Julius Peppers, John Fox: Get the hell out

I seriously hate when the Panthers do well. It confuses me.

If you're like me, you understand that the Panthers are never going to do anything under John Fox. They're way too milquetoast, they never have any emotion, they don't show up to play every week, and their playcalling is pedestrian. They don't blitz, they don't have an identity, and they don't do anything particularly well. About seven times a year, at the end of the game, you look around, clean up the carnage, and wonder how the Panthers A.) won that game and somehow simultaneous B.) missed the playoffs again.

And then a game like this happens.

Seriously, this guy came in.


He dates this.


We should have lost by thirty. This was the best offense in the NFL. Drew Brees was living in the Matrix. The Panthers had previously been torn up by Jeff Garcia and Gus Frerotte, a guy that almost killed himself celebrating a touchdown. Their defense had just shut down the best runnign back in the NFL. The only reason they'd lost was stupid mistakes that the Panthers surely weren't going to force them to make.

And then we went and win by twenty three.

These are the games where Jake Delhomme is unconscious. These are the games when Julius Peppers actually shows up to play. When the defense actually causes havoc at the point of attack. Where our corners react well enough to make up for their mandatory 10 yard cushion on receivers. These are the games that give you hope.

lol hope that works out for you.

Panthers see Jeff Garcia, present quivering asshole

This is Jeff Garcia. He is the quarterback of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He has also been the QB of the San Francisco 49ers, Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, and Philadelphia Eagles. This is his wife.


She's, of course, a Playboy model with what I'm sure is a fantastic personality. It would seem that Jeff, with a few years rotting in rust belt shit holes, is leading the perfect life. Of course, there's one thing that needs to be mentioned.

Jeff Garcia is gayer than a stack of strawberry pancakes. He's gayer than a three dollar bill. There's nothing wrong with this, of course. Being gay rocks, especially if you're a football player. It'd be like being a lesbian cheerleader. I appreciate the gay contributions to the civil structure. I've often had desert, or wondered where best to place a piece of furniture, or flipped past VH1. However, Jeff Garcia's homosexuality effects me directly, because he has an insatiable appetite for rape, and what he likes to rape are innocent, helpless Panthers.

I should have known the Panthers were going to shit the bed as soon as they named Garcia the starter over Griese, but I held out hope because, well, I'm a fucking sap.

Everyone not named Steve Smith looked god damn awful. The special teams was shit as always, no one could run, blocking was an afterthought, and that little shit midget Warrick Dunn squirted all over the field like a loose one on your socks. Jeff Garcia was able to hit all of his no name receivers wide open in the flat all day, and Jake was just spraying and praying. John Fox had the look of a guy staring down the firing squad with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. It's amazing how a guy that can make Herm Edwards look so inept can turn around a week later and be made to look just the same by a guy who strongly resembles Chucky.

It was an embarrassing display of how not to play football. An emotionless, listless, uninspiring bag of dick.

So basically it's just like every other Panther game

Rhys Lloyd pisses excellence

This is Rhys Lloyd. As you can see, Rhys Lloyd isn't the most athletic tool in the shed. He has a less developed chest than Keira Knightly, his jersey doesn't even fit, and his gut hangs over his belt. Add on to that he looks like someone who'd be starting racist chants at a Manchester United game. He's never fully shaved, a careless cigarette flick could set his hair on fire, and if you listen carefully after kickoffs, you can hear him mutter under his breath "fookin cunts" while he takes a swig from a carefully concealed flask.

All that said, he's a fucking god amongst men for the five or six times he gets to go out there during a game and flex the majesty of that leg of his. He's 11th in total kickoffs, 7 behind the league leader, but is tied for first with Matt Prater with 11 touch backs. Keep in mind that Prater is a Bronco, which means he gets to kick in the fucking stratosphere. I could trip and tumble into the ball and send it 40 yards at Mile High. Not only that, he jumps around like Eurotrash whenever he gets a touchback and they play that Olay, olay olay olay song.

And as a world traveller, yes, Soccer generally is that gay.

I tried to find a video of him and this came up, so I'm just assuming this is him.



Some other fun facts you may not have known about Rhys Lloyd.

• Nigel "The Leg" Gruff from The Replacements was loosely based on Lloyd's life. They even tracked down an actor named Rhys to play him.
• His team mates called him "Winston Churchill" who was pretty cool and defeated the Nazis
  
• He went to Minnesota.
  
• Wait never mind there's nothing fun about Minnesota.
• According to this article, he's only kicking at like 80 percent. Will we ever get to see him go all out? Maybe, in the future, when the planet needs him.....