year.

In the Paint with Pep: Depth and Weapons Editions

2008-01-16T08:41:00.000-05:00

Panthers.com has made it annual update and they apparently ignored my requests for more of DeAngelo Williams movie reviews. That's okay. You can keep banning my email accounts; I can always make more. And I will bitches. Oh yes. I will.

Today they've started their new feature! In the Paint with Pep! In case you didn't know, Julius Peppers was proof that if you're athletic enough in basketball, actual skills aren't that necessary.

This would later become the Chris Wilcox rule.

Anyway, here's the header from Panthers.com.

First there was the Colbert Campus Report, now there is In the Paint with Pep. Julius Peppers, who once helped lead the North Carolina Tar Heels to the Final Four, analyzes the college hoops scene for you from now until March Madness. See who his top seeds are, his game of the week and his upset of the week.

Well that's a fucking kiss of death. Quick, contact the Redskins and see if you can fleece a first out of them for him.

Just out of curiosity, let's see what he ranks everything.

1. North Carolina: I like the Heels. They have a lot of depth. A LOT of depth. They also have the best player in the nation in Tyler Hansbrough (right) and they have good coaching.

Not only do they have a lot of depth, but they have a LOT of depth. I wasn't aware that Quentin Thomas constituted depth anywhere but South Meck's JV squad. Julius also hasn't seen a single game this year and has only listened to the analysts because Tyler is clearly the second best player on the team behind Wayne the Rain and I'd argue Danny Green has become more important but whatever.

I may be alone with this but Roy Williams is overrated as shit. He could send one of those clapping monkey toys into a recruits house and have him sign. Hey Roy, how about more fadeaway threes in the last 2 minutes against Georgetown in the Elite 8 you stupid twat!

2. Memphis: They’re too explosive. They have a lot of weapons, and I like Joey Dorsey in the paint.

Really Julius? They're too explosive? Does that mean they don't need to suck down oxygen after every play? Maybe you should go see the same "doctor" that Calipari sends his players to.

3. Kansas: Just like the top two, they have a lot of depth and weapons, and Brandon Rush is a good leader for them.

Much like the first two they have a horrible tournament coach, depth, and weapons. Nothing like looking forward to Kansas' annual 2nd round exit!

4. Duke: I like Duke at four because they’re Duke. They have Coach K, and they have depth, too. They try to push the ball and play a Phoenix Suns style of basketball.

Oh eat a dick. They've beaten up on teams like Dupont and Miami of Ohio. They've lost the only real game they've played. Their tallest guy is like 6'3. Julius just wants everyone to know that he doesn't watch college basketball. You can add this to a long list of things he doesn't do, like getting pumped up for games, showing emotion, being a leader, and not getting AIDs.

EA: Going out of its way to suck since the beginning of time

2008-01-15T22:33:00.000-05:00

We all know that EA sucks. We all know that instead of trying not to suck, they decided to buy out their competition so they could release the same fucking game every year with updated names on the jerseys and an extra tackling motion. And they know we'll buy it because we're all hopelessly addicted to the NFL and will take any little bit we can get.

The last roster updated was basically taking Vick out of the game and it figures because they clearly don't give a shit about their customers. However, now they've given us something new to bitch about! Let's start with Jon Beason.

Jon Beason: The Reason we still watch

Here is a picture of Jon wearing his trademarked number 2 and covering a defensive tackle for the Saints for some reason. Here is his blurb on EA's update list.

• LB Jon Beason – Panthers – 82 to 86 – Starting at MLB for the Panthers after Dan Morgan shut it down the for the season. Would be defensive rookie of the year in the NFC if not for Mr. Patrick Willis.

86. Uh, what the fuck.

• LB Patrick Willis – 49ers – 89 to 94 – Leading the NFL in tackling in his rookie year. He is 50 tackles ahead of the next guy on his team.

So after a full season Jon Beason isn't as good as Patrick Willis was before playing a down? Let's look at the stats to see just how fucked up this ranking is.

At middle linebacker this year, Beason is averaging 10 tackles a game. Patrick Willis? 11. That's right. Apparently 1 more tackle a game is worth 8 Madden ranking points.

They probably looked at his sacks stats without realizing that the Panthers hardly ever blitz, and if they do it's Thomas Davis. Also, does Willis have anyone competent on that defense with him? After Lawson went down, wasn't it just him, Clements, and nine guys named Steve?

I guess "Not being a Liability in Coverage" isn't a stat you can measure on Madden. NBALIC isn't a handy little acronym they can fit in. Unfortunately there's not stat for "Making a rap song about fucking dem bitches on the 7th floor of your dorm" because I'm pretty sure there are no girls at Ole Miss and if there were jesus christ it's Mississippi! They don't make a condom thick enough for that adventure.

