Top Five Panthers Story Lines

Hey guys I'm totally blitzed so here are the top five Panther story lines for 2009 heading into the NFL draft next weekend. Boy it's fun drunk logging in and seeing all the people from craigslist sex ads that I messaged on this account and forgot about!

1. Just How Much Will Chris Gamble Regress?

There quite honestly is no length to the amount Chris Gamble is likely to regress.

The signing of Ron Meeks as defensive coordinator would mean, to the uninitiated, that the Panthers were on the verge of switching to a completely different defense. On the surface, yes, this makes sense. To anyone that knows Fox, Meeks, and the way the Panthers run things, it does not. 

Meeks ran Dungy's defense in Indianapolis. Dungy, along with Monty Kiffin, were pioneers of the Tampa 2. It was a revolutionary defense that has become mostly useless in the wake of may teams reverting to power running games (Panthers, Falcons, Giants, Skins, Cowboys, Vikings, Bears, Niners, just in the NFC). He was a y

es man, hired to just relay what Dungy wanted to the rest of the troops.

What does that sound like?

Meeks was hired to take Fox's orders. With that in mind, expect a ton more of the same. Corners dropping ten yards away from the receiver in coverage, hoping against hope that a defensive line made up of a bunch of scrubs can get to the quarterback before Chris Gamble gets distracted by a shiny object in the stands.

I've seen this from Jar Jar before. In 2004, he looked like a legit cornerback. After that, he looked like Dough Evans' corpse. Now that he's been paid, he has no incentive at all to play hard. I expect more of the norm from Gamble: spacing out at an Adam Laroche pace, closing his eyes during tackles and whiffing, and staring up angrily at the Gods, wondering why he wasn't blessed with the mental faculties to best take advantage of his physical skills. We're talking 2006-2007 play here from the OSU shit head.

Fuck you Chris Gamble.

2. Will Jake Delhomme recover and return to mediocrity?

Everyone think of the Cardinals playoff game.

Got it? Good. Let's never speak of it again.

Jake Delhomme is an interesting character. During most games, he's a top 13 quarterback. He'll chuck it up to Steve Smith, he'll hand off with the best of them, and he'll throw about 1.5 TDs to every interception. When the Panthers need a massive play, he'll turn into Jesus Christ incarnate and pull something out of his ass so ridiculous you'll bow down at his feet and swear to the alter of Jake Delhomme.

Those days are over.

On his best day, jake Delhomme is an average quarterback with a top flight receiver. Those days are gone. jake has collapsed. Whatever glue and grit were holding his psyche together are gone. I predict the rise of Matt Moore after the bye week, and we shall all be beholden to his glory as he leads the Panthers to the promised land.

And yay, verily he said what was good.

3. Will DeAngelo repeat his orgasmic 2008 performance?

DeAngelo is the best running back in the history of the Carolina Panthers. As long as they keep handing him the ball, he'll do fine. With the offensive line as amazing as it is, there's no reason he shouldn't get another 1200 yards and 15 touchdowns.

For fun, by FBO standards, he was the best running back in the NFL last year.

4. Will Ryne Robinson turn into the best WR/PR  combination in the NFL?

Yes.

5. Where will the traitor Julius Peppers end up? 

This is an interesting case. On one hand, at the end of the year, Julius usually has eye popping numbers. On the other, fuck him. He plays only a half of football a game. He line dances with offensive tackles in the second half. He vanished against the Giants. I'm not sure he even showed up to the Cardinals game in the playoffs. He's a quiet dick (like mine oh snap) who doesn't care about the Panthers or anything but himself. Fuck him. 

that said, NFL cunt rag Adam Schefter seems to think he'll end up on the Chiefs. As long as the Panthers get some picks in return, I don't care. I want the picks. I want the cap room. I want him gone. Fuck him. FUCK HIM. FUCK HIM!

Julius Peppers, John Fox: Get the hell out

I seriously hate when the Panthers do well. It confuses me.

If you're like me, you understand that the Panthers are never going to do anything under John Fox. They're way too milquetoast, they never have any emotion, they don't show up to play every week, and their playcalling is pedestrian. They don't blitz, they don't have an identity, and they don't do anything particularly well. About seven times a year, at the end of the game, you look around, clean up the carnage, and wonder how the Panthers A.) won that game and somehow simultaneous B.) missed the playoffs again.

And then a game like this happens.

Seriously, this guy came in.


He dates this.


We should have lost by thirty. This was the best offense in the NFL. Drew Brees was living in the Matrix. The Panthers had previously been torn up by Jeff Garcia and Gus Frerotte, a guy that almost killed himself celebrating a touchdown. Their defense had just shut down the best runnign back in the NFL. The only reason they'd lost was stupid mistakes that the Panthers surely weren't going to force them to make.

And then we went and win by twenty three.

These are the games where Jake Delhomme is unconscious. These are the games when Julius Peppers actually shows up to play. When the defense actually causes havoc at the point of attack. Where our corners react well enough to make up for their mandatory 10 yard cushion on receivers. These are the games that give you hope.

lol hope that works out for you.

Panthers see Jeff Garcia, present quivering asshole

This is Jeff Garcia. He is the quarterback of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He has also been the QB of the San Francisco 49ers, Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, and Philadelphia Eagles. This is his wife.


She's, of course, a Playboy model with what I'm sure is a fantastic personality. It would seem that Jeff, with a few years rotting in rust belt shit holes, is leading the perfect life. Of course, there's one thing that needs to be mentioned.

Jeff Garcia is gayer than a stack of strawberry pancakes. He's gayer than a three dollar bill. There's nothing wrong with this, of course. Being gay rocks, especially if you're a football player. It'd be like being a lesbian cheerleader. I appreciate the gay contributions to the civil structure. I've often had desert, or wondered where best to place a piece of furniture, or flipped past VH1. However, Jeff Garcia's homosexuality effects me directly, because he has an insatiable appetite for rape, and what he likes to rape are innocent, helpless Panthers.

I should have known the Panthers were going to shit the bed as soon as they named Garcia the starter over Griese, but I held out hope because, well, I'm a fucking sap.

Everyone not named Steve Smith looked god damn awful. The special teams was shit as always, no one could run, blocking was an afterthought, and that little shit midget Warrick Dunn squirted all over the field like a loose one on your socks. Jeff Garcia was able to hit all of his no name receivers wide open in the flat all day, and Jake was just spraying and praying. John Fox had the look of a guy staring down the firing squad with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. It's amazing how a guy that can make Herm Edwards look so inept can turn around a week later and be made to look just the same by a guy who strongly resembles Chucky.

It was an embarrassing display of how not to play football. An emotionless, listless, uninspiring bag of dick.

So basically it's just like every other Panther game