David Carr: The bottom has just dropped out

Just in case David Carr's brother is reading this and is preparing to call me gay again, I used David Carr in online play. That's right. Before the season started and we all learned how horrible he is, I used him because he had the same stats as Jake Delhomme and was kinda mobile.

Of course after the shit hit the fan I cut his ass the second I could find a piece of meat on his body thick enough to kick.

David Carr is now a 76. I think that's still too high, but let's look at his competition.

• QB Kellen Clemens – Jets – 78 to 79 – The Jets fans got their wish when the bigger armed QB got the nod. Although he has a 2 /1 INT/TD ratio

• QB Josh McCown – Raiders – 78 to 79 – Played pretty well before running into Green Bay last week.

• QB Tarvaris Jackson – Vikings – 77 to 78 – Has played very well the last 4 weeks, all wins. 77%, 83%, 75% and 64% are his completion percentages those weeks.

• QB Damon Huard – Chiefs – 80 to 78 – Was unable to continue the momentum he had at the start of the season. Looked terrible when he had to start for an injured Croyle.

I can't honestly say I wouldn't take all of the over White Gloves McShitSucker

That's all I'm going to do right now because I'm drunk and tired.

Stan Olsen is a stupid twat.

2008-01-14T08:25:00.000-05:00

There are two types of people in this world. The first are people that realize Deshaun Foster is a terrible running back that should never see the field. The second are dumbasses that should be sterilized. Stan Olsen, come on down for the kool - aid!

Satisfaction, because when Carolina's rushing attack clicked, it dominated -- and brought results. The Panthers were 6-2 in the eight games in which they topped 100 yards, and they totaled 166 or more in five. They won each of those games.

Frustration, in that the Panthers failed to gain 100 yards on the ground in half of their games. Since an effective running game is a key part of coach John Fox's scheme, Carolina was 1-7 in those punchless games.

Are you fucking kidding me? He got paid to write that? Since when did John Madden start writing for the Charlotte Observer? I mean, I know you guys aim for mediocrity, but Jesus Christ. Hey guys, guess what, whomever scores the most points wins almost 73% of the time! The other 27% are times you're a dumbass, Stan Olsen! Where's my paycheck?

At this point you have to wonder where Olsen is going with this article. If you're like me, you were anticipating the details of his latest acid trip. That would have been more informative than the tripe he was coming up with. His sinister motives soon became clear.

On 121 first-half carries, Foster totaled 468 yards (3.9 average). Williams had 54 carries before the break, and gained 221 yards (4.1). Not a lot to choose from.
The difference becomes dramatic after halftime. Foster got slightly more carries than he did in the first half, with 126. They produced just 408 yards, a 3.2 average.
Williams, on the other hand, saw his rushing attempts dramatically increase, to 90, and he produced 496 yards after the half, a 5.5 average.

dude, this is some through the looking glass shit! So what you've done is statistically proven that Williams gets better in the second half while Foster remains mediocre! Surely you won't use this to springboard into a defense of Deshaun Foster-

First, it was Foster's job to soften up opposing defenses. At 6-feet and 222 pounds, he is bigger than the 5-9, 217-pound Williams, and was called on to do most of that first-half pounding.

So at an extra 5 pounds it was Foster's job to soften up the defense? Either Olsen is an idiot or John Fox is an idiot. I'm inclined to believe it's a combination of the two somehow.

Also remember Williams was the change-of-pace back, a guy who usually entered the game after a heavy dose of Foster. With a different style and better cutback ability, some of Williams' yards likely came when he caught by surprise opponents who were getting used to Foster.

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you really suggesting that when Williams came into the game and didn't suck it caught the defense off guard? Do you really think anyone ignored DeAngelo in practice the week before? Of fucking course not!

When the defenses went to watch film, it was divided into two sections. First, they showed Williams. They all took notes about how to try to stop DeAngelo. This probably took the majority of the time. Towards the end they'd mention the other asshole who liked to fumble, then had punch and pie and hand massages.

That, combined with the possible tiring of Foster late in games, might have led to the dramatic disparity in their second-half rushing averages.

Oh, he gets tired at the end of games? Boo fucking hoo, this isn't figure skating. It's not like he was out there long enough to get tired. What do you think the defense thinks of Foster getting tired when they're out there 40 minutes a game because Deshaun playing hop scotch behind the line of scrimmage never picks up a first down?

The coup de grace is this ridiculous chart that he put at the bottom.

What the fuck does this even mean? are you suggesting there are six halves in football, Stan? What kind of mutant form of Canadian football have you been watching?

I hate the Charlotte Observer.

Dan Morgan: Ruining Jon Beason one Hyperbaric Chamber at a Time

2008-01-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

I was sitting there calmly at the Georgia Aquarium, watching fish float to the top of the tank and kids scream at their parents when I spotted this gut raping video. I'm on a faggy mac so I can't actually post that and I had to blow the dust off a PC I found in the basement to watch this and I was immediately horrified.

Before we get to the content of this video, here is a funny picture of the subject in question.

That's right. It's Jon Beason. One of three shining stars on the Panthers' defense this year.

The film clip? Jon Beason is training with Dan Morgan.

Yeah, read that again and try not to shit yourself in horror.

I know what a lot of you people out there are thinking. Yes, Dan Morgan has incredible seasons. Dan Morgan 2003 was unbelievable. He would have won Super Bowl MVP if John Kasay and Deon Grant hadn't shit the bed. I know he was awesome in 2005. I know in 2004 he was a large reason the Panthers nearly pulled off the most improbably playoffs charge in NFL history.

That said, the motherfucker is snake bit and I don't want him any-fucking-where near The Beast, alright? What the fuck else can Morgan teach except how to lead with your head straight into the ground? At MLB last year, Jon Beason averaged basically 10 tackles a game. In Morgan's best year, 2004, he averaged 8.4. Unless they want to teach Beason how to get stiff armed by Bret Favre and have your leg broken by torn up turf, I'm failing to see the reasoning here.

I love Dan. He had great games for the Panthers. However, the only way I want him near Beason is if he's playing weak side linebacker and taking his orders from my 7th Floor Crew hero. If Dan wants to tell Jon about the benefits of a Lazerus Chamber or whatever else the fuck it is he shares with Micheal Jackson then fine, be my guest, but have him do it by carrier pigeon or fire signal or something.

Steve Reed has lost his mind.

2008-01-11T11:16:00.000-05:00

I'm a big fan of Steve Reed because he seems to really like the Panthers and as such as probably as depressed as I am but what the christ is this article?

If you don't want to read and want me to guide you through this garden of "what the christ" then I'm willing to do that for you. The basic gist is that the Panthers, a team that as it stands have little to no cap space and probably won't contend next year anyway, are going to raid the pantry on the Dallas Cowboys.

if the Cowboys give Barber a fat contract, as I suspect they will, then starter Julius Jones is almost certain to depart. Jones is an unrestricted free agent and would look pretty good splitting time in Carolina with DeAngelo Williams. The 5-foot-10, 208-pound Jones is the type of physical running back that John Fox prefers. And he’s only 26. You’d have to think Jones is eager to get out of Barber’s shadow and go where he can shine. Although Jones normally starts, Barber winds up seeing the majority of reps and gets most of the goal-line carries.

Here we are on the eve of getting out of the horror of the Deshaun Foster era and you want them to go after a guy who is basically the same player? You want them to cut Foster, take a 5 mil hit against the cap, then sign a person who is essentially the same?

Julius Jones is a fool and will want money he doesn't deserve. He hits the line with his back for christ's sake. The reason he didn't get any goal line carries is because he's useless there. How in the world is that a good alternative to DeAngelo Williams?

If Adams comes available, the Panthers would be crazy not to do everything they can to sign him. Not only would he be a tremendous upgrade over Travelle Wharton, who is also an unrestricted free agent, but it would deal a big blow to an NFC opponent.

I love this deal. You know what else I love? Puppies. And Kittens. If they could make a hybrid of a puppy and a kitten I would buy one so fucking fast. I don't care if my girlfriend is allergic to cats; I'd make her like that damn thing. I would name it Chuckles and I would take pictures of it playing with things then add funny captions underneath.

But back to football, Flozell adams would be great! That would let us say goodbye to Travelle Wharton. After that, we could cut Wahle and bring in Faneca. Then we'd trade Hartwig for Hutchinson and move Kalil to Center. Gross would take a home team discount and play RT for the league minimum.

What's that? Reality? Salary Cap? Who the fuck are you?

All signs point to the Cowboys placing the high tender on Canty, so he could be off the market. If they place anything but the high tender on Canty, the Panthers could pounce as they look to find a replacement for Mike Rucker.

I mean yeah this would be cool and all but you're assuming that a 3-4 DE would transition

perfectly to 4-3 which isn't a given. Also I don't want to have to give a fucking third to Dallas.

But the Panthers could have another shot at Hamlin, who is again an unrestricted free agent. Let’s hope the Panthers don’t make the same mistake twice. He would help a position that is in dire need of an upgrade

Hamlin is fucking terrible and I have no idea what Steve Reed is smoking. Yes we have a horrible need to end the Deke Cooper experience but Hamlin is a lateral move at best. Citing his pro bowl is bullshit since he took Chris Harris' spot. Look how much better Seattle's pass defense was this year without him. It wasn't just the presence of Patrick Kerney making the quarterback's life miserable; it was the absence of that crotch stain Hamlin.

But that hit he put on Donté Stallworth is still fucking incredible.

Cowboys special teams ace Keith Davis is unrestricted, too, and we all know how bad the Panthers were on special teams this year. Enough said.

I mean cool a special teams player whatever. This team isn't going to get over the top by adding a gunner.

Terry Glenn could be deemed expendable this off-season. Now, granted, Glenn is 33 and he hasn’t caught a pass all season due to a lingering knee injury, but the Panthers could do worse. Let’s not forget that in 2005 and 2006, Glenn combined to catch 132 passes for 2,183 yards and 13 touchdowns. However, the guy I’d like to see them go after here is Seattle wideout D.J. Hackett

Oh boy a 33 year old wide receiver who just missed all of the 2007 season where the fuck do I sign up. And DJ Hackett? Another low ceiling system wide receiver with 9 TDs in three seasons? A guy who only played 6 games this year? Why the hell don't we just keep Drew Carter, slam our dicks in the door and call it even?

There's tons of things the Panthers need to do in the offseason to get better. An entirely different team and coaching staff would be a good start. However, we don't have the ability to do any of it right now, and I certainly don't want another former Dallas Cowboy I have to cheer for. I've used all my capacity on Matt Moore, but he never played a regular season game so he doesn't count...right? RIGHT?

You rock rotoworld. Everyone else, fuck you.

2008-01-11T10:47:00.000-05:00

I don't know if any of you read rotoworld.com but you fucking should because they're the only ones who understand just how incredible Matt Moore is.

53. Matt Moore, Panthers - undrafted player was the most impressive rookie quarterback

That's right. Fuck you Trent Edwards. Did you beat the NFC West Champions? Of course you fucking didn't. Jamarcus Russell, you can just go get fucked you huge tub of lard. I didn't see you burning the secondary of the team with the best record in the NFC with a perfect fade to Steve Smith. Brady Quinn? More like Brady fag amiright. Oh, I'm sorry, did you even get off the bench? Matt Moore didn't notice; he was too busy beating up on the NFC South champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

That's not all that's on that list. Check out all the qbs he was better then that weren't rookies. Matt Leinart? Sweet draft pick, Arizona. You could have waited a year and gotten a better qb for nothing. Jim Sorgi gets to sit behind the best qb in the league and Moore is already better than him. Byron Leftwich can't even keep his knee together which is something Moore excels at. No one gives a shit about Brad Johnson's super bowl ring. Sweet fuck up on that one, Dallas.

I think it's pretty obvious that this recognition by such a prestigious publication, as well as the rookie of the month award for december, is rockhard proof of the amazingness that is to come.

Elite 8 of shit cont'd

2008-01-10T11:23:00.000-05:00

Position 3: QB (Descent into Madness)

Of course many of you are thinking "No shit" at this, but this post relates more closely to the true nature of Fox.

It's no secret that David Carr is bad. I mean, he's phenomenally bad. He came to the Panthers with promise, and I must admit that I, along with many others, thought that he could be the QB of the future if given a few years to get his feet back under him. Like seabiscuit.

Turns out he was completely useless in every regard and had regressed both mentally and physically. Rotoworld had him ranked as the 48th quarterback this year.

I'm not going to go on about Carr in this post because HOOOOOOOLY shit that's coming but Fox. To Fox and co. a big shake up is doing what is glaringly obvious to everyone else. We all know that Carr is cut the second they're allowed to, salary cap ramifications be damned. We all know that Jake is the (gulp) quarterback of this team and that he'll probably be ready. We know that Matt Moore is Zeus and will be the backup next year, with Hot Boots Basanez taking third.

But Fox thinks this is earth shattering because he is a twat.

Position 4: Wide Receiver (How do I catch ball?)

I'd just like to give a quick shout out to every single pampered, untested athlete that doesn't play linebacker at USC. You guys are absolutely useless; you don't learn how to run routes, play physical football, or rise against big competition. You play at most one meaningful conference game a year. You think beating up on Notre Dame is an accomplishment. You have a sacrificial lamb thrown to you annually in the Rose Bowl so you can continue your "tradition."

The Panthers have been raped in the ass by USC wide receivers twice in four years and frankly it's just another indictment of the coaching staff that they keep falling for it. Keary Colbert had an inexplicably good year in 2002 after Steve Smith and every other single offensive option went down. Football Outsiders ranked him as the worst wide receiver in the NFL. Luckily he's gone.

Dwayne Jarrett, another douchebag out of USC, did nothing but eat cheet-o's (I'm assuming) and not see the playing field (this is a fact). He finished the season with 6 receptions for a whopping 73 yards. He got called out by Jesus for being a bitch. He was more notorious for hitting the Charlotte clubs than watching game film, and if you would rather go clubbing in Charlotte you must REALLY not want to prepare for the next game.

Drew Carter, with the exception of the two or three games a year where he inflates the hell out of his stats, is just like every other wide receiver out of Ohio State: shit.

There is hope for the Panthers at the position though. Jarrett's slack and apathy was picked up by Ryne Robinson, who has become best buds with Jesus and will compete to be the number 2 wide receiver next year with the rest of the crap on the roster and whatever we bring in.

Honestly, with Steve Smith, you don't need something incredible on the other side, just someone who will catch the ball when they're wide open.

Position 5: DE (Peppers' chlamydia edition)

If you're like me (and you're not) you were terrified when you heard that Rucker was coming back from his injury. If there's one thing we've learned about Fox it's that he'll play an aging veteran until they collapse into sand. This was never more true than with Rucker this year. He could do nothing. Combine that with the fact Peppers completely vanished and the defensive line ate the big one.

Stats? 6 sacks between the 2 of them. To compare, just two years ago, they had 18. The entire Panthers defense is predicated on getting pressure with just the front four. When one of your defensive ends is playing on a knee held together by tape and grit and the other is sucking oxygen because his herpes medication slows him down that's not going to happen.

Of course Fox could have recognized this and decided to blitz more but hey let's not talk crazy here.

It's difficult to tell whether or not Rucker's replacement is on the team. I, for one, hope he just retires. Yeah, you had an average, steady career. You made the Pro Bowl once. Go run your church or coach football or traffic drugs with Leon Lett or get into broadcasting. Just get off the field.

Possible replacements? I had a big man crush on Stanley McClover last year. The guy is huge and had a great motor, but it was quickly made apparent that he was just in his third year of organized football (one year in highschool, one year at Auburn, had to support his 13 kids so he declared and barely played last year) and he hasn't had a lick of coaching. The one sack he had this year was fucking glorious (going after another Bucs QB's spleen) but the rest of the time he was just doing a windmill impression as he was forced harmless up field. Charles Johnson, out of Georgia, showed some skill towards the end but nothing worth writing home about. Damione Lewis can play end but who gives a shit.

there are a few good DEs in the draft but the Panthers need help at other positions more badly. This is also a fucking stacked year for DE in free agency, with names such as Suggs, Justin Smith, and Derrick Johnson floating around.

Of course the Panthers can have none of that because they owe a third of their cap next year to Kemo, Lucas, and Peppers (nice marty) so they'll probably end up signing Ebenezer Ekuban or something and hoping for the best.

Either way, that positions bout to get blow'd up

I'll finish the rest after my nap.

It's like the elite eight.... only shitty.

2008-01-09T19:46:00.000-05:00

The world of Panthers fans (a very small world) has been lit afire by news from Darin Gantt late last night. Apparently the Panthers brass and coaching emerged from Jerry Richardson's mansion bought with Hardee's money and declared boldly that eight positions on the team needed to get overhauled.

If you're like me you were absolutely floored. Eight? Only eight? At least we know now that about forty five people playing for the Panthers give really great head.

I immediately got up off my parents' couch and began pacing their living room, trying to figure out who these mysterious eight could be. Of course it wasn't a long pacing since the answers are glaringly obvious. There's a lot of suck on this team, but the suckiest suck in a way that defines them and sets them apart. So, in no particular order, the eight positions that Fox and co. deem needing a replacement.

Position 1: FS (Or as I like to call it the Deke Cooper experience)

Keep in mind this is a picture Cooper knew was being taken. Someone didn't just jump out from behind a corner to take this. This is actually what he looks like.

Deke Cooper was some piece of trash we picked up off the scrap heap to just have 11 men on the field. His interview was basically "Are you Marquand Manual? No? Here's a jersey."

When you look at his stats, they look modestly decent. Yeah, he has 50ish tackles and 3 interceptions, but anyone who watched his play knows what a useless asshole he is. He was constantly late to get over in coverage, he couldn't lay the wood, has absolutely no instincts out there, and is worthless in run support.

Fox was hoping to catch lightning in a bottle here and failed miserably.

Position 2: Deshaun Foster (Even my girlfriend knows he blows ass)

Deshaun Foster has been good exactly three times in his career. One was on his first carry when he ran for eighty yards. His next carry he promptly broke his leg, ending his season and setting a trend.

The second time was when he was a backup to Stephen Davis. He came in when the defense was worn out and fooled us into believing he may be able to carry the load.

The third and last time anyone had any illusions of him being good was towards the end of the 2005 season where he became the 2nd leaving receiver behind Jesus.

Alright that's it. He's been miserable ever since. He's had two years to claim the starters spot and has failed to do so. See that picture up at the top? Yeah, that was five years ago. I'm tired of waiting around for him to stop hop scotching and actually hit a damn hole. I'm tired of him leading the league in fumbles for running backs. I'm tired of him not having scored ten rushing touchdowns in your entire career. Adrian Peterson does more scratching his balls than Foster accomplishes in a season. According to he fags at football outsider, he's the worst running back in the NFL.

Luckily we don't have to search far for a replacement. Foster will likely be traded for whatever the Panthers can get for him and DeAngelo will be promoted to the starter. All he's done is averaged 6 yards a carry so I guess he kinda deserves it.

I'll post the other six tomorrow when I'm not tired.

I'm working on my resume to be the new Special Teams coach

2008-01-09T12:44:00.001-05:00

I've never applied for a job with the Carolina Panthers but apparently Danny Crossman got through so it can't be that hard.

What do you guys think?

Something named John Delong has hit the nail on the fucking head.

2008-01-09T07:56:00.000-05:00

Honestly I've never heard of this John Delong guy but he gets a pass from me because he has written the best article I've ever read about the Panthers since the time I went back and read everything I've ever written about the Panthers and that's a pretty big accomplishment if I do say so myself.

One of the functions of this blog will be to talk about the Panthers even when there's nothing to talk about, and usually since the motto of this team is "It Is What It Is" there's nothing to talk about. That means I have to shit on other peoples' analysis but boy howdy their ain't much to shit on here.

John Delong writes for some newspaper called the Winstom Salem Journal. This was surprising to me because I thought all Winstom Salem had were cigarette factories and dead basketball coaches. I think he's been on Primetime with the Pacman to eat some ribs or something but anyway this article has been brought to my attention and I would like to show you guys some things.

This is news, and yet it is hardly news at all since Richardson had accidentally - we’re told - let it slip to Cris Collinsworth of the NFL Network weeks ago that Fox and Hurney were safely and securely in the future plans.

There is nothing funnier than reading all the not so subtle quips in the local media illustrating how pissy they are they get no access to this team. But I like this rage. Use it. let it grow within you. in time you may be as ridiculous as new york editorial writers.

The only thing left to find out is which coaches and players Fox offered up to take the fall for a second straight non-playoff season.

Oh come the fuck on Delong. im not sure if you don't get internet access under the bridge it looks like you live on but we know that hurney's already stated everyone is coming back. the lord savior darin gantt already told us so. we also know that fox never, EVER, throws someone under the bus so i'm not sure what you're smoking. fox is much more content to wallow in mediocrity and be considered a "players' coach" than actually put someone against the wall.

But we never see Richardson the owner humbled. We never see Richardson the owner do the things that Richardson the public man might do. We see no public accountability at the top, no public vision at the top, and that translates to the average PSL owner as arrogance. And Richardson can be that way because he has PSL owners, who built the stadium that makes him millions, in a vice. They dare not give up their PSLs and forfeit their investment and take a financial bath, so they must suffer through seasons such as this past one and keep hoping that next year will be better. The fans have clout in some NFL cities; they can boycott games. The fans have no clout in Charlotte, because it costs them money to show their displeasure.

There's a lot of truth to this. richardson is generally regarded as one of the best owners in the nfl since he's one of the few former players that own a team, if not the only one. I'm not sure I'm in statistics right now and I can't think clearly. however he's so fucking set with this psl thing it sickens me. not only does he have the guarantee that no one will ever give up on the panthers from a hope standpoint (the second i stop caring they'll win the superbowl) but from an economic standpoint as well.

Just when you think you're out the PUUUUUUULLLLLLL you back in!

The teams that succeed are the ones that learn from their mistakes and change. The Panthers may change some assistants, a backup quarterback for sure, and players at other positions. The biggest change needs to be in attitude, though. When you’re 7-9 and won three meaningless games just to salvage that record, and when you have missed the playoffs three of the past four years after going to the Super Bowl and have a ready-made excuse for each of those years, and when you come away from it all as arrogant as ever, there is a fundamental problem that has nothing to do with David Carr, Keary Colbert or even Doubtful Dan Morgan.

You couldn't hit the nail on the head more if you tried with like an atomic powered hammer that Thor once used. There is a problem with the actual mindset of the Panthers and there has been for a while. But wait, there's more....

My take on John Fox - and I don’t claim to know him well but I’ve been around him and other professional and college head coaches enough to form some impressions - is that he has reached the stage of his coaching career where he has lost a bit of perspective on what got him where he is today. He has lost perspective on what got him an NFL head-coaching job, and what got the Panthers to the Super Bowl in his second season.

He came in as a confident, but humble and reverent, coach. He inspired others, good things happened, he turned the team around quickly and he took the Panthers to the Super Bowl. Then it went to his head.

okay i just hit critical mass of head nodding. when fox came in he was a complete badass who took no shit from anyone and slapped anyone in the face who disagreed with him. he's lost his way. he's like seabiscuit in that he's forgotten how to be a horse. fox has forgotten how to be a coach.

i think fox gets a lot more credit than he deserves for the dramatic turn around of the panthers from a talent infusion standpoint. the team was mostly unchanged from the team that went 1-15 in 2001. He added 3 players on offense and basically two on defense. Granted, those five new players were peppers, delhomme, davis, spoon, and gross, but i've convinced myself he just got lucky with davis and delhomme and how the hell could you fuck up drafting julius peppers?

oh sorry houston didn't see you standing there.

anyway as much as i would love the chin to be roaming the sideline the best case scenario is for fox to unfuck himself and come out swinging next year. that leads to a decade of dominance and all panthers fans laugh as we stare at our collection of lombardi trophies and giggle about the time we wanted fox fired

but of course that won't happen wooooooo 8-8 here we come!

Some asshole says Cowher is next for us.

2008-01-08T22:10:00.000-05:00

I'm reminded of the saying that if you throw enough shit at the wall, something will stick. Or something about even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and again. Or something about a website called PFT that gets away with blatantly making up shit and wildly speculating.

Anyway, PTI took time to break from its constant Joe Gibbs retirement coverage today to go to Woody Paige and ask him about future Redskins coaches. I'm not sure what a beat writer from California would know about that but he came on the show and basically said Cowher was waiting for the Carolina job.

What what what? Cowher is waiting for a job? Why the fuck would he be waiting? He could have had it this year. Cowher was two hours down the road in Raleigh. If he'd wanted it all he had to do was walk into Richardson's office, lay his balls on the desk and say "fire that faggot."

I personally believe that Cowher is going to get the job next year if Hurney and Fox shit the bed again (they will. more on that in a later post.) however, the fact that woody paige is on the same, uh, page with me, i guess, makes me uneasy.

maybe we won't get him.

oh god.

2008-01-07T21:43:00.000-05:00

According to steaming pile of shit The Charlotte Observer, the Panthers have given the old one fingered salute to the Cincinnati Bengals.

LEWIS STAYING WITH PANTHERS: Two sources close to the process said that the Panthers have denied Cincinnati permission to talk with secondary coach Tim Lewis about the Bengals' vacant defensive coordinator position.
Cincinnati is looking for someone to replace fired coordinator Chuck Bresnahan, and Lewis was believed to be a top choice of Bengals coach Marvin Lewis. He remains under contract to Carolina, though, and the Panthers plan to keep him.

This is big news because it hardly ever happens. It's not good business to keep a guy wallowing with Ken Lucas and Marquand Manuel when he could be wallowing with a bunch of felons in Cincinnati.

The logic goes something like this. If we refuse him the right to interview for a job, potential coaches will see this and think that if they do well they'll be stuck here. That'll hurt us as coaches continue to leave (get fired or resign).

It's odd though that we decided to do this with Tim Lewis. The secondary wasn't exactly amazing this year and there's probably the second most talent on the team at that position. He didn't really do anything that wasn't done last year except play Richard Marshall even less. Basically we've kept a coach that's not that great in exchange for telling the league "Hey, we're assholes!"

I suspect we're hanging on to him because Fox knows a yes man when he sees him and he doesn't want to risk a coach coming in having his own ideas.

Jerry Richardson is happy with mediocrity.

2008-01-07T20:42:00.000-05:00

There's only two Panthers beat writers ever worth reading. One of them is Darin Gantt. Per his blog...

The Panthers braintrust has emerged from a two-day meeting with owner Jerry Richardson at his lakehouse last week, according to GM Marty Hurney.

It's the same house Richardson called five players up to last summer, but this time, the object was to delineate the plan moving forward.

And if there was ever any question about the direction, there shouldn't be. Any changes made aren't going to be at the top, not this year. There will be some player shuffling, but anyone expecting a big purge is probably going to be disappointed.

I'm not sure about you but this is a huge relief to me. There's nothing quite like watching a defense get picked apart because your defensive coordinator can't make adjustments. Cover the tight end? Fuck that. They'll probably drop that shit anyway.

Certainly don't want to bring in extra cornerbacks to cover that third wide receiver. It's just a decoy anyway. We're much better sticking rookie defensive end Charles Johnson on him. Don't worry, our stud safeties, one of which is an undrafted pile of shit out of Notre Dame, can totally cover that.

Who wants to blitz? Our defensive line could get pressure without blitzes in 2003, surely they're just biding their time until Kemo'eatu and Mike Rucker's corpse start bringing the heat.

And thank god we kept Danny Crossman, the special teams coach.

I don't know about you but I'm incredible impressed he can somehow make it so we never get past the 23 on kickoffs. I mean Ryne Robinson is good enough that he doesn't need blocking schemes or players that know how to stay in their lanes.

Seriously guys way to stick with what doesn't work and do nothing to address all the teams' failings. If we can avoid staying healthy we may be bad enough to miss the playoffs next year again!

And then we all know what time it is....

David Carr's brother called me gay.

2008-01-07T20:02:00.002-05:00

Earlier in December, in a drunken rage, I made some bad video about David Carr. It's basically pictures of him, me trying to be funny and the song "Fuck the Universe" by Ryan Adams. I put it up on the internet and it opened to milquetoast reviews. I should probably just delete it.

anyway, today I get this message.

Wow, so sad that you would think of my brother like that. Very sad. Maybe one day we will meet, or maybe one day someone will make a video about you. You have to much time on your hands enternet tough guy. And I am a psyc major, from seeing your video you are a secret homosexual. Its not your fault you where probably just born with it. When other go to the links to accuse people of such things it usaully mean 90% of the time, the person who is making fun is the real "GAY". So I will pray for you and your secret thoughts and pray you get help, because its not your fault thats just how you go and I am just stating facts from my knowledge of Psyc and the books that where written by Psyc Prof. Its in your sub contious, thats what Froyd thought.

And its just a football game, not life and death. And if you where counting on Carr and "Loving" him so much and "Wanting" him to be some QB you wanted, then it sounds like a little bit of a crush, like I said you where born with it and I pray for you and am sad for you.

As you can probably imagine I'm pretty stoked to be contacted by the one and only David Carr's brother! Also check out all his clutch misspellings. Froyd? Really? Anxious to see if it was the real deal and not just a David Carr's brother impersonator, I checked his youtube channel. I found this.

Yep. A David Carr tribute video from his 2005 year in Houston where he was roughly the 25th best QB in the league. In his best year he threw for 14 TDs? 155 yards a game?

You may have missed the prayers at the end of the video since you probably gouged your eyes out in pain.

Don't give up bro. God has something special planned for you. You will be in the right place at the right time. NO DOUBT IN MY MIND

What if God's special something was your brother being a horrible fucking quarterback who shits pathetic all over the field? What if David was sent by God to show people how not to throw a football? What if David was sent by Satan? What then? WHAT THEN?

As a matter of fact, David was sent by God. He had a reason. He had a mission. That mission? To make the Panthers turn to Vinny Testaverde early enough to make his back go out and force them to give the reigns to future Hall of Famer Matt Moore!

One last thing from this guy's youtube page.

There's another one. Oh Christ.

On the plus side he should be entering the NFL draft around the same time Atlanta wants to waste more picks on quarterbacks so-

Matt Moore fashion Update

2008-01-07T11:56:00.000-05:00

In today's NFL, the Quarterback is more than just the general on the field, the leader in the locker room, the field commander, etc. etc. No, these days, a quarterback is the face of the franchise. He is the one who does the interviews, the cologne ads, the watch ads, etc. For example, under Vick's tenure at QB, he transformed the Falcons from this:

Into this:

quite an accomplishment. Tell me, is there anyone you'd rather follow into battle than this man?

Yeah, didn't think so.

This post is about Carolina future star QB Matt Moore, undrafted free agent rookie extraordinaire out of Oregon State. I'm not going to talk about how totally awesome he is because everyone knows that. Duh.

Instead, we're going to talk about his evolution as a dresser in his early NFL career.

This is Matt Moore after his big debut against Seattle. Complete 70 percent of your passes? Check. 200 yards passing? Check. No interceptions? Check. First career start and beat a division champ? Fucking check. Plussed? Of course not.

He dressed well for a rookie here. Kept it simple so he didn't make any mistakes. The hoodie is clutch. Reminds you of Belichick which is never a bad thing. Notice the key placement of the Lacoste hat. His awareness is good and from here you hope he can improve on the shirt choice.

Later in the week he got on the NFL Network.

This, of course, is during his NFL interview. the Lacoste hat is still good, and it's good to see him sticking to things that work. With rookies, you're always worried they're going to try new things when something is working well. This white shirt is a bad choice, however. He needs to learn that white doesn't show up well on camera, but that's a rookie mistake.

bonus points for keeping his composure in the face of a naked steve smith.

Here he is after the ref's shaft job against Dallas. I'm not going to post his stats because they were completely ass raped by questionable calls and the injury to Justin Hartwig which allowed him to be sacked five times. BUT HE LOOKED GREAT AFTERWARDS!

Here we're seeing real progress in the shirt department. This is after the Dallas game. As you can see, he's chosen a black long sleeved nike shirt. It's cost effective and decent looking which really shows he has good judgment.

As we all know, the most important thing for a rookie QB is a reliable check down hat, and that's obviously the role the lacoste hat has filled.

There was no clip of him after the Tampa Bay trouncing because they thought we'd rather see Vinny Testaverde cry after his abortion of a career came to an end.

All in all he's progressing pretty well for a rookie. Remember, this is the goal.